


For the Dreamers and Nightmares

by RonniRotten



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Accents, Alternate last names, Anxiety, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Female Presenting Chest, Food, Implied Sexual Content, Innuendo, M/M, Miscommunication, Misgendering, Other, Pregnancy, Scars, Sexual Humor, Sexual Tension, So much self projection no character is safe, Threats of Violence, Trans Character, Trans Male Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Trans Male Character, Trans Pregnancy, Transphobia, Vomiting, Weddings, blood drinking mention, do not copy to other sites, ftm bottom surgery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2020-11-15 05:22:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 41,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20860934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RonniRotten/pseuds/RonniRotten
Summary: Remus is not the type to settle down with someone, even in an open relationship. That's not a problem since he's only ever wanted to get domestic with one person—at least it wasn't a problem before his brother got engaged. His last hope is to get a fake date for the wedding. And who should he find just in the nick of time? Virgil, the man he's been pining after. Will this fake dating lead to something more?





	1. A Solution

Remus was royally screwed. He might have had issues with Roman and his boyfriend–no fiance–but when he got the invite in the mail, sparkling and elegant as always, he couldn't bring himself to say no. It's not everyday you ask the twin who tried to kill you as a kid to be your best man. The only problem that stood out to Remus was the mandatory plus one for the groomsguards. The swinging single life wasn't helping Remus at all.

It was a month before the wedding and Remus was hard at work designing a few sprites for his next game. He was content to hide in the corner of his local cafe and soak up the scenery for inspiration. The only thing he didn't like was the manager, Remington Dormir, soon to be Remington Dormir Castille, Roman's future husband.

"Hey gurl!" Remy greeted Remus and sat down, crossing his legs. Remus saved his work and forced a smile. 

"What up bro?" Remus laughed, getting a little chuckle out of the caffeine thot. 

"Any update on the plus one? I know a babe who can fill in if you're still looking." 

"No, no, I just need to get a solid answer from my boyfriend. I'll let you know tomorrow if I need your help." Remus brushed him off. 

"Gurl you don't have a boyfriend, we both know that!" Remy teased. Remus pouted and scanned the room he could probably lie his way out of this for now.

"Yeah I do, I'm waiting for him to show up!" Remus huffed just as a familiar flash of purple caught his eye. Virgil Segreti, the guy who created the music for his games and made him want to be all domestic and sappy, showed up at just the right time. 

"Scare Bear! Over here!" Remus shouted, getting the tired emo to look his way. Remy craned his neck and gawked. He stumbled to his feet, a little embarrassed about being wrong, and went back to work with a quick wave. He could hardly believe Remus was able to get that emo. 

"Duces?" Virgil greeted as he approached the table. The emo looked like the perfect candidate to Remus, so he closed his laptop and offered him a chair.

"In the flesh, babe! Mind taking a seat to keep the future in-law away?" 

"Oof, Remy's marrying your brother? Yikes. That's a pair from hell and a match made in heaven." Virgil winced and sat down across from him, setting his satchel on the floor. 

"He doesn't shut up about it does he?" Remus huffed, "They're made for each other."

"Sounds like you're havin fun with Groomzilla." Virgil jeered, "I'm surprised you haven't shaved and mutilated your face to go on the run."

"My stache is my trademark! How else am I supposed to keep the average vanilla bean from falling prey to my feral mojo?" Remus gasped in mock horror, pressing a hand to his chest.

"Just start talkin, they'll run real quick." Virgil smirked. 

"Then why aren't you running?" Remus shot back with a shimmy, getting a little laugh out of Virgil.

"We're old friends, and we work together. It's bad for my wallet to run. That and if you try anything again, no one would ever find your body." 

"Keep talking like that and Coffee Boy might believe you're my boyfriend." Remus snickered, "That's why he left."

"Don't tell me you need a date to enter." Virge scoffed and rolled his eyes, "Though I wouldn't be surprised if you did."

"Yeah! I do!" Remus laughed and smiled sweetly. 

"What's in it for me—besides free food?" 

"And the chance to get with the sexiest eligible bachelor in town?" Remus teased. Because nothing screamed sexy eligible bachelor like a grunge boy in old skinnies, a tee, an old bomber jacket, and a lime green beanie. 

"Yeah—since I'm not sure I can get with myself—" Virgil shrugged. Remus internally screamed at the sheer hubris–why was this man so damn hot!?

"I'll bump up your cut off the next game to 20%." 

"25% and you got a deal." 

"I can't do that. But I can help you find a sugar daddy when this is all over. Or set you up with any fine piece of ass of your choice. Or I can let you use me for your sick twisted fantasies. I'll even scrub until my skin is raw first." Remus pleaded.

"Skip the sugar daddy and throw in that 'cat toy' you got for 'reference' and you got a deal."

"Just because you asked without hesitation this time, you have a deal!" Remus laughed, "I know a guy who can rent you a tux for cheap." 

"Don't worry bout it, I still have one from my cousin's wedding." Virgil shrugged, "I'm gonna grab a liquid heart attack, you want anything?" 

"A matcha chai latte would be great, hang on." Remus replied and went for his wallet. Virgil held up a hand and shook his head. 

"I got it. It would look bad if I didn't pay for my 'boyfriend.'" Virgil hummed softly and headed for the line. Remus flushed and watched the rise and fall of his back pockets, wondering what he got himself into.


	2. Problema

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _a little New York Deceit (mtnb) anyone?_

"Pat, I don't know what to do!" Virgil groaned and slumped over his cousin's kitchen table. Patton glanced over his shoulder from the stove and winced. This was serious, especially if the smell of garlic wasn't making him a little happier. 

"Well, you have to go with Remus to the wedding like you promised," Patton hummed, "And you can borrow my tux, since E's dress isn't what you're looking for." 

"I forgot they had a dress. It was our grandmother's."

"Yeppers! And lemme tell you that I never seen a more beautiful bridegroom in my life!" Patton chuckled and turned off the burner in favor of sitting across from his in-law. Virgil lifted his head and peeked at Patton from behind his hair. The concerned pout wasn't helping his mood. 

"Anyways, I get the feeling that you aren't worried about the tux. Wanna tell your old man what's on your mind?" Patton pressed, ignoring the front door opening and closing.

"I like him. I'm agreein to be a fake date for a guy who I actually would date if he were interested in a trans guy with latent self-esteem issues." 

"Virgil, this is Remus we're talking about, he would probably go down on an anthro alien with four types of genitalia in a tub of rancid butterfat if they wanted him." Patton said flatly.

"Y'say that as if he hasn't already, Doll." E chuckled and sauntered into the room, sitting beside their husband. There was something about the pencil skirt and blazer combo that made Virgil uneasy. He hated that E had to pretend to be a woman (trans or otherwise) in court, but E assured him that they were genderfluid and perfectly fine with a little deception occasionally that wouldn't lead to a perjury charge. Of course, they had a way of making Virgil uneasy no matter what the situation. 

"Thanks, so you agree he'd bone me but last I checked that's not actually dating." Virgil grunted and buried his face in his arms. 

"Virgil, take this as you wanna, but you are a dead weird idiot." E hummed. 

"Ethel your realize your name sounds like 'asshole,' don't give me another reason to mix the two up, on purpose. I was talkin to Pat." 

"You  _ are _ a weird idiot, and Remus likes all things weird and idiotic. It'd be ridiculous to think he wouldn't give actually datin you a chance." Ethel added and rolled their eyes. 

"Oh marone!" 

"Don't you dare use that language around Patton!" Ethel snapped.

"I'm sorry this shit was AB and y'had to C y'way into it."

"Squarin up already? I will rock you til the only person who'd love that mug is that dusty trash boy." 

"Easy! Easy!" Patton shouted over the bickering before anything ugly happened. With these two it was more than likely. Tensions were so darn high all the time when something serious came up.

"Y'all need to break it up! Virgil, why don't you just set up a little time to discuss this situation with Remus. And  _ you _ might want to check the bathroom, Sugar, you left in a hurry and you might have a surprise waiting for you." 

"Oh god! You mean—?!" Ethel gasped and jumped to their feet. They ran to the bathroom without a second thought. 

"Whaz in the bathroom?" 

"Wait for it." Patton hummed and got up, "if you don't wanna be dragged into a celebration I'd suggest you head home. I wish I had better advice for you, kiddo but—" 

"OH MY FUCKIN GOD!" E shrieked with delight. Virgil saluted Patton and hurried for the door, heeding his advice. He was just about to leave when he heard the news.

"Now I can call you Daddy whenever I want!" E squealed. Virgil left to the sound of their joyful laughter. At least someone had good news. 

* * *

"So," Roman mused as he and Remy cuddled on the couch, "Remus and Virgil. I almost can't believe it!" 

"I know, right? Like that is some hot tea I was just not expecting." 

"I recall you mentioning that not even you could break through that tough exterior, my dear night owl!" Roman chuckled and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

"Yeah, before I got my prince charming. And it was after he fully recovered from surgery! He was at his happiest and I still couldn't get a date!" Remy groaned, "I'm not jealous but like, I have to know how it happened!" 

"We can always ask." 

"Babe you know I will." Remy giggled and kissed his cheek. 

"The next time I see him. In person." he added, "Because I wanna see him gush." 

"And gush he will my dear. You have no idea how long Remus has had a crush on Virgil!" 

"Tell me about it, babe, I need to know!" Remy demanded and flopped onto Roman's lap. 

"Well, my dearest dream, you remember back when we started college?" 

"Seven years ago!?" 

"The second he laid eyes on the emo he was smitten, before he was out, mind you, so I won't be quoting directly. Actually it's going to be a translation, amor." 

"That's fine babe, but spill the tea!" Remy goaded. 

"We were roommates, so I got to hear about the encounter first thing. He burst into the dorm room, eyes wide and smiling like a maniac. The only thing I could focus on for long was a black eye he didn't have before.

"Naturally I asked him what happened. He was on campus and he saw 'a snack of an emo' in the courtyard and tried to seduce him." 

"Virge always did have a great left hook to go with that badass look." Remy mused.

"He certainly does, and the T made it worse. But as I was saying, he got hit and he came to me with stars in his eyes and raved—" Roman imitated Remus, "'Ro he is just so cute and scary! His eyeshadow is so cool and he has a purple streak in his hair—it's so pretty blowing in the wind, and his voice is like Bea Arthur's! God I wanna ask him on a date and cuddle and I wanna know him better! What's wrong with me!? Is this love? You're allo and my twin, you gotta help me!'"

"Wait he's ace?" Remy gawked.

"No, he's grayromantic and bi. But that's besides the point. They became friends and for a year it was always 'Virgil this' and 'Virgil that' and then he started transitioning and Remus eased up on the gushing. He still had feelings but he realized Virgil needed a friend, not a boyfriend. He'd bitch about it from time to time. I'm so glad he's finally getting what he wants."

"Damn, gurl, is the long-term pining a family thing?" 

"You were in and out of enough relationships so fast I couldn't keep up." Roman chuckled, "But now you're here with me and I couldn't dream of anything better."

"God why don't you just marry me you sap!"

"You know I will!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Patton is preggers! (ftm)


	3. Gummy Bears

Remus didn't mind walking alone at night. He could handle himself and it gave him a chance to think without staring at a computer screen. He couldn't believe that he was able to get Virgil to be his wedding date. Virgil, who could probably get him in line and devour him with a single glance. Speaking of devouring stuff…

He wandered into the nearest 24-hour convenience store and didn't bother to browse the few rows of shelves. He went straight for the gummy bears. Never block a Remus from his candy. Someone should have told that guy in the black hoodie before he was shoved aside. 

"Watch it asshole! I—" he snapped and paused, "Ree what the fuck?" Remus froze and glanced at him, and then he beamed.

"Scare Bear! I didn't recognize you without the purple!" 

"What's with you? An 'excuse me' woulda been nice. I was this close to knocking you out." Virgil huffed, holding the last two bags of Happy Cola. Remus grabbed three bags of gummy bears and grinned.

"A creature of my feral nature requires the squishiest ursine heads to feed upon. I can't resist the primal urge of the hunt." he sang. Virgil rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, leaving his candy within reach.

"That had better be the only urge you can't resist." 

"Mmmm nope! In fact—!" Remus giggled before he snatched Virgil's gummies and bolted, heading for the coolers. Virgil shouted some obscenity and hurried after him, but he was too quick. 

Remus grabbed two drinks and raced to the counter. He skidded to a halt and grinned at the cashier he recognized while Virgil came for his head. The poor old man behind the counter looked ready to shit himself.

"Don't worry about him," Remus hummed, "My boyfriend doesn't want me to pay for him!" Virgil froze and gawked at him. He was already taking this fake dating thing too far—this old man wasn't Remy, it was gonna mess with Virgil's feelings. 

The cashier nodded and rang him up with a knowing grin and sent him on his way. Virgil of course followed Remus out of the store.

"What the hell was that?" Virgil snarled and grabbed his arm. Remus pulled out the Happy Cola and an iced tea from the grocery bag.

"My natural instinct and me saving face." he shrugged and handed over the snacks. 

"But that guy is—" 

"Roman's neighbor. I understand that you aren't my boyfriend, Virge, give me a little credit." Remus pouted. Virgil relaxed his shoulders and sighed, taking the candy and tea.

"We need to figure out the story we're goin with." he said masking his disappointment.

"Wanna come back to my place and we can play a few games while we chat? I have Mario." Remus suggested. 

"I have to go home and get out of this binder." Virgil shrugged, kind of wishing he didn't have to. Video games with Remus sounded like a good time. Sure he was anxious about it but it was Remus, the least judgemental person he knew and someone he could handle in a fight.

"I'm not gonna creep on your chest or comment on it other than right now. I'm not gonna get frisky either, but if you don't want to, I won't push it." 

"Promise?" he questioned. 

"Unless you jump me, I promise I won't come on to you. Especially not with Daddy Bowser on screen." Remus said holding up three fingers, "Cub scouts honor."

"You were a cub scout?" Virgil scoffed. 

"Were? I'm always scouting for cubs, bears, wolves, otters, twunks, and daddies since none of them can handle me more than once." he laughed, getting a dramatic eye roll from Virgil. 

* * *

Virgil was surprised when he entered the apartment. The simple design and soft green walls were unexpected, as was the overall tidiness. 

"The bathroom is down the hall to the left. My bedroom is to the right." Remus said as he closed the door behind him, "You can go to either one to unbind while I set up." Virgil nodded and walked down the hall, headed to Remus' room, happy that Remus wasn't following him.

Of course he was still surprised to enter the Kink King's bedroom. It was definitely a little messier than the rest of the apartment, but Virgil could admit his own room looked worse. The bed against the back wall was neatly made with a cream comforter bearing a compass. The old furniture looked like it was just taken from the curb and spruced up. It was not the erotic dungeon Virgil expected, though the trunk at the end of the bed might've held all his specialty items. It was best not to think about it.

He made quick work of removing his hoodie, shirt and, binder and sighed, allowing his ribs to expand. Oh that was a relief! Then he put his shirt on, gathered his things, and went back to hangout with Remus. 

"Scare Bear!" Remus cheered when Virgil flopped onto the couch next to him. Super Mario World was on the TV and Remus kept his eyes on Virgil's face. 

"Why d'you call me that?" Virgil questioned and got comfy. Remus shrugged.

"I was saving it for a big tiddy goth datemate, but I realize that is not gonna happen especially since goths are immune to my charm. So I call you that because it suits you." He opened up the game and started browsing the levels in search of a challenge while Virgil stared at his chest and frowned—he could be a big tiddy goth datemate. 

"Besides, I got wise." Remus said as he selected his level.

"Oh?" 

"I can find a cheap thrill any night of the week, but a datemate, not a chance. I don't want just anyone." Remus sighed, "And the guy I want isn't interested in me." 

"Why didn't you ask him to be your date?" Virgil mumbled, trying to keep from showing the pain settling in his heart.

"If I flat out asked him he would have run the second I did. I couldn't just be direct with him about that!" Remus huffed bitterly and guided the sprite across the screen, "On that note, let's get our story queer for Roman."

"And Remy." 

"Exactly." 

"Okay, let's say that three months ago, after the launch, we hooked up in the restaurant bathroom and I asked you out in the heat of the moment." 

"Would they buy that?" Remus asked, blushing slightly at the thought of hooking up with Virgil in public and having him do the asking.

"Yeah. And I was domming you." Virgil shrugged and held out his arm. Remus won the level and glanced at the gigantic scar on his forearm.

"Holy fuck, my god you've gotta be huge!" Remus gawked. He cleared his throat and averted his gaze quickly. He was not going to sexualize Virgil in anyway that night, nope! But he would definitely keep that in mind. 

"So which restaurant?" he coughed before Virgil got uncomfortable. 

"Olive Garden. They'd believe I'd rather get laid than eat that shit." 

"Endless breadsticks dildos! Smart choice! They'll definitely believe that!" Remus giggled as he leapt onto a green pipe. 

"Nice. Next, let's talk hobbies and jobs. That's what they'll go for next." Virgil said and adjusted in his seat to inch closer to Remus. 

"Well that's easy. I design video games with you, I make sprites and background art and our last project was 'Needle Tweedle: Necrosis Terminal' and you had a lot of work for that one." 

"It was worth it. Nothing beats making music for a game about a musician with needles for hands fighting zombies with sick riffs." Virgil mused.

"Exactly! Oh shit—Mario!" Remus wailed as the tiny plumber perished at the hands of Bowser Jr.

"Right. Since then I've gotten a few new jobs. I'm finishing up a score for a dating sim, and I'm figuring out the main title for 'Go Nutz Donuts 2' which is annoying but it pays well enough, gotta love cellphone games." 

"And you'll be able to compose for my next game, 'Gilbert and the Gray,' right?"

"Yeah. So hobbies? I write, listen to music, and sew." 

"Nice! Mine are paying hookers for cuddles, video games, Jacksepticeye, and jacking off to—stuff." Remus hummed, determined not to let this turtle beat him. He didn't have to expand on what 'stuff' meant—and he wouldn't. 

"Hookers for cuddles? You?" Virgil scoffed, fighting back a yawn.

"I have needs. Human contact is one of them, boning is not." Remus answered, focusing on his game, "and there are hookers who are happy to have an easy night." Virgil stared at him for a minute, taking in his serious pout and expression. The light in those deep coffee pools were full of determination and he just looked so cute like this. It was Remus sitting there, and Virgil had absolutely every reason to be anxious and no reason at the same time. 

The emo set his hoodie and binder aside and scooted closer to lean on his host. Remus jolted and lost the level. Virgil was warm and he could feel the firm body pressing against his side. He couldn't ask for more in that moment.

"What are you doing, Virge?"

"Human contact. No charge."

"Disgusting!" Remus scoffed praying he wouldn't turn pink, "Don't stop."

"You are in luck—I don't feel like moving." Virgil snickered and rested his head on Remus' shoulder, "Now go kick that turtle's ass." 

"You got it, Scare Bear!" he laughed and melted internally. 


	4. Pancakes

Virgil yawned and rubbed his eyes, sitting up to take in his surroundings. He hadn't slept so well in ages. But upon seeing a room that was most definitely not his, Virge jolted and patted himself down under the blanket he was curled up in to make sure he was untouched. His jeans were missing! He was going to kill Remus, but the poor thing was in such a flurry that he fell to the floor with a thud. 

"Virgil!?" Remus yelped and hurried out of his bedroom. Virgil got to his feet and glared at Remus in his cute mouse onesie. 

"Oh good, you're alright! I thought I might have to reset your bones or something!" Remus laughed. Virgil sneered. 

"What happened last night?"

"Well after I beat Bowser for the tenth time, you passed out on my lap. I called E, let them know where you were, and made sure you were comfy. Those skinny jeans were a bitch to take off, but I didn't want to have to amputate your legs because of bad circulation." 

"And you didn't do anything else?" 

"Nope! You want pancakes? I make them from scratch! And I have some Crofter's—wait I know Logan likes Crofter's, but what about you? I think I have syrup." Remus rambled. Virgil stretched and shook his head. Remus wasn't a creep, just a little creepy, and Virgil really had to relax when he was alone with him. Virgil might've had trouble telling fear and excitement apart in this case.

"Pancakes sound great—" he grunted and rolled his neck, "—thanks. And Crofter's is fine by me." Remus beamed and closed his eyes so he wouldn't have to see Virgil's shirt riding up his abdomen. He didn't need to get ideas that early in the morning. 

"You got it Scare Bear!" he cheered and skipped into the kitchen. Virgil chuckled and shook his head. Remus was adorable. Instead of dwelling like a lovesick fool, Virgil gathered his pants and binder and went to the bathroom to get properly dressed. 

Remus was mixing some batter when the door closed. He sighed and shook his head. He was in too deep. He could hardly sleep the night before when he felt so giddy and light. 

* * *

Virgil had passed out on his lap when he beat yet another level. He was cuddled to Remus' side, holding him like a lifeline. And like having a cat on his lap, Remus didn't dare move. He was content to run his fingers through Virgil's hair and soak in the moment. 

"Mmph, Ree" a soft groan tickled his exposed abdomen. Remus looked down at the man snuggled up to him and blushed. Virgil was so cute like this. It wasn't fair, no one had the right to be so adorable. 

"I'm right here Virge." Remus hummed. He was at peace...

Until the sleeping emo unwittingly pressed a kiss to his tummy and hummed contentedly.

Remus almost screamed and wiggled out of his grasp. That was not allowed! No accidental kisses when Remus was trying not to fall harder for him. 

Remus escaped and got Virgil comfy on the couch—the thought of giving up his bed for the night crossed his mind but he figured moving Virgil to another location would be bad. He hated having to remove those jeans, it was a struggle and far too intimate, but it was necessary. And calling Ethel was humiliating. 

* * *

Remus set the empty bowl aside and picked up his favorite spatula. He was blushing and he kept his head down when Virgil returned, bound and cleaned up.

"Hey, thanks." Virgil mumbled, "I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions about last night. You are the one who hires hookers for cuddles." Remus glanced at him and smiled softly. He was so cute with his hands stuffed in his pockets and averting his blushing face. 

"Don't worry about it! I know me all too well, and I don't blame you for thinking this feral bastard would get too personal!" Remus laughed but it teetered off sadly. 

"I know you better, Ree, and even after you stayed in your lane, I overreacted. I'm sorry." Virgil said and locked eyes with him, "I know you're better than that."

"Thanks, Scare Bear." Remus smiled softly, "Did you sleep alright?" He averted his gaze to flip the pancakes but he was listening.

"Yeah, I haven't slept that well in ages." Virgil said and sat at the counter with a wry smile, "No nightmares." Remus glanced up and beamed, making his blush less obvious.

"That couch is magical. I've never had a bad dream sleeping on it—and no wet dreams either before you ask!" Remus chuckled and turned off the stove, "Only the best dreams show up when I sleep on that couch."

"Oh yeah?" Virgil asked as he watched Remus plate their breakfast. The pancakes looked good. 

"Yeah! One time I dreamed I was a pirate captain!" he hummed and turned around to get the jam from the fridge, "I got to explore the seas and found Candy Island, and—" he bent over at the waist and wiggled as he sought out the Crofter's, "—I got some choice booty!" 

"You sure do." Virgil mumbled to himself as he stared at the cute butt on display and swaying.

"What was that?" Remus asked, not looking back. He had no idea what Virgil said, but he was happy to pretend that his crush was staring at his butt. 

"Yeah sure. You?" Virgil said a little louder.

"Yeah! Hard to believe but it's true! I was on an island made of candy! That is the good dream couch!" Remus laughed and emerged with a jar of Crofter's. He moseyed up to the counter and set the jar down. 

"So what did you dream about, Scare Bear? Cuddling with me after we tag-teamed Daddy Bowser?" Remus asked wiggling his eyebrows. Virgil snorted and shook his head. 

"I would never go down on a turtle, anthro or otherwise." 

"But you would go down on a game developer with a mustache and horrific ideas." Remus teased and slathered a pancakes with jelly. 

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Virgil retorted playfully and stole the jar. Remus shrugged and rolled his first pancake into a tube and took a bite. 

"I would," Remus said as he chewed, "but you aren't gonna tell me anything today, are you?"

"Well I didn't have any dreams I remember," Virgil mused as he carefully spread the jam on his pancakes, "So I can't really tell you about them." 

"And what about going down on me? Gotta make it convincing when Remy comes after us." Remus added and stuck his tongue through the rolled up pancake. 

"Are you an anthro?" Virgil asked, staring at the ridiculous sight of Remus imitating an anteater

"No." 

"Then you could make it on my list." Virgil smirked and cut into his breakfast.

"I hope you have Taylor Lautner on that list—we could team Jacob!" Remus cheered and popped the last of the pancake in his mouth.

"I was always more of a team Edward  _ and _ Jacob kinda guy." Virgil hummed and took a bite of the best damn pancakes he ever had—sorry Patton. Remus curled up over the counter and wheezed, fighting back laughter until he was done chewing. 

"Edward  _ and _ Jacob!—that—hoo that's bold!—sign me up!" Remus cackled. Virgil smiled knowingly and continued to eat, happy to hear that obnoxious cackle. Remus didn't need to know he was at the top of that list.


	5. Coffee and Tea

Remy was losing his patience. Virgil always came in for a triple espresso will a shot of almond milk in the morning, and always before ten in the morning! He needed details! He had to know how Remus got with that snack! He'd been dwelling on it for two weeks, unable to get away from doing his job to ask properly.

He was just handing off the last in a string of drinks he had to make, when the bells on the door rang, alerting him that there was at least one more drink to make. He turned to greet the new arrival and nearly shat himself. 

Virgil came in with an arm around Remus' waist. Remus had an arm around Virgil's shoulders and was leaning into him with a dumb smile. It might have been cute if it weren't obvious that Virge was groping that ass. Then again, Remy knew that the twins had the same butt and Roman's butt was pretty much perfect. 

"Well, well, well, look who it is. Just the boys I wanted to talk to." Remy cooed as the duo approached. Remus rolled his eyes and hid his face in Virgil's shoulder with a groan. Virgil smirked and shook his head. 

"What, you want advice on how to stay thotty and taken?" Virgil jeered. Remy scoffed playfully and lowered his sunglasses.

"Babe, I want to know how a thot could land a tough babe like you. You are a deadly catch that I couldn't even reel in." 

"You didn't have the right bait."

"He likes his men like his trash, dirty, smelly, and full of surprises." Remus purred, "The mustache gets the babes." Remy rolled his eyes and wrinkled his nose.

"You have to tell me everything I need to take my fifteen. So find a seat and I'll bring the usuals on the house." 

"You been losin sleep over this, haven't you?" Virgil jeered. Remy flipped him the bird, pulling a chuckle from the pair. That only made him growl under his breath. 

"Play nice, Meanie Baby, you know that's my in-law!" Remus cooed and led Virgil to his usual table. 

"Meanie Baby?" Virgil asked bemusedly as he sat down next to Remus. 

"Carnage Patch Kid work better?" Remus yawned. Virgil smirked and shook his head. He leaned over the table and closed his eyes—he could handle this. He already made it this far while groping Remus' butt, he could do this. 

"I think I prefer the name for your big tiddy goth datemate." Virgil said softly. Remus sat up straight and narrowed his eyes at Virgil. Was he trying to suggest something? Virgil was a secretive and confusing hunk. 

"Scare Bear? Any reason why?" Remus hummed and leaned back. Virgil shot him a sideways glance and sighed. 

"It's cute and not insultin." 

"Oh, 'meanie' does kinda come off that way, huh? Sorry about that Virge. I'll stick with Scare Bear." Remus pouted, he could think of something else if he tried. 

"Hey," Virge said and leaned back with him, "It's alright, we didn't discuss nicknames, or boundaries. We can work that out once we leave." Remus smiled softly at him and nodded.

"Yeah, and for the record, if you ever touch my ass for that long again I will melt into you on instinct."

"Okay, so I won't touch—" 

"Oh no I like it when you touch my butt. Don't you dare stop that." Remus cut him off, "You have special permission, anytime the urge strikes." 

"Careful, you sound like you actually want to be my boyfriend." Virgil teased. Remus was about to respond with a "yes" but he saw Remy drawing near and scooted closer to Virge. 

"Okay babes," Remy said as he sat across from the pair, sliding their drinks across the table, "I want deets." 

"Gonna have to get specific, Sandman." Virgil shrugged and picked up his liquid heart attack.

"How did you two get together?" 

"We hooked up in the Olive Garden bathroom during the game release celebration. You know those breadsticks are only good for one thing!" Remus answered and wiggled his eyebrows.

"Trashy!" Remy giggled, "I can get behind that." Virgil took a long sip of his beverage and shrugged. 

"Not the same way Scare Bear got behind me—10 outta 9, I made him mine. By saying yes." Remus continued, bringing a light blush to Virgil's cheeks. 

"More than I needed to know, but I always knew you couldn't be topped Vee!" Remy chuckled, "So you did the asking babes? Makes sense since you don't say yes to anyone asking you. I gotta know, why Reemee out of anyone?" 

"Are you suggestin there's somethin wrong with me datin Ree?" Virgil hissed, sending a delightful shiver up Remus' spine. 

"Not at all! Boo-boo is a catch! But I wanna hear it from you—what made you want to roll in the trash?"

"Why?" Virgil parroted and sipped his drink. He was in just the right position to crush gush honestly without too much embarrassment. Remus was curious too, they never got into that stuff and he was dying to hear this. 

"Ree has always been such a sweetheart, he's been there for me when I was strugglin and when I needed a friend. He can get a lil raunchy but he never over steps my boundaries and he treats me like a human being, always has. And look at him, he's a rotten kinda cute with feral mojo. I dunno if it's because we're such good friends that feelins blossomed, or because deep down I always had the urge to cuddle with him and kiss his stupid face. All know is that I don't want to let him go." 

Remy grinned from ear to ear, unable to tell which boy was blushing more. Virgil was averting his gaze, afraid to make eye contact with anyone. Remus looked ready to explode. 

"So this has been going on for a while? Maybe we can make it a joint wedding." Remy teased. Both of their faces lost all color. 

"I would love to marry my Scare Bear but it's a little early for that!" Remus chuckled awkwardly, "And you know I don't wanna share a special day with Roman!" 

"Babe wants everything to be perfect, you right." Remy laughed, "Lemme make a joke hun."

"Jokes are supposed to be funny." Virgil grumbled. Remy brushed him off with a flick of the wrist. 

"Pshh, no one said it was a good one!" Remy chuckled, "The only good joke is going to be the suit fitting!" 

"Suit fittin?" Virgil questioned setting, his drink aside. Remus looked just as confused.

"Ooh, right! I forgot to mention that." Remy winced, "Princey and I decided that our groomsguard should have the look. Everyone else is pretty much set, we need to tweak yours but it shouldn't take long, Ro stood in for you while you avoided telling us you got with this hottie!" Remus paled. Oh no no no no! A suit fitting of all things! Remy would've said something earlier if he weren't expecting Remus to bring his date. Was that too much for—?

"Where and when? I gotta adjust my schedule." Virgil asked, far too calmly.

"Tonight at seven, you know the Falcon's Talyn?"

"We'll be there. Put me in some LARP costume and you're dead." Virgil responded, "That okay with you, Beetlebev?" Remus nodded and sipped his drink, still freaking out internally. 

"I'll see you then babes!" Remy hummed and got up. It wasn't fifteen minutes, but he could see a crowd coming through. 


	6. Vampire Bites

"So, you have the whole day off and you basically told Remy you were busy. Why?" Remus asked as he strolled alongside Virgil back toward his apartment. 

"To make it look like I wanna make time for you and shit." Virgil shrugged, "Y'know, make it look like I'm makin sacrifices for you." 

"You'd make sacrifices for me?" Remus cooed and leaned against Virgil as they walked, "Because I wouldn't mind you sacrificing a goat on my behalf." 

"Why dontcha sacrifice an ass for my benefit?" Virgil retorted playfully and groped that boy's butt. Remus shivered and hummed contentedly. 

"I only sacrifice this booty to my datemates. But you can have a go at it." Remus purred, melting into Virgil the longer he held that ass. 

"I'm not really down for a quick fuck." Virgil said and let go, making Remus pout, despite leaving his hand on his waist. Remus stared up at him with deceptively innocent eyes and fluttered his lashes. 

"What about a quick snuggle? I have needs." 

"You're needy." Virgil chuckled, "We'll see what happens." Remus beamed and walked with him in silence to his apartment. The cars passing and the hustle around them was more than enough noise and it didn't feel awkward. 

But when they entered the unassuming building and reached Virgil's door, Remus nearly shat himself. Virgil was surprisingly calm about the eviction notice taped to his door. 

"Scare Bear—"

"I see it. My lease is almost up and the landlord is tired of the noise complaints." Virgil answered before Remus could ask. He opened the door and let Remus enter the apartment. 

It was just heartbreaking to see the three moving boxes by the door two of them were labeled summer and kitchen—the last one was empty meant for the last of his stuff. The nice couch and coffee table were in pristine condition. There wasn't a single dent on the wall. The floor barely showed wearing despite Virgil's tendency to pace. Remus could hardly believe it.

"Virgil, how long do you have until you get the boot?" Remus asked, trying not to think about how much this would hinder his work. 

"Tomorrow. I have most of my equipment in the car. Patton and Ethel were going to let me stay with them for a while until I got a new place." 

"Good apartments aren't cheap or easy to come by." Remus mused and stared at the ceiling. He was lucky that Remy’s cousin was his land lord. Anton was a bastard, but at least he gave back the security deposit when people left. He was certainly good at bitching about pretty much everything, including the apartment that had been sitting vacant for almost a year now, it was too expensive for the average single person, but maybe...

"Nope. If you know any that are trans friendly I'm listening." Virgil shrugged and tossed his hoodie and shirt on the couch. 

"Anton wants me to move to the bigger apartment at the end of the hall. It's more expensive but he's willing to keep the same security deposit and let me move whenever if I decide to move. If you're interested in a roommate we can split the rent." 

"That's almost too convenient." Virgil grunted as he pulled his binder off. Remus shut his eyes while Virgil finished adjusting—god that boy sounded way too hot when he sighed out of relief.

“So I take it you’re saving up for top surgery next.” Remus mused, trying to think of anything to change the subject. 

“No. I don’t wanna deal with more recovery time, and I don’t really mind the built-in stress balls.” Virgil shrugged as he pulled his hoodie back on, “Plus they make me look buff when they’re bound.”

“You don’t need them to look buff, Scare Bear!” Remus laughed, “You  _ are _ buff! Look at those arms! Flex and I’ll tell you if those biceps are harder than my dick on a bad day!” Virgil frowned and shrugged off his hoodie again. He rolled his eyes at Remus and flexed his right arm to humor his guest.

“Can you think of a comparison I might understand?” he said as Remus felt his arm. He could certainly picture all the ways Virgil could break him, but he was too busy picturing how amazing his hugs and cuddles would be. 

“You don’t want to understand the comparison firsthand?” he chuckled, “You sir are as buff as Remy is caffeinated.”

“Now I know you're full of it!" Virgil jeered and lowered his arm, "Remy bleeds caffeine!" 

"I'm sorry did you test that theory? You have proof that his blood type is C8H10N4O2?" Remus teased and shimmied. 

"Yeah I could taste it a couple nights ago when I was feeding." Virgil retorted playfully and pulled his hoodie back on. 

"So you bit an engaged man and drank his blood, but not the sexy bachelor who wouldn't be missed if you went into a frenzy and wouldn't mind being your drudge? I see how it is." 

"Do you now?" Virgil questioned with a smirk. Remus put a hand to his heart and threw his head back dramatically. 

"Of course, my darling Necropet, it's so obvious! You want only the men you cannot have to sacrifice their blood to you! The thrill of stealing the life force from someone who couldn't willingly provide is all that makes the hunt worthwhile!" 

"Yeah, that's it!" Virgil snickered and rolled his eyes, "Drinking your blood just isn't thrilling." 

"I can make it thrilling!" Remus giggled and wiggled his eyebrows with his shoulders. Virgil snorted and sat on the couch. 

"How so?" 

"I can put up a fight, bite you right back, or if you're interested you can burn off some steam with the rest of this bod!" 

"Why dontcha siddown and relax? I gotta shower later—alone—and then we gotta go to your suit fitting. Since most of my shit is in the trunk, we can take my car." Virgil said. Remus flopped down next to him and kicked his legs up to rest on his lap.

"How about you take that shower, finish packing up and loading the car, and then we move you into my place? Temporarily." 

"Temporarily?" Virgil asked and scooted closer to Remus. 

"Well if you  _ want to _ make it more permanent, I can talk to Anton, I can text him while you're in the shower. It looks better if you crash with me,  _ boyfriend _ ." Remus droned and rolled his shoulders, "But that's up to you, My Little Night-mare." 

Virgil scrunched up his face in thought. It would be better than dealing with Pat's morning sickness and Ethel being Ethel. Plus he would be staying with his crush. Well that was the only downside too. It was an easy decision. 

"Yeah. Let's go with your plan."


	7. Pining is a Bitch

It was honestly amazing how quick Anton was to respond to Remus' request. It was almost as if he were desperate or something. Spoiler alert: he was. He even said he wouldn't charge rent for that month so that the fake boyfriends could move in together and clean the old apartment. It was a great deal and Remus jumped on it. Virgil was pretty happy too, but he still had to tell E about this change of plans.

Virgil chewed his bottom lip and hesitated to press call on his phone. The car was almost loaded, he was clean, and Remus was taking a nap on the couch. He had to do this without getting too worked up and loud. That would be hard to manage considering who he was calling.

The phone rang twice before E picked up.

"Ciao, Segreti. What's doin?" they greeted with that annoying lilt in their voice. 

"Change of plans." Virgil said and paced to the bedroom to sit down. 

"Oh? You mean moving plans?"

"Yeah. I'm gonna move in with Ree."

"WHAT!?" they shouted, forcing Virgil to hold the phone at a distance. He expected this reaction but that didn't mean he had to like it. 

"You heard me. I'm gonna move in with Remus, split the rent and shit."

"You two're gonna be roommates! Oh my god! You might as well start datin all official and shit." Ethel teased. 

"What? No! I told you, he's not interested in me like that." 

"Bullshit. Just because you don't think you have a shot doesn't mean you don't. Try axin him out."

"We're moving in together! I'm not about to risk losing the roof over my head because you gave me shit advice. Just let Patton know, okay? Y'know cuz he lives widja." 

"Oh my god, fine. But don't come to me cryin about how you 'can't take it anymore, E, he's so handsome and hot and sweet.' Imma have none of that!" 

"Fine. Just tell Patton, dammit."

"Will do, Vee. Tell the garbage I said hi."

"You got it, Dioli. Ciao." 

"Ciao!" E sang before Virgil hung up and groaned. Ethel wasn't wrong, they might as well have been actually dating. Sure friends moved in together to split the rent all the time, and they were friends who just so happened to be pretending to be boyfriends. And people believed it. Maybe when the wedding was over, Virgil could try dropping hints.

Until then, he decided to focus on the present. Remus was sleeping on the couch and he had to take the last box to the car before waking him. 

He went back out to grab his final box and paused. Remus was curled up on his side, sleeping peacefully. There was something almost innocent about him with his hair falling around his face, framing his cheekbones and the curve of his jaw. His lips twitched into a soft smile, so faint only someone paying attention would notice. His lips looked so soft and inviting, if he were awake Virgil might have considered kissing him like he yearned to. 

Virgil could admire him for hours from each tick of his jaw to the way his eyelashes brushed against his cheeks, but Remus wasn't really his to admire and he had some things to do. He ran his fingers through Remus' hair to push it from his face and sighed, grabbing the box and quietly stepping outside to finish his task. 

Once the door shut, Remus opened his eyes. His heart was hammering in his chest and he had to bite back a scream of delight. Virgil touched his hair in such a soft, tender way. It was a miracle he wasn't blushing. He really was in too deep, and he knew it. He made that offer and he wouldn't take it back, but he was going to internally combust. 

Virgil made him want to climb onto the rooftops, parkour across town, and sing about vital chemicals like oxytocin and dopamine all while wearing a mankini like from _ Borat _. He wanted to go ape shit like Roman would, serenading him and praising him like the perfect prince of darkness he was. Remus wanted to go all out to show his admiration, but he knew Virgil would close himself off to that. He would run and never look back. Remus didn’t want that. He wanted to adore Virgil as much as he could, even if Virgil wasn’t his to adore.

Remus got up and went to the bathroom. When he came back Virgil was just coming in. He beamed and waved, showing off the wet handprints on his jeans.

“Oh shit,” Virgil grumbled, “I forgot to pack the soap.”

“No, I keep a travel pack on me at all times. I might reek but I know the importance of clean hands!” Remus giggled, “So about the move…”

“Yeah, we can start moving our shit tomorrow, I’ll crash on the couch for the night.” Virgil shrugged and played with the hem on his sleeve. Remus’ smile softened and he shook his head.

“I’m the couch slut this time, Jhudora,” Remus said with a shimmy, “You get the bed tonight or else.” Virgil stared at him with raised eyebrows.

“Or else what?”

“Or else I tie you to the bed and I can promise you that rope burns are not something worth waking up to.”

“You wouldn’t dare!” Virgil hissed, “It’s your bed, you sleep in it!” 

“You had the couch last time. You need a real comfy place to sleep!" Remus argued. Maybe it was just his nerves about the whole situation, or maybe it was just the way Virge looked when he was getting irritated—hot as hell—but the patented Remus verbal filter was losing its influence.

"I'm not taking your bed from you!" Virgil snapped. 

"Then we're fucking sharing!" Remus snapped right back. Virgil went beet red and stared at Remus with wide doe-eyes. 

"What?" 

"You heard me, I'll share as long as I can get you away from the couch, I'll even wear pants." Remus huffed and crossed his arms. He was not going to let Virge sleep on the couch and that was final.

"We'll figure it out when we get there, alright?" Virgil said defeatedly. 

"It's already figured out, unless you want to keep arguing until we either get caught in a porn plot or duke it out like real turtle fuckers in Smash." 

"You are the only one who would smash Bowser here, don't group me in with you." Virgil scoffed. 

"Then let's go with Street Fighter since you're_ too good for _ Daddy Bowser." Remus teased, "But first, we should get going." Virgil shook his head with a wry smirk—he was moving in with this dork and head-over-heels with him. This was more dangerous than he ever planned for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I'm having fun writing Deceit with this accent._


	8. And They Were Roommates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _i lost control of the plot. Enjoy_

Getting the van back to Remus’ apartment building was too easy. Virgil even managed to get a parking space right by the back door. It was convenient, too convenient for Virgil’s liking. He glanced at Remus in the passenger seat and raised a questioning eyebrow. Remus shrugged, knowing it was definitely weird but not having any reason to think much of it.

Remus got out of the van first and grabbed the most recently added box, full of toiletries and clothing fit for the cold season. Virgil hurried out of the vehicle and snatched his stuff from Remus’ hands. Normally Remus would put up a fight, but Virgil wasn’t the one with the key and it was his stuff. 

Instead of dwelling on it, Remus led the way to the door and held it open for Virge. The emo grunted his thanks and headed down the hall and Remus followed. But his face fell the second he saw a man in a large scarf and sunglasses leaning against the door. 

“Anton? What brings you to the classless dump?” Remus greeted with his usual enthusiasm, though he was definitely on edge with the way the critic lowered his sunglasses ever so slightly. Virgil picked up on the tension and mirrored it in full.

“Well obviously I’m here with a new lease agreement and the keys.” Anton frowned, “I have someone interested in your apartment and I want him to move in as soon as possible.”

“You didn’t even wait for Ree to sign an agreement before kickin him out of his apartment?!” Virgil snapped. Anton gave him a once over and scoffed.

“That jacket, tell me you didn’t pay money for it.”

“Hey, paperwork, gimme!” Remus butted in before Virgil dropped his shit and pounced on his new landlord. Anton skeptically raised an eyebrow at him instead of the irate emo next to him, and pulled out some papers from a satchel on his hip.

“Read through and sign on the bottom." Anton said, thrusting the lease into Remus' hands. He was lucky Remus was speed reader. 

"You want me to move across the hall by tomorrow?" Remus frowned, "That's ridiculous! And I know ridiculous!"

"I did a quick inspection of the place. It's in good condition and most of the furniture is mine. It won't take you long." Anton shrugged, making Virgil snarl under his breath. 

"I'll start moving stuff today, but I need until tomorrow to get everything. Unless you plan on helping me." Remus countered, "And then you can join the orgy." He winked for added effect. Anton paled and shook his head.

"You aren't up to standard." he lied through his teeth, "You have until tomorrow afternoon." 

"Be more specific." Virgil ordered, sending a delicious chill down Remus' spine. Virgil was putting the scare in Scare Bear, and causing massive internal swooning for Remus. 

"3pm." Anton said, trembling slightly under Virgil's death-glare, "That's when I need to pick up the documents." 

"Fantasdick!" Remus cheered, though he was obviously pissed off. Anton nodded and tossed him a set of keys. Then he left without another word. He had better things to do than chat with his tenants. 

"Wow." Virgil huffed as soon as he was gone, "He's like Remy without a sense of humor." 

"He has a snappable neck, that's why he's always got that scarf on, so no one gets ideas. Luckily he doesn't get hissy, has fair rates, and gets handymen in quick. Oh and he's not anal about rent, just get it all in by April 1st and December 31st, or like 89% of it at least and he won't be too bitchy." Remus explained. He wasn't going to add that Anton liked him enough for weeding out the creeps to give him some extra leeway on top of his usual policy.

"He's still a stone cold bitch." Virgil pouted. Remus shrugged and motioned him to the new apartment. Virgil had to laugh at it—G13. No wonder no one wanted it! Remus smiled to himself at the sound of snickering as he unlocked the door and opened it. 

His jaw dropped at the sight before him. Even Virgil was stunned. The majority of Remus' furniture was in the living room area, including a few boxes of stuff properly labeled and waiting on the good-dream couch. Remus wasn't sure if he wanted to strangle Anton or thank him. Virgil was too shocked to help him decide.

"Is this all your stuff?" Virgil gawked and set his box down by the door. Remus shook his head as he scanned the pile, thrusting the paperwork into Virgil’s hands. The chest at the end of his bed wasn't there. But that was understandable, it was heavy and full of the things that made Anton sick. 

"Nope! Come on, let's go grab the rest of it and then we can start unpacking!" Remus beamed and grabbed his free hand without thinking. Virgil didn't have time to process the touch before being dragged down the hall to the old apartment. 

"Reek!" Virgil yelped when Remus stopped suddenly to open the door, forcing Virgil to crash onto his side. Remus oofed but managed to open the door without falling over. It was weird for this apartment to be empty. 

"Okay. I need you to check the kitchen for anything that isn't stuck in place. I'm gonna get my special trunk and anything left in the bedroom and bathroom." Remus said seriously. It was odd but Virgil kind of liked this side of him. It was stable and comforting if not incredibly hot. Oh no, he was blushing and his hands were sweaty. 

"You got it Octopup!" Virgil squeaked, yanking his hand away and scurrying to the kitchen. Remus took a second to stare after him. He hadn't used that nickname since before he was out, when he was flirting. It was odd and it gave Remus butterflies in his tummy. But he had to focus. 

He went to his old bedroom and saw how bare it was, just a dresser, a bed, and the chest that looked like it came out of a bad pirate movie. Remus went for the chest and opened it. The top part was closed off and secure so none of his fun items would fall out, the bottom was full with a lightweight blanket, sheets, and his stuffed animals. Nothing was out of place, which meant Anton really didn't touch it and he could close it without worrying. Good.

After a quick sweep of the room and bathroom, Virgil came in with nothing. He knocked on the door frame and wandered inside, kneeling on one side of the chest.

"He was thorough, the prick," Virgil huffed, "This the last thing?" 

"Yup! It goes straight to the furnished bedroom! We can clear the couch and I can find a good frame at the dump tomorrow, maybe even a mattress too." 

"Should I come along and help you pick it out? Seein as it's gonna be where I sleep."

"Says who? You can have the nice bed!" Remus jeered. He knew that would ruffle Virgil's feathers in the best way.

"We'll talk about it later. Now we gotta move this." Virgil retorted and grabbed the end of the chest. Remus mirrored him and they hefted it up. It was heavy but worth moving just to witness Virgil using those muscles. Remus wasn't a weak man, maybe his knees were for unrelated reasons, but he was breaking a sweat. 

They managed their way to the other apartment with very little issue, which was a miracle considering the path was not exactly clear. They made it to the bedroom and set their load down. 

"Damn," Virgil said and took in the room, “What would’ve happened if we backed out? That asshole really went into your shit and moved everything. If I weren’t gonna move in I woulda shown that fucker the meanin of pain.”

“Anton and I are really well synced. He wouldn’t have considered touching my stuff if he weren’t certain he could get away with it. And he was able to get away with it.”

“Lemme get a pen to sign this so his bullshit won’t go to waste.”

“You read the lease?” Remus questioned and got up. Virgil nodded and pulled the rolled up papers from his pocket, slightly crinkled from his previous activities, and waved it overhead.

"I don’t take anyone’s word for it with these things, even if we are roommates." he responded to Remus’ confused pout and got up.

"Oh my God we’re roommates!” Remus giggled, “Besties, roomies, coworkers, let’s be partners in crime next! I know just the bank to rob!”

“You want to rob a bank?” Virgil scoffed. 

“Nah! Not unless you want to, and then we can make-out for the security cameras so we don’t blow our cover in jail.” Remus hummed and wiggled like a goofy kid suggesting something ridiculous that an adult might let slide.

“I think moving in together is a bold enough statement. Let’s unpack, fight about the damn bed, and get to the Falcon’s Talyn before the groomzillas have a fit.” Virgil jeered and nudged him with his shoulder. 

“Do you think we should kiss in front of them? It’ll make it more believable.” Remus suggested and wiggled his eyebrows. He wanted smooches. 

“I’ll consider it, but right now we have shit to do, Octopup, let’s get to it.” Virgil replied with an infuriating smirk that made Remus want to melt. Things were going too smoothly for Virgil to make his mind wander to those lips. He would have to hope for the best when they went out again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Anton, the critic, is indeed a shady bitch landlord, and aroace, because fuck it, let's make the total number of aroace characters in this au 3_


	9. The Falcon's Talyn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Two chapters at once? Yeah that's what happens when you don't write things in order like me_ ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

The Falcon’s Talyn wasn’t exactly the upscale shop someone would expect Roman to go to for his special day, but there he was, with Remy, in the front of the store waiting for the last of their groomsguard to show up and get properly fitted. The boutique was filled with cute goth designs ranging from classic Victorian-inspired pieces, to more modern styles and even a pastel section. Remy was still amazed that Roman chose this place, but didn’t complain since it was under budget. 

"So how was your day?" Remy hummed and bumped Roman with his hip. Roman glanced at him and rolled his eyes.

"Let's try not to dampen the mood, my Waking Dream." 

"Sounds like you had to deal with some harsh critics at the studio, Prince Charming. You can spill the tea whenever you want to, babes." 

"Later, darling. But if you want to spill the tea on your customers, I won't stop you." Roman hummed and smiled at him knowingly. Remy lowered his sunglasses and opened his mouth as he smiled. 

"Girl!" he said and lifted his eyebrows, "You are gonna die when you hear this sap story. Virgey asked Remus out, in trash-tacular fashion." 

"You finally got a chance to chat!" Roman cheered, "Oh I can't wait to hear the details." Remy giggled and booped his nose—he could see the dynamic duo approaching and didn't want to distract too much. 

"Ask them yourself, boo." he cooed as Virgil let Remus lead him through the door, the bell overhead ringing to alert the shopkeeper. 

It was a comical sight to behold—Remus was dragging Virgil along like a tired soldier from the battlefield. 

"Look what the rat dragged in!" Remy jeered. 

"Hey!" Remus pouted, "Virgil is not a rat! I am and so's my stinky big brother!" Remy chuckled at the indignant noise that escaped his fiance's lips. 

"Put a sock in it Princey!" Virgil huffed, "You're marryin Ratatouille."

"The stew?" Remy questioned, "I know I'm a whole meal but I got class! Just look at my fiance!"

"Do I have to? I like the way his brother looks better." Virgil retorted playfully and stuck out his tongue. Remus cackled at the second round of offended noises that escaped Roman. 

"This is no way to say hello to the couple about to be married!" Roman huffed, "Now you come with me, Your Disgrace! Talyn should be allowed to go home this evening!" 

"Disgrace? I'm more graceful than you'll ever be! And I don't even try to keep in shape like you!" Remus scoffed playfully. Roman snarled under his breath. He did not need the usual banter with his identical twin.

"No, no, babes, I'll be dragging you to the back. My Knight in Rainbow Armor cannot even! He’ll keep an eye on Storm Cloud!" Remy cut in and pushed Virge aside, grabbing Remus by the arm and dragging him to the back room. Roman sighed gratefully before turning to Virgil with a scowl.

"I don't know how you two got together, I don't care how happy I am for you both, if you hurt my idiot brother I will find you and I will make you pay." 

"You do care. Your threat's been noted, Princey." Virgil said with a wry smile and crossed his arms to subconsciously hide his unbound chest. 

"He's my brother, of course I care. And I mean it, he's been pining after you for years and I will not let you break his heart." Roman huffed. Virgil blinked and tried to process what Roman said. Pining after him? For years? It was Roman the fairytale prince wannabe saying it, but he had his sibling rivalry that could outweigh his need to help everyone find that happy ending. 

"I won't break his heart." Virgil responded with a shrug, playing it cool while his thoughts raced, "He's lucky." 

"And why is that?" Roman sneered. 

"He has a family member who would fight for his honor. You think E threatened him?" Virgil rolled his eyes. And who should show up outside the window than the lawyer themself? One glance at Virge and then the door and they burst in.

"Virge what the fuck do you think you're doin?!" Ethel snapped, "The damn store is closed!"

"Speak of the devil."

"Oh I will give you hell if you even think about making Talyn's life harder!"

"Asshole, I'm kinda waiting for Remus to get his uniform. Save the threats for him."

"Why would I do that? My husband is preg-nant. I can't just go around makin threats I can't back up!"

"You just threatened me, in front of Roman." Virgil frowned at them. E's face fell and they glanced at Roman. He smiled awkwardly at them and waved. 

"This was a scheduled appointment, not to worry." Roman said, causing them to visibly relax. Virgil on the other hand was more rigid and alert than ever. The smirk that crossed E's face said it all. 

"Dealing with the future in-laws?" they teased.

“No? I’m not engaged and as you can see Remy’s family isn’t here, so neither is Ro.” Virgil frowned. 

“You might as well be, doll. You might as well be.”

“Ethel, I’m warnin you. Piss off.” Virgil snarled. Roman had a certain curious gleam in his eye, and he was ready to ask what E meant, when Remy ran from the back room. 

“Babes! You have got to see this!” Remy shouted, “It’s insane!” 

“Remy, c’mon!” Talyn groaned at the hyped-up coffee addict, “Just let him show them!” They spotted E among the group and waved at their favorite customer. Remy rolled his eyes, so much for the drama of it all!

“Fine!”

And that’s when Virgil’s heart stopped. Remus stepped out of the workroom in an all-black princely ensemble with a dark green sash and silver accents. It fit him perfectly and he moved in it with a dignified air that no one was expecting (he knew this would make heads turn!) Roman was beaming like a school kid on his birthday. Ethel’s expression was unreadable, but their eyes were locked on Virgil, who looked ready to break. 

“Do I look good, Broman?” Remus asked and turned to show off every angle. 

“You know I think we might actually be related!” Roman squealed, this was better than he imagined.

“Oh so I look like an idiot, great!” Remus teased. Remy giggled and wrapped his arms around his sputtering fiance.

“What do you think, Scare Bear?” Remus asked Virgil. He was a little surprised when Virgil came up to him and studied the jacket, brushing the lint from the shoulders. He let his hands rest there and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. 

“You look like a prince, babe” Virgil hummed with a knowing smirk. He could see Ethel’s expression become unreadable from the corner of his eye and knew he would have to answer for this later.

“Talyn, you do great work, but Imma go and come back when the store is actually open.” they said before making their exit. Virgil would hear from them later! 

"Thanks, Scare Bear!" Remus hummed softly with a quirky little grin. He was tempted to steal another kiss but decided against it when Virgil moved back. They didn't break eye contact, neither willing to ruin the moment.

"Aw, he really is your brother!" Remy cooed and tightened his arms around Roman. Roman chuckled and leaned into the touch with a soft smile.

"I suppose he is, my Dream," Roman sighed, "But I'm the one who gets to marry someone as witty and bold as you."


	10. Exhaustion and Admission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Heads up, there's nudity in this chapter._

Remus almost went to the wrong apartment when he and Virge returned from the fitting. Luckily Virgil remembered and guided him to the correct door, unlocking it and letting him in first. The couch was still covered in boxes, since despite their best efforts, they couldn’t get everything unpacked in such a short amount of time. At least the bed was made. 

"Hey Scare Bear," Remus hummed softly as Virgil locked up for the night, "thanks for saving my ass with this dumb wedding." 

"No problem, it's not like I have anything else I gotta do." Virgil yawned. 

"No, but you're going above and beyond, really selling it. Hell, you kissed me and you didn't have to or want to!" Remus pressed, "I owe you!" 

Virgil hugged him and buried his face in his shoulder.

"Who says I didn't want to?" he mumbled, "They're a damned liar." 

"Virgil?" Remus squeaked and hugged him back, melting into the contact.

"I wanted to, and I maybe kinda want to do it again." he breathed. 

"Virgil, you know what you're saying, right? I know I seem like an upbeat, carefree manwhore, but I have feelings." Remus said and held him at arm's length. Virgil averted his gaze and sighed.

"I know. Me too." 

"Let's get ready for bed, I'll clear off the couch and we can argue about who sleeps on it for a few hours until one of us passes out." Remus suggested, barely able to hear himself as his heart pounded in his ears. 

"Remus, I—" Virgil began but thought better of it, "I don't mind sharin. It's been a long day. Pajamas are optional." 

"Optional?" Remus giggled, "Is the feral mojo getting to you after all this time?" 

"Nah, but you sleep in the nude, and I don't want to make you uncomfortable." Virgil shrugged and finally looked him in the eye, "That's the last thing I want to do." 

"You should know that I am a cuddler and I will latch on to you in my sleep." Remus warned and guided him to the bedroom. Virgil shrugged and leaned into him as they moved.

"So are you more of a t-shirt and boxers guy, a onesie guy, or a matching set kinda guy?" Remus asked, turning on the light.

"I usually sleep in the buff. But I have boxers and a tee. Like I said, I don't want you to be uncomfortable." Virgil replied and bit back a yawn. Remus smiled at him and shook his head. 

"I'm okay with no clothes. I'm not some horny teen. If you don't mind bareback snuggles, I'm good with that." 

"Promise you won't do anything to me in my sleep." 

"I promise, except for the boobs. I might be a little grabby in my sleep, especially with Stashie and Cthulhu. If that's a problem—"

"Stashie and Cthulhu?"

"My plushies! I'll show you!" Remus chuckled and knelt in front of the chest. He pulled out two toys and stood up. One was an old stuffed octopus with a brown mustache, the other was a plush doll with a distinct Cthulhu head, and both were neon green. Virgil couldn't fight the sappy grin that crossed his face, not when Remus was so excited to show off his soft friends.

"You actually sleep with them?" Virgil asked amusedly, "I woulda never guessed you would."

"I am full of surprises!" Remus giggled and set his friends back in their home.

"That's true. Let's get ready." 

After a solid teeth brushing and face washing, Remus stripped and crawled under the covers. He willed his heart to slow down as he waited for Virge to finish up. He was more excited about cuddling with the man of his dreams than seeing him naked. His soft but strong Scare Bear agreed to this and he would not let his libido ruin it. 

Virgil returned after a few minutes and spotted Remus already in bed. He was too cute when he was tired. It made Virgil want to pepper his face with kisses and it eased his tension.

He disrobed quickly in the least enticing way possible. Remus didn't watch him but once he was bare, Remus had to take a peek. He had never seen beauty in such a raw form, every curve and dip was all Virgil, the chub on his tummy, his marked up skin, everything culminated into a work of art that Remus considered never maring.

"Quit gawkin and move over." Virgil grumbled. Remus obeyed and let Virgil get into bed next to him. 

"Has anyone ever told you that you are the most beautiful man in the world?" Remus asked and turned out the lights. Good, he didn't need to see how far Virgil's blush could go,

"Because goddamn you really are."

Virgil huffed and curled up against Remus' chest.

"Liar!" he yawned, "Have you looked in a mirror recently?" He was exhausted, maybe that's why he was getting so bold. He really didn't care, Remus was warm and soft like a fuzzy teddy bear and he could pretend that Roman was being honest before. 

"You are gonna make me think you don't want this to be fake," Remus mused and wrapped an arm around Virgil, who practically purred at the contact. 

"I better keep it up." Virgil mumbled as sleep slowly captured him. Remus froze, his pulse jumped as Virgil snuggled closer, burying his face in Remus' chest.

"Virgil—"

"Love you, Octopup." Virgil mumbled before completely passing out. 

Remus' heart stopped. He couldn't have heard right. But Virgil did seem to lower his defenses when he was tired, he could still feel the tingling where Virgil accidentally kissed him two weeks ago. Maybe he had a chance, maybe he could get away with asking Virgil on a real date. Maybe. But he could certainly get away with this: 

"Love you too, Scare Bear," he hummed softly and pressed a kiss to his forehead. He held his sleeping emo closer and watched the rise and fall of his chest, like a visual metronome that guided him into a wonderful state of unconscious bliss.

  
  
The toys in question (both found on amazon if you're curious)  



	11. Connection

Virgil slowly awoke from one of the best night's sleep he had in years. He blinked and took in the room, unsure at first, but he soon recalled the previous day's activities, which included the move. He was living with Remus, right! That explained the warm weight on his back and the arms wrapped around his waist and chest. He really didn’t mind that Remus was cradling his tits or tickling his shoulder with his mustache every time he exhaled. It was comfy and he didn’t feel like someone’s fetish or just a body. He did, however, have to pee.

“Ree,” Virgil grunted and gently nudged his cuddle partner with his elbow, “Ree let go.” Remus, in his sleepy state, grunted and snuggled closer, burying his face in Virgil’s shoulder. He tightened his grip, and groaned, unaware that he was not holding onto Stashie. Virgil stifled a groan and tried to think of something that would work. He had an idea, but he was sure he would flounder somewhere.

“¡Remus Mendoza Castille! ¡Déjame ir ahora mismo!” he snapped. Remus jolted backward, wide awake his arms comically flailing to his sides. He took in his surroundings and pouted as Virgil got up. 

“Scare Bear, why did you wake me? I was having the best dream! And where are Cthulhu and Stachie?” he asked, before realizing that Virgil was just as naked as he was and the chest at the end of the bed was closed. 

“They’re where they belong.” Virgil huffed and grabbed his hoodie from the floor, “I’ll be back, I have to pee.”

“Should I put on pants? I’m not ready to get up yet.” Remus yawned, “And I kinda like spooning you.”

“Do what you want, I don’t have to be anywhere until tonight. Patton insisted on family night.”

“Family night?”

“Yeah, dinner and some movie. They already know about the fake datin situation so you don’t have to come with.” Virgil shrugged, “Hold that thought.” he said before running to the bathroom, leaving Remus to ponder and rest his eyes. 

He would definitely love to have some of Patton’s cooking, and maybe baking, free of charge. Plus those two might have some advice for a lovesick fool like him. After a confession like last night, with very little chance of Virgil remembering, he was feeling bold and lucky. 

Virgil came back and saw Remus resting, thinking he was asleep again. Virgil checked the time on his phone and shrugged, it was stupid early and he was feeling lazy. He took off his hoodie, crawled under the covers and pressed his lips to Remus' forehead, since it wasn't like he would be caught. 

"Practicing for the next public appearance, Scare Bear?" Remus mumbled and peeked up at him through one eye. Virgil went bright red and that blush traveled past his shoulders. Remus lifted his head with an impish grin and struck, planting a kiss on Virgil's forearm. 

"Hey!" Virgil yelped and pulled his arm to his chest. 

"Fair is fair!" Remus chuckled, "And you started it." He stuck out his tongue childishly and scooted back to give Virgil some space. A dangerous glint flashed in Virgil's eyes, and Remus knew he was in for it. 

"This is war Skunk boy!" he snarled and pounced, pulling Remus close and kissing his cheek over and over. Remus giggled and lazily batted him away.

"You win! You win!" he said with a laugh, "Buy me dinner first you tease!" 

"Dinner?" Virgil's expression blanked. That was a good idea for when he decided to ask Remus out. He was going to get some real advice from Patton, but maybe he wouldn't need to. 

"You wanna come with? Patton always makes a lot of food." Virgil asked. 

"I'd love to eat Patton food with you!" Remus cheered, "But I'm not going anywhere if you don't get back down here for snuggles!" 

"Fine!" Virgil huffed playfully and curled up under the covers. Remus beamed and pulled him to his chest, wrapping his arms just above his navel. 

"You really are a gentleman!" Virgil teased. Remus hummed and shook his head,

"I can show you how wrong you are about that." 

"Y'know, I don't think there's a thing you can do that'd change my mind." Virgil chuckled and twisted to face Remus, "And that might be a challenge."

"Careful, Scare Bear," Remus jeered, keeping his eyes locked on that impish face, "Someone might think you want to be my real boyfriend." 

"That might put a wrench in the plan y'know." 

"How so?"

"I might just want to take you away from the reception for myself if we were dating." Virgil mumbled and curled his fingers in the hair on Remus' chest, "I would ruin the façade just to be selfish with you."

"You don't need to be my boyfriend to do that. Drag me away from my drunk relatives who'll pester me about you or 'breaking up' with you to meet a nice girl." Remus huffed, "And do whatever you want with me, short of cremation." 

"Ugh, yeah I'll be sure to be the tramp that drags you away for some alone time." 

"You are the absolute best, Virge." Remus gave him a light squeeze and hummed softly when Virgil squeaked. 

"Nah, I'm just a genderfuck trans guy who agreed to go along with your scheme." Virgil was not about to take any praise in this position. He was far more vulnerable and exposed both inside and out to let his ego inflate, not when it could pop so easily. 

"Bullshit!" Remus scoffed, "You are the best composer I know, the wittiest, sharpest, boldest person with a heart of gold worthy of a jar on my shelf." 

"Remus—"

"You are funny and fun and loving and caring. You're adorable and scary and sexy and I will fight anyone who thinks you aren't!" Remus huffed. He expected Virgil to tell him to fight him, or for Virgil to push him away and tell him to shut up and stop being sappy.

He was pleasantly surprised when Virge leaned up and dragged him into a kiss with one arm. 

"Stop talking, you sweet sonofabitch." he whispered against Remus' lips, "Or I will shut you up." 

"If you plan on shutting me up like that, I'm gonna keep talking!" Remus giggled, causing Virgil to roll him on the back and straddle him. He pushed Remus into the pillows and connected their lips once again, this time, letting his hands slide down his chest. It felt right, it didn't feel like Remus would use him, it was comfortable.

"I plan on doing anything I can do shut you up, Octopuppy!" Virgil hummed, "And I have all morning to do just that." Remus pulled him in for another heated kiss. He would let this go as far as he could, it was a dream come true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I won't be posting smut in this fic but I might just post it separately if there's enough demand, if not there's no need to get into the details plot-wise_


	12. A Little Closer

Patton was a little surprised to get that text from Virgil, but he was fine with cooking for four instead of three. It would certainly be an interesting evening! He decided to give Virgil a call a little while later just to be sure everything was alright and to make sure that Remus didn't have any food allergies.

"Hey Pat," Virge greeted when he answered the phone. He sounded distressed.

"Hey Virge, are you okay, honey?" Patton asked and shifted on his couch to kick his legs up. 

"I dunno. I'm scared." Virgil admitted quietly. 

"What's wrong?" 

"I think I ruined my chances with Ree." 

"What? How?" He jolted to his feet, ready to fight anyone who dared try and scare his boy. There was a pause and a sigh on the other end of the phone.

"I slept with him. And yes started it." Virgil chuckled softly, letting his voice crack near the end.

"You mean—?"

"Yep. And I started it. What if he got what he wanted and wants nothing to do with me? What if he realizes that he could do better? What if—?" Virgil ranted, his pitch rising as more and more frantic words spilled from him. 

"Virgil!" Patton said firmly, "Count to ten and breathe. Now I don't know exactly how you two have been getting along, but I know you are particular about that stuff and it takes a lot to get you interested in showing that much of yourself." 

"You're right." Virgil ceded.

"Yeppers, and he has to be really special and considerate of you to get that far. That's a lot of work for a quick fuck, don'cha think?" 

"Patton!" 

"I'm the pregnant one here! I know about that stuff!" Patton groaned, "Refocus, kiddo. If he made you feel comfortable enough to want to have sex with him, I don't think he'd let all that effort go to waste after that." 

"You have a point." 

"You betcha! I'll be sure to keep an eye on him tonight and then I can tell you for sure how little you have to worry." 

"Thanks Pat." 

"No problem!" Patton chuckled, "But uh could you please put Remus on the phone? I want to ask him some food related stuff." The sound of Virgil moving to another room was all Patton needed to hear to know Virgil was doing as he requested. 

Patton paced idly across the floor and waited. He was going to give Remus a piece of his mind for making Virgil panic like that! Especially since Virgil had feelings for him! No playboy trash bastard was gonna hurt his kiddo! 

"Hello?" Remus yawned, apparently just waking from a nap. 

"Remus!" Patton said with as much cheer as he could muster. 

"Patton! Virgil didn't tell me I was gonna talk to you!" Remus squealed, "Listen, I don't know what you were planning on saying but I definitely need to talk to you and E about something big. I was gonna call them in a bit but you are just as good." 

"Define big." Patton responded curtly. He winced at the tone he used but didn't apologize.

"Not small. I don't want to be so secretive but I don't want to be overheard. Let's just say I need some advice and guidance. I'll call you back later when I'm out." 

"Okay? But before you go I was wondering if you had any dietary restrictions." 

"I don't, except holy water. Should I bring anything?"

"No, no, I have that covered." 

"I'll call you back in like an hour." Remus said and hung up. Patton thought it was rude to do that since he was talking to Virgil first. But he supposed he could bide his time making cookies for dessert. 

* * *

"No!" Ethel snapped when they came through the door, making Patton jump when he was drying the last of his dishes. It had been a little over an hour and he realized E was on the phone. He knew exactly who it was. 

"Put him on speaker, Pumpkin!" Patton called and made his way to the sitting room. Ethel groaned and kicked their heels across the room before flopping on the couch. 

"Shaddap wouldja!" they hissed into the phone and grinned awkwardly at their husband. 

"Remus?" Patton asked, and they nodded. 

"Put him on speaker, Honey." And Ethel did.

"Pat? Oh good! I was just telling Mx. Merman that I wanna talk to both of you, but they didn't wanna stress you out because you're knocked the fuck up but this is serious!" 

"How serious we talkin here?" Ethel groaned. 

"I don't know what you know about things between me and Virge—"

"We know you fucked." Ethel sneered. 

"Eh, I wouldn't call it that but yeah, something like that. Anyway so you know but did Virge tell you what he said to me last night?" 

"What?" Patton asked and sat next to his spouse. With the way Virge was freaking out earlier, it had to be something big.

"He said 'I love you' before passing out."

"He did not!" E gasped.

"Yeah! And that's why I'm asking you for help. I want to ask him on a date, like a real date, before the wedding bullshit. But I don't know what to do about the actual date! I'm not experienced and I can't scare him away." 

"Are you just doing this because he said that and you feel bad?"

"No! I absolutely adore him! For so long I thought he wasn't interested in a guy like me and if I made any moves he'd stop being my friend! I have been dreaming about some of the sappiest domestic shit I would do with him! I want to wake up every morning and see him next to me! I want to sweep him off his feet like the dark prince he is! And you have the nerve to suggest—I feel like I have a shot and I am not throwing it away!" Remus ranted, falling into Spanish as emotions took over his speech. Patton recoiled and curled into Ethel who looked ready to kill. It was hard to tell which one was more pissed off.

"¡Lo adoro! ¡Lo amo! ¡Me siento que una pluma que aterrizara en una mata de descomposición iridiscente por su sonrisa hermosa!"1

"Easy! You need to cool it!" Ethel snapped, "You can rage in your rage language when we're not tryin to protect lil Virge!" 

"Merida."2 Remus groaned and took a few calming breaths. Patton glanced at Ethel and smiled softly, no tears in sight. That one quirk of his lips eased their mounting headache. 

"Okay, I'm cool, I'm cool, I got a little fired up there but I'm cool." 

"So you want ideas for a date with Virgil?" Patton asked calmly. 

"Yeah. I need a good one." 

"Take it from me, the lil tramp is dead weird." Ethel hummed and unbuttoned their blouse just a bit. 

"Be nice!" Patton chided. 

"Go on." 

"I've had my share of experiences with him since I was a boy in the city. When he came to visit we would jump across the rooftops, parkour and shit, until sunset and we'd watch the stars."

"So I should take him and parkour?"

"No, his center of balance shifted with puberty 1 and 2. But he did like stargazin." 

"Stars. Nope. Can't do it. Not today." Remus giggled. 

"As for a bigger date since you two both know that stargazing isn't direct enough," Patton cut in, "Why not take him to a movie or a museum." 

"Boring!" 

"He likes the zoo and aquarium. Somethin about hairy smelly apes just draws him in." E jeered. Patton opened his mouth to reprimand them when Remus laughed. 

"You're just trying to inflate my ego now!" Remus cackled, "I'll ask him to go to the aquarium and then we can stargaze!" 

"That's a great idea!" Patton cheered, "We won't spoil it for you when you get here! Now go get ready—I'm making the best darn spag bol you'll ever have!" 

"He says without using garlic!" 

"You're not supposed to!"

"Whatever! I'm still gonna scarf it down!" Remus giggled, "See you crazy kids in an hour!" He laughed once more before hanging up. 

"We have twenty minutes before I get cooking." Patton mused as E hung up their phone. 

"What were you thinkin, dollface?" E teased and kissed Patton's cheek. 

"I found a good compilation of funny cats, it's so cute!" Patton giggled and pulled out his phone. E hummed softly and pressed their lips to his forehead.

"Not nearly as cute as you."

"Sugar you're gonna make me cry!" Patton giggled and pulled up the video. He was going to cry anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. "I adore him! I love him! I feel like a feather that landed on an iridescent cloud of decay because of his gorgeous smile!"
> 
> 2\. "Shit." 
> 
> I'm not a native/heritage speaker so tell me if I fucked up on the Spanish in any way.


	13. Attempts Were Made

Virgil couldn't help it, the second they got out of the van he got as close as possible to Remus. He even dared to try and hold his hand—and succeeded. He had no idea why he was so nervous as he led the way to E's apartment, it wasn't as if he were going to ask Remus out in front of them and Patton! Too much pressure! But if he got rejected and kicked out, they would be there to take him in for the night. Decisions, decisions.

Remus was just as nervous, but unlike the twitching, wide-eyed babe holding his hand, he could hide it. He had to make it through the evening acting like he was fine and everything was normal and that he wasn't about to take a huge risk the moment they left.

"Hey, Reek," Virgil mumbled as they approached the door, "I know we're supposed to be pretending to be a couple, but—" he paused and stole a glance at Remus. He was a little tense but that soft look in his eyes made Virgil's mouth dry up. 

"Yeah, Scare Bear?" 

"Maybe we could, I dunno, um—" 

"You think we should try and sell it more?" Remus asked with a wry smirk. 

"Somethin like that. It might be a good idea to be seen together in public." 

"With another couple?" Remus offered, hoping the answer was no. He was being selfish, but he didn't want to share Virgil's attention even if they were supposed to be doing this for show. The situation at hand was different, this wasn't a date at all.

"Yeah, like a double date or whatever." Virgil winced the second he suggested that. Luckily for him, Remus caught that flinch. He squeezed Virgil's hand and shook his head.

"Too obvious!" Remus brushed him off, "I'll set a reservation for Emile's favorite restaurant on their usual date night. We'll be seen and we won't have to remember our bullshit story."

"I like the way you think." Virgil said with a soft smile. Remus snorted and shook his head. 

"You're cute Scare Bear! The way I think is gruesome and dirty!" 

"Worse than torturin you at H.H. Holmes' murder castle before goin Jeffrey Dahmer on your innards?" Virgil said, raising a questioning eyebrow, a little more at ease since he was able to stall for time.

"Don't try to turn me on before we even get to dinner!" Remus laughed, "Seriously, though, buy me dinner first." 

"Set up the reservation and we'll see what happens." Virgil jeered and gently shoved him. Remus giggled and winked at him. Virgil flushed lightly and finally knocked on the door. Ethel was probably just on the other side, waiting and listening in. 

"Hey there kiddos!" Patton greeted not a moment later when he flung the door open. He was bubbly and excitable as always and the aroma from the kitchen was mouth-watering. Virgil relaxed and waved at him before Patton dragged them both inside.

"You're just in time! I hope the drive wasn't too bad!" Patton continued to talk as he led them to the kitchen. 

"Nope! It was pretty tame, no zombies or horrible crashes!" Remus mused, "The biggest problem was me changing the radio!" Patton flinched and rolled his shoulders, trying to shake off the dark implications. 

"Yeah, it was an easy trip. Though I regret leavin my coat in the car. It's cold out there." Virgil said, before Remus could make Patton uncomfortable without meaning to.

"It's fuckin brick!" E scoffed from their seat at the table. All the places were set and they were leaning on one arm, smiling wickedly while waggling their fingers to wave at the pair. 

"Took your own sweet time, Segreti?" they teased, "Didn't wanna share your new roommate too soon?" 

"Bitch please!" Remus laughed as Virgil grumbled and went to the sink to wash his hands, "I'm the one who didn't want to share him—not in one piece!" 

"Ducey, you know how you do this thing and say gross shit without thinkin?" E droned, to which Remus nodded. 

"Yeah? Don't! I don't mind but my sweet lil doll is puke-prone and eight weeks along. Watch it." 

"Eight weeks?" Virgil questioned as he dried his hands. Remus saluted E and motioned to zip his lips as he brushed past Virgil to wash his hands. 

"Yeah! The doctor told me yesterday! Isn't it great?" Patton giggled, though he was swaying where he stood. He was wan and Ethel shifted in their seat, ready to act at a second's notice. 

"Oh—oh fuck!" Patton yelped, cut off by a nasty burp and covered his mouth. Virgil froze on the spot as the poor man clutched his abdomen and bolted for the bathroom. Ethel was on his tail. 

"Ugh—I don't think Pat's gonna eat much." Remus winced as the sounds of wretching and vomiting escaped the bathroom. 

"Yeah, I gotta say—" Virgil paused when the sound of sobs hit him, "—I gotta say it looks like we might need a plan B." 

"What day is it?" Remus asked, drying his hands. 

"Monday." Virgil answered wearily. Remus' face lit up and he twirled his mustache around his finger like some cartoonish villain. Virgil didn't like that, even if Remus made it look good.

"Why?" he pressed, blocking out the choked sobs coming from the bathroom. Remus shrugged.

"It's date night for the PhD duo. I remember Logan kicking me out of his office when I was doing research for Needle Tweedle. They're adamant about that schedule." he mused and watched the conflict cross Virgil's face. He wanted to retract his statement and tell Virge it wasn't a big deal and they could stay for Patton. But Virgil beat him to it.

"Yo E! You good?!" he called, not wanting to move closer. There was some murmuring that neither of the pair could make out before E shouted back, 

"Yeah, no! You guys should go! Babydoll needs some TLC!" 

"Next time you come to our place, I'll make the best damn bandeja paisa you ever had!" Remus called back. He felt bad for family night not working out and the sobbing broke his heart. 

"Sounds great!" E yelled, "And there's a gift card for Friday's by the door—Picani gave it to us when he cancelled last time! We can't stand the place!" 

"Thanks E! Youse guys take it easy, alright!" 

"Bye E! Bye Pat! Feel better! Don't let the kid take you down!" Remus shouted and headed towards the door. He spotted the gift card in question and snatched it. Virgil was close behind, and shouted, 

"Text me if you need anything! Ciao!" before they left.

Once they were outside and near the van Remus let out a long breath.

"That was more awkward than I expected." he sighed.

"Yeah. Let's go hit Friday's and pretend this was a bad dream."


	14. TGIM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _hey look, Lomeile_

It wasn't surprising that the restaurant was fairly empty when they walked into the kitchy atrium lined with American pop culture memorabilia. The hostess was friendly enough and she didn't assume anything. When she showed them to their table, Virgil was the first to spot a familiar nerd staring at them curiously. 

"I'm glad you agreed to complete the ritual." he mused and pulled out Remus' chair for him. Remus blinked at him and smirked as he sat down. He could put two and two together to get fish.

"I'm a willing sacrifice!" he giggled, “I’m ready to be castrated and drained of blood under the next full moon!” Virgil sat across from him and smiled crookedly, shaking his head fondly.

“Octopup, you know it’s just a liter of blood.” he cooed and picked up the menu, well aware of the confused stare Logan was giving him from across the way. Emile was also craning his neck to see what was going on. Even if he was just thrilled to be on the closest thing to a date with Remus, there was a little fun in being dramatic, so Virgil decided to keep it up.. It was no wonder the twins were so often!

“Aw, and I thought you were gonna get handsy with me!” Remus whined.

“That can still be arranged.” he jeered, flashing a coy smirk.

“You, know the bathroom is probably empty, if you want to eat something more substantial.” At Remus’ lewd suggestion, Logan’s face visibly paled. Virgil had to try not to laugh, it was such an expected reaction from the sex-neutral professor.

“I’m eating dinner before dessert, Reek.” Virge said with the hopes of sparing the scant few diners around them, namely the couple they were performing for.

“Fine!” Remus groaned playfully and picked up his menu. Unlike Virgil, Remus had no idea what he would want specifically. He was just looking at the cheapest options, since he wasn’t exactly willing to pay too much for one stinking meal.

“Get whatever you want, Ree,” Virgil hummed and set his menu down, “I got it covered.” Then the sneaky bastard pulled the gift card from his pocket. Remus had it in the van, when did Virgil--? He wasn’t about to ask. It was one of those few bad boy tricks Virgil was good at, unlike him, and Remus was swooning.

"Can I get a movie and coffee?"

"That isn't on the menu. But I don't see why not." Virgil jeered and winked at him.

A little ways away, Logan was watching the pair with intrigue. He was almost certain that Remus and Virgil were on a date, which was odd considering their social habits. He must have been staring too long as their waiter took their order, because Emile cleared his throat. 

"BB," he hummed, getting Logan's full attention, "Is something wrong? You're giving Mort and Gomez the stink eye." 

"No, no. I'm confused. I have come to understand that Remus does not date and neither does Virgil, and yet here they are." Logan responded and scooped up a forkful of potatoes, the last bit of food on his plate. Emile smiled at him knowingly.

"It's definitely a surprise, but I think this is a good step for them to take. It isn't easy for a transman to find someone who doesn't view him as a fetish." 

"You realize that you are talking about Remus, correct?" Logan questioned, unsure about the nature of Emile's relation to Remus.

"He might be part of the Gangreen Gang, but this isn't Ace and Buttercup." Emile chuckled and took a bite of his burger. Logan pouted and tried to understand the reference. 

"Powerpuff Girls," Emile said with a mouthful of food. 

"Would you mind clarifying your thought for me?" Logan asked. Emile swallowed and grinned. The only thing better than explaining cartoons was explaining them to his husband, who always paid attention to every detail.

"You see, there was one episode, Buttercrush, in which Buttercup develops a crush on the leader of the Gangreen Gang, Ace, out of pity. He takes advantage of her, uses her as a tool to try and get rid of her sisters. But she manages to save the day though she's heartbroken." 

"So in this contrasting comparison, Remus is Ace and Virgil is Buttercup?" 

"You got it!" 

"I see, and what led you to your conclusion about the situation and Remus' character and intent?" Logan questioned and adjusted his glasses.

"Back in college Remus came to me for some advice. Since he's on the aro spectrum, he doesn't have much experience dealing with romantic feelings. He needed some guidance on how to handle an unrequited crush so he could keep his best friend." 

"And Virgil has been the object of his affection since then?" Logan questioned and stole a fry and a glance at the pair. They were sharing an appetizer, wontons, and battling for the last one with their forks, giggling at each other. 

"They might not have our little Helga and Arnold dynamic, but I think they deserve a chance at happiness." 

"Hey Arnold?" Logan smirked, in full agreement with his husband. He knew some cartoons!

"You betcha!" Emile giggled. 

"I would think our dynamic is different." 

"Nope! I recall you getting huffy and curt with me during Psych 101. You couldn't stand me! But you fell for me platonically and got super soft!" Emile hummed, noting just how red Logan's ears were.

"I suppose, but soft?" 

"And squishy! And I called you Squishy and I made you mine and now you are my squishy!" Emile teased. Logan huffed and reached over to boop him on the nose. The giggle that bubbled past his lips certainly did make Logan squishy. 

"Why don't we leave them be and have their fun for now?" Emile hummed, noticing that Logan had finished eating, "I want to hear all about the similarities you found between 90s anime and Steven Universe. You spent so much time researching it!" 

With the invitation to divulge in his findings, Logan went off on a long tangent, filling the silence while Emile enjoyed his food and his company. 


	15. Brownie Points

Dinner was quiet after the wonton battle. Remus was too hungry to chat and it gave Virgil a chance to plan his next move. He chickened out before but he was determined. He would not let this one slip through the cracks he wouldn't miss this chance just to wonder the what ifs. Those doubts were far more unsettling than the possibility of Remus saying no.

"So," Remus hummed as he wiped his mouth with a napkin, "got room for dessert? Like, real desert, not ass." Virgil blinked at him and snorted. 

"Aw, do I have to pick just one?" Virgil jeered as he stacked their plates. Remus snickered and shook his head.

"Both is definitely an option, Scare Bear! I'll have you know that I am a champion at—"

"Hold that thought," Virgil cut him off, "You wanna split a dessert? There's this one brownie ala mode with pecans and caramel sauce."

"Did you just pronounce that as 'pee-can' and 'car-mel,' Scare Bear?" Remus giggled. 

"Is there a problem with the way I speak?" 

"No! No! I'm just surprised Patton hasn't killed you yet! I'm glad he hasn't!" he backtracked and held up his hands in surrender—he overstepped Virgil's boundaries, struck a nerve, and Virge was pissed! 

"Patton got over it." Virgil responded coolly, tilting his chin.

"Oh good! I would hate to see him kill you over something stupid like that—I mean I don't judge accents especially with how I pronounce things!" 

"How you pronounce things?" 

"Yeah! Like your name!" 

"My name? 'Virgil.'"

"Yeah, I pronounce it 'querido de miedo.'" Remus purred, waiting for Virgil to understand. He turned a charming shade of scarlet and averted his gaze, 

"Shaddap!" 

"Okiee dokiee!" Remus giggled, "Do you still want to split the brownie?" Virgil sighed and nodded, watching the waiter drop off the receipt at Logan's table before heading toward them.

"All set?" they asked with a forced smile and took their empty plates.

"We wanna get that brownie dessert too please," Remus said, "to split." 

"One brownie obsession with two spoons. Anything else?" 

"Nope! Thanks!" Remus beamed. The waiter nodded and left. Virgil didn't dare look at Remus while his entire face resembled a tomato. Instead he watched Logan and Emile get up and leave. One less reason to be embarrassed at least.

"So when we get back, you wanna clear off the couch?" Remus asked with an unreadable expression on his face. Virgil looked at him and shrugged.

"I'm cool with sharin again. But we'll see when we get there." 

"Are pants still optional?" Remus asked with a light blush, "Because I'm kinda feeling them." That was a lie but he didn't want a repeat performance of that morning when it was dangerous to get attached.

"Yeah they're optional, and you made your choice." Virgil mused, "it's not gonna stop you from gettin cuddly, is it?" 

"Are cuddles a problem?" Remus questioned nervously. Cuddles were a key part of the equation for disaster. 

"They're kinda groundin." Virgil admitted sheepishly and rubbed the back of his neck. 

"If cuddles are grounding I'll be your lightning rod, Sas-quall!" Remus smiled softly, "Electrocute me all you want. It might cure the bipolar!" 

"Have you been takin your meds?" Virgil questioned. If it were anyone else using that tone, Remus would have been offended, but he knew Virgil well enough to know that he wasn't judging or doubtful. 

"Yup! And I'm not stopping!" he stated proudly, "And I just got a new prescription for cuddles with a handsome bastard." 

"Good luck findin one!" Virgil teased, no longer concerned about the scarlet hue on his face.

"Scare Bear," Remus scowled, "no self-depreciation right before ice cream." 

"I'm not handsome, just the sexiest eligible bachelor in town. And that's—" Virgil mused lazily, only to be cut off by the waiter setting down the dessert. It looked like a little piece of heaven. 

"Enjoy!" they said and handed Virgil the check. He nodded as they stalked off. Remus was drooling over the sugary confection, well not exactly over it. Virgil slipped the gift card in the folder and set it aside.

"Never had this before?" He mused and picked up one of the spoons. Remus shook his head while he stared slack-jawed at the warm brownie and ice cream. It was adorable to see Remus so awestruck, but Virgil wasn't letting the ice cream melt, and he scooped up a bit of everything on the spoon.

"It tastes better than it looks, Pup," Virgil jeered and pressed the spoon against Remus' lips, avoiding the mustache. Without thinking, Remus opened his mouth wider and let Virge feed him. The second the food hit his tongue, his eyes went wide.

"It's good, right?" Virgil asked smugly, not entirely grasping the situation when he pulled the spoon from Remus' lips. Remus definitely liked the contrast between warm and cold, but it was overshadowed by the fact that Virgil just did that. He swallowed thickly and nodded. 

"When I said we should spoon, this wasn't what I had in mind!" Remus chuckled, "My turn!" He grabbed the other spoon and switched seats to be next to him. He scooped up some of the dessert and guided the spoon to Virgil's mouth. 

"Cute," Virgil jeered despite being obviously flustered. He took the spoon in his mouth and let his eyes flutter shut. Remus removed the utensil, entranced as a contented moan escaped Virgil's throat. He couldn't help it, it was just the right balance of sweet and salty, warm and cold merging beautifully on his tongue. 

"Scare Bear, are you trying to seduce me by playing into my feederism kink?" Remus asked with a slack jaw. Virgil peeked at him with lidded eyes and swallowed.

"No. It's just really good. But am I succeedin?" 

"Yeah!" Remus admitted nonchalantly and wiggled in his seat. Virgil's eyebrows rose up into his bangs and a wicked smirk crossed his face. 

"I mean I'm pretty easy to seduce so it's not like it'll be a prob—" Remus tried to play it off only to get a full spoon pushed into his mouth. 

"Stop tellin me things I already know and enjoy your dessert." Virgil hummed, "I don't plan on makin this place Freaky Friday's." 

"What about Olive Garden?" Remus asked with his mouth full. Virgil tapped his chin in thought as Remus finished eating and smiled wickedly at him.

"You're the one who said there's only one good use for the breadsticks, Duce." 

Remus had never been redder. Virgil remembered that conversation, he listened. Forget the innuendo, he wanted to marry this man! 

"I knew you'd agree with me!" Remus laughed, "Now let's finish this and go home before I accidentally make a scene, you wolf spider!" 

Virgil ate more of the brownie and nodded. He could do it, and he would be damn sure to ask Remus to be his beau in the most Remus-approved way possible!


	16. Waluigi is Sexy (Fight Me)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _It's been ages since I played Mario Kart sorry for any inaccuracies._

Despite not wanting to sleep on the couch, Virgil and Remus agreed to clear it off since they did manage to set up the TV and console. The heavy work went to Remus.

"Imma get outta this binder real quick. I'll be right out." Virgil said when they got inside. Remus beamed at him and nodded. 

"Take your time and get comfy, you'll need it when I kick your ass in Mario Kart!" he giggled when Virgil shoved him playfully and flipped him the bird on his way to the bedroom. He watched Virgil go with a fond smile and giggled to himself. He was in too deep and drowning in his joy. 

Virgil shut the bedroom door and sighed. He could do this. He was going to ask Remus to be his boyfriend. It was a terrifying prospect but worth it. He could do it. He would!

Virgil steeled his nerves and stripped to his boxers. There was one thing he could do to swing the tide in his favor without making it obvious—his favorite onesie. It was still in the moving box but easy to find.

It was a black union suit with a spider web on the right leg and on the left side of his chest. It was simple and cozy, but the best part was the hood. He zipped up and flicked the hood over his head, gently patting the purple spider on top. And then he heard a knock.

"Scare Bear, you okay in there?" Remus asked before slipping into a teasing, sultry tone, "Mind if I slip into something more, hmmm, comfortable?" Virge took off his hood and snorted. 

"Yeah c'mon in, I'll finish out there!" That's when Remus burst in and laughed.

"It's all set! You were in here for a while." 

"I was?" 

"Yeah. Are you okay? I thought you were trying to find your jammies, but if something's up—" Remus asked, concern lacing his voice. Virgil shook his head.

"I didn't know how much time passed, I'm okay. I'll see you out there, Cuddlefish." Virgil said and brushed past him, playfully bumping him with his hip before leaving the room. Remus swore he was going to spontaneously combust. He didn't dare take too long.

Virgil was seated on the couch with his controller in hand when Remus emerged in his rat onesie. He casually grabbed his controller, bending over to tease, and flopped onto the couch next to Virgil. He glanced at the screen and smirked.

"You selected my Daddy for me!" he jeered, "I guess you want to lose! I'll be gentle when it's over."

"Me? Oh no, no, no. You're gonna get your ass kicked." 

"C'mon Scare Bear!" Remus laughed and selected Rainbow Road of all tracks, "You're playing as Waluigi! He's the underdog!" 

"At least he's fuckable, and I am a pro with this bastard!" Virgil shot back. 

"Oh yeah?" 

"Yeah. And I'll kick your ass." 

"Oh you wanna bet?" 

"Yeah. Winner picks his prize." 

"I hope you like rim jobs!" Remus cackled and started the race. Virgil scoffed and narrowed his eyes at the screen, he wouldn't let Remus win with such a lame prize—TGI Friday's made Virgil a fart machine! 

3

2

1

GO!

Immediately, the boys were off, hands working over the controllers like old pros. The translucent glittering track was a battleground, and Yoshi was the biggest problem.

“Not bad! Remus mused as Virgil zipped past him, “But not that good either!” he cackled, running through an item box, getting three green turtle shells circling him. Virgil growled under his breath and squared his shoulders. Oh Remus would eat his words and his dust!

Remus launched a shell at him, the warning on the screen alerting Virgil of its trajectory. With a well-timed veer to the left around the curve, it flew past him, knocking Dry Bones into a spin. Virgil laughed as he zipped past and made the first jump with ease, and in fourth place. 

“I’d say the same thing about your aim.” Virgil teased and kept to the left, hitting and item box. He got a banana peel and immediately dropped it. Remus grumbled, not to be out done yet, and not by Waluigi of all characters! He made the jump and fired his other shells. Both missing the purple trash noodle. He hit the peel and spun out of control, long enough for Mario and Toadette to pass him. 

He growled low in his throat as Virgil started his second lap. He missed the way Virgil shivered at the sound, but he had good reason to. The next item he got was BulletBill. And that got him into first place.

"Fuck!" Virgil hissed. He was not a fan of third place.

"Maybe later!" Remus cackled, "But you can enjoy the view of my turtle ass!" 

"Gross!" Virgil scoffed and got to the third lap. He was getting so close, "I'd rather look at your real ass." 

"You can ogle all you want when I'm done with you!" Remus jeered, only for his smile to fall. Virgil got a red shell. Oh no.

As if time had slowed to a molasses pace, the red projectile missed, but he didn't see the banana peel in time. He hit it and caused him to spin out of control. Waluigi passed him, and he knew it was over. 

" _ Wah hehe! _ " 

"You were sayin?" Virgil jeered as Remus followed him across the finish line. 

"I lost. Daddy Bowser lost to Waluigi of all people! I should be dead out of shame!" Remus bemoaned his fate and dramatically fell back against the couch with his wrist pressed against his forehead. 

"Yeah, he lost to the sexiest character in the game, but more importantly—"

"What!? Sexiest character!?" Remus jolted forward, horrified. Virgil smirked and shrugged.

"Yeah, did I stutter? He's got legs for days, a soft side, and feral vibes. And then there's that mustache," he mused, watching Remus turn pink, "but the important part is I won. So I get the prize." 

"And what did you win?" Remus asked curiously, scooting closer and twisting to look at Virgil. That boy's eyes were twinkling mischievously and he couldn't hide his blush. 

"Two choices," he hummed not looking at Remus, "Either you admit that Waluigi is sexier than Bowser—" he locked eyes with Remus and subconsciously licked his lips, "—or I get a kiss from my boyfriend." 

"Boyfriend?" Remus squeaked, "but—" 

"Oh no, did I forget to ask?" Virgil averted his gaze and tried not to smile too much. He failed. Remus caught that grin and recentered himself. 

"Yeah, you did!" he purred and flopped across Virgil's lap, "Wanna skip the formalities and claim your prize?" Virgil ran his fingers through Remus' hair and chuckled. 

"Yeah, you're my boyfriend and you have to admit that Waluigi is sexier than Bowser!" Virgil jeered, loving how Remus' face fell, "It's my prize, and I said there were choices, but I never said they were yours." 

"Fine!" Remus groaned, "Waluigi is sexier than Bowser, but only to Virgil who likes his men feral and mustachioed!" He grinned up at him and wiggled his eyebrows. Virgil snorted and shook his head.

"You sneaky bastard!" he laughed and kissed Remus' forehead.

"You should aim lower!" Remus giggled. Virgil kissed his cheek and chuckled at his pout. Remus sat up and straddled his hips. Virgil smirked up at him challengingly.

"You keep missing, Scare Bear!" 

"Show me where to aim, Cuddlefish," Virgil teased. Remus grabbed the back of the couch with one hand and took Virgil's chin in the other, tilting his head up. His heart was racing as he leaned in, his eyes fluttering shut with Virgil's. Their lips met in the stillness of the room, the video game forgotten. It was far too short and sweet but still wonderful.

"You," Remus breathed once they parted, "are a sneaky little shit. Two prizes!" He pressed his forehead to Virgil's and watched him fight back his giggles. 

"You want a prize to even things out?" 

"Yeah, and I have him right here!" 

"Sap!" Virgil jeered and connected their lips again. He was elated. He didn't lose his nerve and he finally got his feral best friend to be his actual boyfriend. He wasn't going to think about what would happen next until the morning.

  
  


* * *

Wanna see the onesies?  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Psst it's not over yet


	17. Baby Undead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _heads up, there's a little bit of gore mentioned and talk of murder along with some past trans fetishism_

Virgil awoke to a giant rat clinging to his side—no wait that was Remus in his onesie and he was adorable and serene. His boyfriend—his first boyfriend since his surgery—was really there and real.

"Scare Bear?" Remus yawned and nuzzled into his chest sleepily. 

"I'm right here, Bowser fucker. Can't really move like this." Virgil mused and ran his fingers through Remus' hair. 

"Good. You're my farty pillow and you're comfy." Remus giggled, happy he lost the game.

"I'm more than that, you dork!" Virgil laughed and tapped his cheek. Remus grinned and looked up at him with starry eyes.

"You're my boyfriend, my big tiddy goth boyfriend who can kick my ass and handle my feral mojo." 

"You didn't have to bring the tiddy into this." 

"It's the concept of the big tiddy goth datemate as a whole, you embody that spirit. Your tiddies are incredible but if you wanted to get rid of them, I would support you and you would still have that energy." Remus said with a yawn before resting his head on Virgil's chest again.

"Remus," Virge pouted, "it's too early to get that sappy." 

"Nah! It's just early enough to get sappy and tell you that you are one of the most important people in my life and the only person I had feelings for, for the past seven years and I would be lost without you." 

"Seven years?" Virgil squeaked, "Why didn't you say anything?" 

"You didn't seem interested and when you came out I thought you'd need a friend more than the horny guy hitting on you like a piece of ass. I was scared of scaring you away, because I have needs, like companionship." 

"You sappy bastard!" Virgil whimpered. Remus shot up and saw tears running down his boyfriend's cheeks. 

"Virgil? Scare Bear, what's wrong? Can I hug you?" Remus asked, afraid he did something wrong. Virgil nodded and let Remus pull him into his lap. 

"Thank you," Virgil chuckled weakly. 

"Of course, araña," Remus' said softly, "Can you tell me what's wrong?" 

"Nothin. It's like I'm dreaming and I don't want to wake up." Virgil said with a small laugh.

"What do you mean?" 

"I'm a trans guy, I'm just a fetish to so many people. I haven't dated anyone since before I got the surgery because of that. And he here I am with the kinkiest bastard in the world who can see past that and see me." Virgil said and buried his face in Remus' neck, "I've never been more okay since the break-up."

"So the last boyfriend you had was Seth?" Remus pouted. That was a few years ago back in college. Remus never liked the guy, but it was hard to say what the reason was until the inevitable. He would be dead if Virgil let Remus go after him.

"One-nights aside, yeah. He was a bitch." 

"I know, I offered to disembowel and quarter him on a seaside cliff where a fuck ton of seagulls go to nest for reducing your worth to what's in your pants. But no, 'that's too much, you'd go to jail!'" Remus rolled his eyes dramatically and pulled his emo closer.

"Yeah well I guess I don't like the idea of you being cuffed by anyone else." Virgil hummed and pressed a kiss to his neck. 

"You are so deadly it's hard to imagine getting protective over you. But dammit no one hurts my Baby Undead and gets away with it! Especially when finals are starting!" 

"You're as bad as E!" Virge groaned and dried his eyes, "Let me kill my own exes!" 

"No! That's too obvious!" Remus laughed, "I'm the feral bastard who can totally draw sprites in jail if they can make an arrest! The biggest problem with jail is that I wouldn't get to see you all the time!" 

"Bitch I'll be your cellmate and protect you for a price." Virgil snorted and shifted to straddle Remus and loom over him. 

"Oh god are we actually gonna go kill Seth? Because you are turning me on with that scheming right now." Remus asked with no shame whatsoever.

"We're not killin anyone, you dork. But I am gonna need some extra incentive to protect you from E and Pat when they hear the news," Virgil hummed and ran his fingers through Remus' hair.

"Extra incentive? I texted E last night and invited them over for dinner since Pattycake wasn't doing good yesterday. I should have said something sooner, huh? I was gonna ask you about it but I figured you'd be okay with it. I won't do that again." 

"Yeah, don't. Lucky clean up is just unpackin boxes and hiding them," Virgil pouted, "But you owe me double incentive." 

"We could make out a bit and I can massage your back. Unless you want the fun kind of incentive!" Remus suggested with a wink, "I'll even dress up as Waluigi for you and do whatever you want!" 

"Hm, I'll consider that offer for another time. How about for now—" Virgil purred and grabbed Remus' chin, "—you give your forgiving boyfriend a kiss while he thinks about it." Rather than give Virgil the satisfaction of having complete control, Remus dragged him down by the shoulders and planted a hot one on him.

"I'll give you as many kisses as you want!" Remus said when they parted, "Anything for the hurricane of a man who could want to be boyfriends with a feral trash gremlin with twisted thoughts, kinks for days, and mental health issues." 

"Not just any trash gremlin," Virgil smirked, "just you and Needle Tweedle." 

"Shh I have to get through Gilbert and the Gray before Needle Tweedle 3." 

"You and me and Andy and Phil," Virgil agreed, "but until then—" Virgil swooped down and captured his lips again, as if nothing else in the world mattered.

* * *

Patton sat on the couch with Ethel on the ground in front of him. He was humming a happy tune while he brushed his partner's hair. It was incredibly soothing for both of them, especially after the text E got the night before. The second text. 

"We gotta kill him." E said out of the blue.

"Honey Dee, we were supportive when he wanted to ask Virgil out, why would we kill him?" 

"Cuz I thought V would say 'no.' You know how careful he is!" Ethel grumbled, "I like the stache trash enough, but Virgil's fragile." 

"Sweetpea, last month he nearly took out an eye while you two scuffled. He was the only one who didn't cry during  _ Titanic _ . You're not giving Virge enough credit." 

"Maybe so, but you'd beat the shit outta Remus too if he gets out of line!" 

"He's not out of line yet." Patton paused, letting the gorgeous dark hair fall from his hand. 

"You remember what Nonna always said to me, god rest her soul." E droned and leaned back to look up at him.

"Yeah, V has a big sensitive heart hidden under that tough act." Patton said and set the brush aside, "But E, Remus passed all your tests already." 

"Oh no, there's one more. We'll see what happens over dinner." They smirked knowingly and winked. Someone had a plan.


	18. Famiglia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **There is a long flashback in this chapter and I chose to use deadnames and old pronouns because that is how they identified at the time, and since it's a flashback, an omniscient thing, I don't intend to disregard that the past happened or cancel their identities then for the sake of the story now. Just a heads up.**
> 
> <strike>also if they seem like hella stereotypical i am basing a lot of stuff off my own family dynamic so im havin fun</strike>

The apartment was full of the most delicious aroma, and that made it hard for Virgil to focus on his work, even with his headphones at full blast. All the unpacking was finished, all the boxes were hidden, and everything was spotless, save for the kitchen where Remus was cooking and doing his best to keep the counters clean, singing Shakira. 

“Babe, your voice is incredible,” Virgil called from the couch, “But can you tone it down while I compose? The last thing I need is a lawsuit for accidentally mixing in ‘Loca’ to the Pastry Smash theme!” Remus pouted and glanced over, unsure why his boyfriend was yelling until he spotted the headphones.

“Aw, but Scare Bear!” Remus whined loudly, “You said the same thing about J Balvin!”

“Five minutes and I’ll stop for the day, alright?! Then you can sing whatever you want from Chocquibtown to La Provincia!” Virgil shouted, unaware of the volume of his voice. He peeked over the couch and caught Remus grinning with starry eyes. It wasn’t that impressive that Virgil knew a bunch of Colombian artists, he was a musician with taste! But that face was so precious, Virgil couldn’t fight it.

“You win,” Virgil sighed dramatically and saved his work. He took off his headphones and got up to move his computer out of sight. That gave Remus the option to pull out his phone and blast some Gipsy Kings. It was time to be ridiculous and show off the one thing he could do better than Roman. Something his father would have been proud to see. 

Virgil came back into the main area a little confused by the music choice. Flamenco was Spanish not Colombian, even he knew that. But he was more than okay with the change in tone when he saw Remus dancing. He was so focused on the rhythm and his sharp but swift movements more so than the emo watching him with a soft smile. He was stomping his feet with such precision and Virgil swore he would be rattling castanets like wild if he could. It was not the flamboyant trash boy he was used to and that was not a problem.

"Havin fun?" Virgil asked, causing Remus to whip around and grin. He paused his music and leaned his back against the counter, brushing his hair back with one hand like some kind of model.

"Yeah! I gotta be ready for Papi's side of the family! A few of them are flying over just to watch two jerks kiss and dance!" 

"And they expect you to dance like that?" Virgil snickered, "Way to steal the show!" 

"I'm already gonna do that! Just look at my date!" Remus jeered, "With that last name and those eyebrows, they'll love you even if they get mouthy when they're drunk!" 

"That's real comfortin," Virgil pouted, "Let me worry about Pat and his rat for a while, eh?" 

"I'll fill you in on the details later, or you could just fill me instead!" Remus hummed and shimmied for good measure. Virgil snorted and shook his head. 

"We'll see how much E pisses me off. If you get lucky I'll be furious." He didn't miss the light blush on his boyfriend's face and took note of it. 

"Should I piss you off more to get my just desserts?" Remus cooed. Virgil crossed his arms and shook his head.

"The way you piss me off is different. They make me wanna commit a felony. And with the news they got, they'll be insufferable."

"How so?" 

"We made a deal an' 'ey got a nasty surprise when 'ey started datin Pat." 

"The accent is coming out, holy shit gimme the details! I have time!" Remus gawked. Virgil sighed and rolled his shoulders. This was the closest thing to a warning he could get. 

“Alright, alright. Story time!”

* * *

Vi was not happy about this at all, but here she was, sitting in her cousin’s apartment waiting for his new boyfriend to show for a “family” dinner. She curled into her hoodie like a ball of rage and glared at the bastard idly cooking with his hair tied in a short ponytail and humming some long forgotten song, unaware that she had a trick up her sleeve.

“Keep glarin, that’ll make me cancel five minutes before he shows!” 

“If he even thinks about hurtin you I will kick his ass.” 

“Doll, if you lay a finger on him I will kick your ass. Good thing you’re non-binary so Nonna won’t flip.”

“She’d flip regardless. ‘Dante why you gotta fight with-a Violetta!? Why you gotta break a old lady’s heart?!’” she jeered, doing her best impression of their grandmother. It got a snort from Dante.

“She almost got us confused last time we went over. Next time imma wear a dress, see what happens.” Danted jeered and grabbed a pair of tongs, “And I’ll wear the dress to my wedding.”

“If Patton makes it through tonight.”

“I swear to god, if you even think about hurtin him I will tchrow you outta winna!”

“Throw me out the winda? Good luck widdat, Dee-Dee.” Vi scoffed as he carefully pulled the pasta from the pot. Dee was about to retort when the doorbell rang. He shot Vi a dark look and tilted his head towards the door. She made a show of begrudgingly sacrificing her chair and stalked to greet the other guest. 

When she saw a young man with tight braids, a bright smile, and a lack of a binder, Vi had to assume Dee was seeing a transman since no one ever stopped by. So she had two people she had to defend now, and she hadn’t said one word to this guy! 

“Hi, I’m Patton, I’m looking for Dante Dioli, is this the right address?” he asked nervously. Vi nodded solemnly and stared him down.

“You hurt him and I will peel off your skin, scoop out your eyes and make you drink the mess after I blend it together, got it.” Vi snarled and raised an eyebrow. Patton had the gaul to giggle and shake his head.

“I’m so silly, you must be Vi! Dee told me you were close!” Patton chuckled, “It’s nice to finally meet you!” He extended his hand, his smile never faltering, though it was somewhat strained. Vi shook it and let him inside.

“Well if it isn’t the only one sweeter than dessert!” Dee greeted as he stepped out of the kitchen, “I hope Segreti didn’t start off threatenin murder.” Patton beamed and laughed, waving him off as if it were an inside joke. Vi shrank back and shut the door to watch how the pair interacted. 

“No, no, just a lil bit of agonizing bodily harm! It’s so sweet that you have family who’ll protect you no matter what, Eth—” Patton rambled nervously, feeling Vi’s eyes on the back of his neck. And then he caught himself right as Dee’s smile fell.

“What was that?” Vi questioned. 

“Lay the fuck off, Segreti. There was somethin I wanted to bring up after you were too stuffed to strangle me,” Dee snapped and sighed, “My name is Ethel, I’m a woman.”

“Well now I can’t, you know how society is. Nonna would kill me,” Vi huffed, “but you didn’t tell me sooner because—?”

“Because she didn’t want to overwhelm you with all the stuff you have going on,” Patton peeped, “And she was scared, even if she knows you better than that.” 

“It’s rude to speak over a lady.”

“Vi just shaddap! Pull that stick out ya ass, wash up, and play nice with the one person I trust almost as much as you.” Ethel snapped. Vi sighed and relaxed her shoulders. The final test would settle everything. 

“E, if you want to finish up in there, I wanna talk to Vi one on one,” Patton suggested sweetly and looked to Vi, trying to convey that he wanted to ease the tension. Vi nodded and Ethel went back to finish cooking.

“Before you say anything, I know you don’t like me for a lot of reasons, but I’m willing to work with you because I really love them and I would do anything for them.”

“I don’t dislike you, but I don’t trust you. Fair?”

“Yeah, I get that, and I get that you want to protect them. But E told me a lot about you, and I want to get to know someone so important to them. Do you think we could try to get along?” Patton responded genuinely with a soft smile. Vi couldn’t help but relax a bit. She could try.

* * *

“So you threatened him in the sexiest way possible and then made him feel like he was under surveillance?” Remus gawked, “And the final test, did he pass it?”

“With flying colors. It was kinda disturbing,” Virgil shrugged, “But we got past the first impressions and now we’re best friends. And I mellowed out some and apologized a lot.” 

“Damn, if E makes any threats like that toward me, you might need to look for a new boyfriend, that is hot!” Remus laughed. Virgil flicked his nose and shook his head.

“They can make threats, but I’m the one who follows through.”

“Take me on this counter right now!” Remus demanded and pulled Virgil in for a needy kiss. Virgil broke away and shook his head.

“Wait until after dinner.” he teased, “I’ll make it worth your while.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _worst chapter yet? maybe but there's more to come so we'll see what happens. It reads like one of my orphaned hetalia fics fuck oh well_


	19. The Test and a Grandma Complex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _sure let's just add an inside joke or three see how it goes_

Ethel and Patton arrived on time, just before everything was ready. Virgil was surprised to see that Patton was showing, mainly because he didn't notice the day before. But what surprised him more was the fact that E was in jeans and an old tee. They weren't wearing any make up and frankly it was unsettling, like deja vu. 

"So this is your new place!" Patton said when he came inside, "It's really nice!" Virgil rubbed his neck awkwardly and shrugged while Remus finished making dinner.

"It's not bad, I can have my space here and the couch is comfy." 

"He makes you sleep on the couch?!" E scoffed and shook their head. Patton wilted and smiled apologetically at Virgil, who was scowling. 

"No, but I like to sit down like a human being," he hissed, "Some of us prefer not to sit on poles, they get stuck." That got a snicker out of Patton. Ethel sneered. 

"C'mon you know Remus," Virgil groaned, "He's not Seth. What gives?" 

"Well," Patton hummed, "I'm not an expert but I think it might be because you're officially dating. Protective instincts kinda kicked in." 

"You got it?" Virgil asked, referring to the final test. Ethel pulled a fresh tomato from the bag on their back and waved it patronizingly. 

"Hey guys!" Remus called, "Dinner is ready!" Ethel held onto the fruit and let Virge lead them to the kitchenette where a dining table was all set with name cards and four full plates. It was topped off with an excited Remus bouncing on his heels near the counter. 

"It smells amazing Remus!" Patton complimented and sat in his assigned seat—the best one to get in and out of for the bathroom. Ethel was kind enough to push him in before taking their seat next to him. Virgil waited for Remus to sit, knowing what was coming. Remus was just happy to be off his feet.

"Ooh are those plantains?" Patton asked and eyed the plate, licking his lips, "I've been craving them all day! And the egg and rice and pork and—ooh I can't wait!" 

"You should, doll. I have a task for Remus first," Ethel said and held up the tomato, "If you wanna date my cousin, you have to eat this like an apple, the whole thing." Remus took the fruit and laughed.

"This is the final test? I thought I would have to sequence some DNA while reciting Scare Bear's will!" Before anyone could complain, he took a bite out of the tomato and chewed thoughtfully.

"Pat, you can start eatin, We got plenty more beans," Virgil said as he watched Remus go to town on the tomato. Patton didn't need to be told twice!

"So why this?" Remus asked between mouthfuls, the juice running down his chin.

"Somethin stupid. A little closure. It's a mental thing. My idea." Virgil explained, "Some kinda last step so we don't lose our shit because we're both batshit." Remus nodded in understanding and popped the last bit in his mouth, holding up his hand and wiggling his fingers to show he was done.

"Alright so now that I proved I am worthy enough as a nightshade slayer to be granted approval to date my Scare Bear, let's eat!" 

"It's so good!" Patton whined with tears in his eyes, "Remus how did you do it?" He was enjoying the meal a lot.

"It's abuelita's recipe!" Remus beamed, "She taught me and Roman when we were kids! Of course you would think I would never want to eat bandeja paisa again with the way she overfed us." 

"Ain't that familiar," E snickered. 

"Nonna," Virgil mused between bites. 

"Your grandma overfed you too?" Remus questioned, intrigued. Patton was curious too, but just a little bit preoccupied with eating and crying tears of joy. 

"Oh yeah! Little old Italian ladies tend to do that. Add the grandma complex and you are screwed!" E jeered and ate a little bit of the rice, "It's what my co-workers call Mediterranean/Latino solidarity."

"Grandmothers who feed you til you burst?" Remus asked. 

"Yeah, you might think your grandma stuffed you as a kid, like Babydoll over here, but it goes beyond that." 

"E tried to prove to me that it was worse!" Patton giggled, "and my lord were they right. I had more than enough food to feed a football team!" 

"It was scary how much they sounded like her," Virgil added with his mouth full. 

"Wow, so where are these co-workers from?" 

"Lemme think, Algeria, Cuba, Argentina, Southern France, and Ecuador. It's a fun little international firm." Ethel mused. 

"Mediterranean/Latino solidarity: the firm. I know where to go to get my name changed!" Remus sang.

"To what?" Patton peeped, out of food and happy to chat. 

"Remus Mendoza Castille de Segreti!" he cheered and laughed at the matching looks E and V shared. 

"We just started datin!" Virgil yelped.

"Yeah, I never said  _ when _ it would happen! Let a man dream about being with one of the most wonderful people in the world until we prune and die!" 

"That is so sweet!" Patton swooned, "A little dark, but sweet!" 

"You want any more of anything? I can fry another egg real quick." Remus offered noting that Patton had finished.

"Yes please! Thank you!" Patton grinned handing over his plate. Papa Bear gotta eat! Remus took it with a grin and got up to refill it. 

"I didn't expect him to be so polite!" Patton giggled. 

"He has manners and he thinks E is gonna kill him," Virgil shrugged and watched Remus wiggling while he got caught up in his own world. 

"I'm not gonna kill 'im," E grumbled, "He ate the damn tomato and we made a deal. Seth is still on the hit list, but you didn't stare at his ass with the most wistful look." 

"Shaddap!" Virgil huffed and averted his gaze. His face heated up at E's snickering and Patton's cooing. Remus came back grinning with Patton's plate. He set it down and took his seat, arching to draw attention to his butt. 

"Finish dinner before eyeing up your dessert, Scare Bear!" Remus jeered. Virgil groaned and hid his head in his hands. Patton giggled and tried to save him from embarrassment.

"Thank you Remus! I had no idea you could cook so well!" 

"Well shucks! I try! You want to take some home with you? I kinda pulled an abuelita." 

"That would be great! Thank you!" Patton said, "And if you add some extra plantains, I'll be sure to keep E from murdering you." 

"Virgil is the murderin bastard!" E snapped.

"He did kick my ass in a fuckton of games and he's dead sexy," Remus mused, "And he'll kill me tonight if I don't shut up about how much I adore him but I'm a masochist!" Virgil snarled under his breath. At least the evening was going far better than he anticipated! 


	20. Gray Matters

Remus woke up with the sunrise, sore but happy. He didn't mind the ache or the hickies littering his neck, not when his boyfriend was sleeping soundly next to him. Virgil was so handsome when he was completely relaxed, it was hard to believe that this man was his. 

Remus hated having to leave the warmth of his bed, but he needed to get some work done. His next game wouldn't make itself, and he did have a deadline for the sprites. So it was a shower, some leftovers, and then side quest characters for Gilbert and the Gray. 

Virgil woke up three hours later, still tired from an adventurous night. He was a little disheartened to find the other side of the bed empty but it wasn't a huge bother. He could smell the remnants of Remus' breakfast and decided it was time to get showered and fed. 

After a quick but effective rinse, Virgil emerged into the living area to find Remus at the kitchen table with his computer and tablet out. 

"Gilbert and the Gray?" Virgil asked with a yawn as he grabbed a bagel. 

"You know it! I have the main gameplay art all set up and animated for the demo and now I'm just working on the boss for the first chapter!" 

"Damn," Virgil gawked, "Three months and you're almost done with the first chapter as the only artist? How?" 

"The single life, caffeine, and maybe a little mania. But I'm okay now! You should see this boss!" Remus sang and turned the screen so Virgil could see.

"Huh," Virge said through a mouthful of bagel, "I'd give this one an early 2000s rock type theme." He was in all honesty far too impressed with the artwork to form a coherent sentence. The character was tall and lean, as far as the long violet cloak could reveal. Their face was completely shrouded except for their glowing amethyst eyes—literal amethysts, not some kind of lame literary device used in fanfiction that many an author uses or had used. 

"This is the first of eight, Violetta—"Virgil glared at him, "—Hey, I didn't come up with the name, blame the author who granted us permission! We have Scarlett, Sienna, Fabian, Sage, Skye, Celeste, and Rosario too." 

"So, what's the plot?" Virgil asked skeptically. Remus beamed at him and pushed out a chair so he could sit and listen.

[The plot of "Gilbert and the Gray" is not going to be revealed because I am currently working on a story about it separately from fan work, sorry about that]

"Damn," Virgil mumbled into his hand, his bagel forgotten. How could he eat when his boyfriend was so excited and animated about his work? The way his whole face lit up and his wide gestures were as adorable as his smile.

"I know! The best part is that all these bosses are super sexy in unconventional ways and it distracts people from the fight and makes them a little extra nervous, but not Gilly, because he's a gray ace!" Remus cheered. 

"Oh so these bosses aren't actually skilled, they're just seductive?" Virgil jeered. 

"Nah they have skills! It's just that odd appeal that throws people for a loop! Like Scarlett is hella sexy with their tentacles and Sienna has this demon look about them!" 

"So all the heroes in this world're monster fuckers?" 

"Just the ones who live!" Remus giggled, "It's harder to get through these guys than getting some kids to keep their hands off smut fics!" 

"Well that's nearly impossible. You know how puberty is," Virgil mused, "Is there anything harder than these bosses?" 

"Surviving a family reunion where everyone compares you to your twin brother because he's the star," Remus responded with too much pep in his voice. Virgil pouted and set his half-eaten bagel on the table. 

"Pup, are you okay? Like with the wedding shit coming up?" Virgil asked and took Remus' hand. Remus flipped his hand to interlace their fingers and sighed. 

"No. I don't want to go, but I agreed to be the best man and I am not about to back out of it." 

"Well you don't have to go to the reception if you don't want to. If you need an emergency I can fake a panic attack." he offered gently. The angsty forehead crease was not at all a good look on him.

"That's tempting, Tarantula," Remus chuckled and squeezed his hand, "but I have to go to that too and give a speech that I haven't written yet." Virgil frowned and stood up, not letting go of his hand. He was not about to let his Cuddlefish get all depressed and mopey without a fight.

"Bedroom, now." he ordered in  _ that _ voice. How could Remus not get up and follow him?

Of course he was happily disappointed when Virgil pulled him onto the bed. There was nothing quite like cuddling and nuzzling his head into Virgil's chest to hear his heart beating. 

"You wanna talk about it or just relax for a while?" 

"What's there to say? Roman was the star growing up. We didn't always get along but I was lucky enough to see his breakdowns. Mamá would go on and on about her brilliant little boy who was so charming and an actor. He could do no wrong and he was always the favorite and I was the lazy crazy son, the other one, the failure—at least on her side." 

"What about your abuelita?" Virgil pressed gently and brought Remus' knuckles to his lips, "She taught you how to cook."

"Heh, I miss her. She knew I had some mental thing before my diagnosis, and she always said I was cursed to live in a dream. She was so sweet unless you pissed her off. I never got the chancla from her unless I went way out of line. Swearing, some dark ideas, talking about butts—I was safe with her. But she still had a lot of praise for Roman. Everyone wanted me to be more like him." Remus sniffled and his voice was wet.

"Baby, if you ever try to do that with me I'm kickin your ass and dumpin you," Virgil huffed and pressed his lips to his pulse, "And I'm tellin your Papi you tried that shit!" 

"Papi liked Roman more too, but he didn't brag as much. He found things to be proud of me for and he tries. I haven't seen him since he had to go back to Seville to take care of his father. I couldn't make it to the funeral, but I didn't know the guy, but Roman made it because of his stupid semester abroad so he's still the better twin." 

"The next time you start sayin Roman is the better twin, I’m gonna punch you in the mouth,” Virgil warned. Remus pouted up at him and batted his eyelashes.

“But he is! He’s the good twin that they wa---” Remus tried to argue, only to have one frustrated BTG boyfriend swoop in and shut him up with a kiss. Remus could melt into that kiss so easily, but Virgil just had to pull away.

“With my own mouth, softly, because I love you and know you’re the better twin, at least for me,” Virgil said with a smirk. Remus blinked twice and grinned.

“You are too much, Scare Bear!” he laughed, “But you’re right! Who cares if they like him more, I’m going to that wedding with a total babe who can kick my ass and keep me from losing my mind and killing everyone or spiking the punch with his infuriatingly adorable grin!”

“There’s the trash panda I know and love!” Virgil jeered.

“But Roman is still the better twin!” Remus added with an eyebrow wiggle and a twitch of his mustache.

“You little shit,” Virgil huffed playfully and kissed him again. Everything was going to be fine.


	21. Imperfect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _We interrupt this program to bring you RoSleep content_

"No! No! No!" Roman growled and threw his pencil across the room. He should have saved his sketch for the next day when he was at the studio, but he needed to finish this dress for his client before he could adjust his summer line and he was running late with that! 

"Babe?" Remy called and knocked on the door before going in the spare bedroom. He had two mugs of black magic in one hand and he might have dropped them if he weren't used to this kind of thing.

"It's time for a coffee break, babe," Remy cooed at his fiance, who was limp over the back of his chair with a clenched jaw. The idea of a break only made him more tense. 

"I have to get this train right!" Roman groaned, "I don't have time for a break!" Remy moseyed over and took a peek at the sketch. As far as he could tell, it was perfect, aside from the eraser marks. The dress was slim and elegant, with long lacy sleeves and a heart neckline. The train started at the shoulders like a cape with a few colorful flowers to match the design on the bodice. A fairytale princess could never wish for something so perfect.

"Yeah you do. Unless you want to break your jaw with the way you're clenching. C'mon, I added your hazelnut creamer and everything!" Remy tried to entice him.

"But I have to finish! And the train—"

"Has left the station, boo. The next one arrives in 30. You can spare some time to have a coffee with the hottie offering." 

"Remy, this is serious!" Roman groaned, "This dress has to be perfect!"

"Hun, it already is. Couch. Now."

"But Remy—!" Roman groaned and threw his hands up out of exasperation. Remy put his free hand on his hip and popped it as if he were about to commit a verbal murder.

"Um, excuse me? Did you hear me say you had a choice, boo boo? No. Now you can either get that perky ass to the couch or I'll call a Lyft and hang out with some friends downtown all night." Remy huffed and left the room. 

Roman knew Remy was serious. Remy knew that Roman would miss him and want cuddles. It was not a fair bargaining chip, but at least he only used it in dire situations. Apparently this was a dire situation. With that in mind, Roman got up and went to join his fiance on the couch. 

"I'll take a damn break," Roman huffed and plopped down next to Remy, who reached for his coffee on the table in front of him. 

"Huffy!" he noted and drank half his mug, "Babe, that dress looks fab, the best you ever designed, you don't have to add more to it." 

"But it's for a high-paying client! The heiress to the Rhys vegan leather company! It has to be perfect! And it's not!"

"Perfect? You and I both know that is just not happening. Her dress won't be perf, our wedding won't be perf, and that cowlick will never be perf." 

"But our wedding will be perfect! Look at who I'm marrying!" 

"A thot with a caffeine addiction and a dramatic personality. I'm not perfect, just the best thing that happened to you, Princey." Remy mused smugly and winked, "And you won't do any better than me." 

"There's that confidence I adore," Roman said sadly, "And you can find someone better."

"Boo, I don't want anyone else. I proposed to you. I've never seen you so bent out of shape. What's wrong?" Remy asked, downing the rest of his coffee and set the mug aside. He pulled his darling prince close and held him in a warm embrace. 

"My family is coming in soon and I have to live up to their expectations. Half of them are silently judging me for finding a man already." 

"Gurl I will fight anyone who wants to make you feel like shit for wanting this ass." 

"No, no, there's no need for that. I just don't want to let everyone down by being myself. I almost wish I were Remus. He never had to live up to those expectations." Roman sighed and brought his knees to his chest. 

"You were the golden boy, huh? Well take it from me, hun, it's no fun living in someone's shadow. Anton is the family favorite and I was a problem child. I get that there's something about the pressure, but don't think it's easy to be on the other side." 

"It's not. Growing up took a toll on both of us," Roman ceded, "And Remus and I." He curled into Remy's side and pouted. 

"Yeah, but Remus isn't letting his rebel out at his work or using his job to prove himself, babes."

"Comparing us won't make things better," Roman grumbled and hid his face in Remy's shoulder.

"Yeah it'll make you all competitive, like 'Boo I am working through my trauma better than you now!'" Remy teased. Roman mumbled something incoherent. 

"Come again?" Remy asked, getting Roman to lift his head.

"Do you really think it looks good enough?" he asked with the most innocent, trusting gaze that left Remy nearly speechless every time.

"Hun, if she doesn't love it more than I love my Mocha Oreo Soy Latte, she's just batshit cray!" Remy laughed, "Better than just 'good enough' like my fiance." That brought a warm smile to Roman's face and princely lips to Remy's cheek.

"I'll trace the sketch and color it. And we'll see what happens." 

"The worst that could really happen is she wants a few adjustments. But first, coffee!" Remy hummed in agreement and pressed a kiss to his hair, right on the cowlick. 

  
  
  



	22. Plotting Regicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I am very white. If my portrayal of any of the characters is offensive, **Please tell me** so I can fix the mistakes.

Remus was far too happy, and that meant something would go wrong, at least in his mind. He doubted it would be something to do with Virgil, that was definitely not going to be the cause of pain. 

"¡¿Qué?!1" Remus snapped into the phone. Roman was on the other end delivering bad and worse news. Luckily Virgil couldn't hear the conversation—he was going to shit a brick. 

"¿Cuándo va llegar?"2

"¿¡Mañana!? ¡Román te voy a matar!3

"...bueno. hasta sábado, cabrón.4" Remus sighed and hung up. Roman was dead meat if Remus could make it through the next ten minutes. He got up from the kitchen table and wandered toward the bedroom where Virgil was busy on the phone with a client. At least he was when Remus saw him an hour ago. 

He knocked on the door once with no response. He entered to find Virgil sitting on the bed with his phone to his ear. His usual work notebook was closed and he had a crooked smile on his face. 

"Vaffanculo!" he chuckled and paused, "Ciao Bella.5" He hung up and got one look at Remus' miserable expression and pouted. 

"That was E. They wanted me to make some cannoi for Pat, as a surprise. I swear I wasn't talking shit." 

"I didn't think you were, Scare Bear. I kinda just got off the phone with Roman." 

"Don't tell me, four days away and he's got cold feet?" Virgil asked and pat the bed next to him. Remus sat down and eyed him nervously, which was a red flag. 

"Mamá and Tía Sera are flying in tomorrow. Roman only has room for one. He said we had room for Tía. Anton already knows and is sending some guys with a bedframe and a mattress to make it look like we have our shit together." 

"Askin and a little notice woulda been nice." Virgil grumbled, "But it's only for a few days, right?" 

"Yeah. So we need to get some sheets, red wine, a set of wine glasses, and a butt ton of saint stuff. She's very Catholic and very traditional." 

"You mean—?" 

"She's big on gender conformity and silent judgement and gossip." Remus whimpered, "I'm so sorry Scare Bear!"

"Okay, so I either bind or suffer bein misgendered or I claim I got gynecomastia. Bad gynecomastia." Virgil said and grabbed Remus' hand. The poor thing was close to tears. 

"It's gonna be alright, Octopuppy. I'm not mad at you and we'll get through this. I'm a tough guy. I'm not gonna let anyone hurt me and I'll fight a bitch for you." 

"Scare Bear?" 

"What is it, babe?" 

"Thank you," Remus said wetly and pulled Virgil to his chest, "You're so strong and smart and sexy and beautiful and caring!" He pressed a kiss to Virgil's head and dried his eyes. 

"Shaddap, you're gonna wanna thank E—they kept Nonna's religious stuff and her wine glasses. We'll get through this and afterward, I might be willin to do whatever you want with me." 

"Including cuddles and videogames and learning some Italian to seduce you?" 

"Sí, chiaramente, Cucciolo. Qualcosa che vuoi.6" Virgil purred and ran his fingers up Remus' back.

"I am thoroughly seduced!" Remus giggled. Virgil rolled his eyes fondly and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

* * *

Remus had left while Virgil made cannoli for Patton. He assured Remus that when he got back in three hours the place would be spotless. And it was by the time Ethel arrived with a box of old stuff and command strips. 

"Took your sweet time I see." Virgil greeted them at the door. Ethel rolled their eyes and shoved the box into his hands.

"I have an office job and some bitchass clients my lunch hour is not really enough." they huffed and crossed their arms. The pencil skirt and blazer should have given that much away. They stepped inside past Virgil and sat on the couch, taking their heels off. 

"Remember to put Cece somewhere nice.  _ La statua doveva stare a Nonna _7 ." they grunted, switching to Italian, for practice.

"You could help. Get Pat his treat faster and make sure your clumsy bitchass cousin doesn't break anything." Virgil countered and set the box on the coffee table, "You took a half day today." 

Ethel pouted and got up. They could smell the oil in the air mixed with the vinegar water and lemon on the stove used to eliminate and cover it. Virgil was working hard for them. It was only fair. 

They emptied the box and setup in no time. They hid the box in the bedroom closet and agreed to retire to the kitchen for coffee. 

" _ So Patton is craving them badly? _ " Virgil asked in Italian as he set a pot of water on the stove. Ethel relaxed in their chair and shrugged. 

" _ My husband is pregnant and it's taking its toll. I wanted to give him something to make him happy. _ "

" _ You are so good to him, _ " Virgil mused and pulled out two mugs and the sugar bowl, " _ You take cream with that? _ "

" _ Is it real milk? _ "

" _ Yeah. _ "

" _ Yeah I take cream, thanks. _ " Ethel hummed, " _ So this woman, Serafina, are you sure you're okay with her being here? My couch is still open. _ " 

" _ I'll be fine. Not that I don't appreciate the offer, _ " Virgil shrugged and poured two cups of coffee. He brought them over with the sugar bowl and set them down. 

" _ I don't care what time it is, if you decide you had enough, you can come over. You still have your key. _ "

"Ethel Isabella Dioli," Virgil huffed and got the half-and-half from the fridge, " _ I am not leaving Remus alone with her if I can help it. I'll keep your offer in mind, but I am not changing my mind on this. _ " Ethel prepared their coffee in silence, as did Virgil, and took a sip. 

" _ What are you cooking for your late lunch? _ " Ethel asked, " _ Knowing who taught you, it'll be good. _ " 

" _ Bella, bragging right now? You really are the same person I knew growing up, _ " Virgil snickered, " _ It's just some angel hair and scampi. I'm taking every shortcut. _ " 

" _ Scampi? You're trying to impress! And in the sneakiest possible way! _ " Ethel teased and sipped their coffee, ignoring the sound of a door opening.

" _ Oh I'm the sneaky one? I'm not plotting to surprise my husband! _ " Virgil laughed and drank his coffee. It was then that 

"Virgil! We're back!" Remus called in his most sing-song voice. He could see the duo in the kitchen as could the sixty-something woman next to him. She was not happy to see him sitting and chatting with a beautiful "lady." 

"Welcome home, puppy," Virgil said with a soft smile, "You're back early." 

"Traffic was okay for once. I didn't realize you had company still." 

"Bella was runnin late," Virgil shrugged, watching E chug their coffee to make a quick exit, "She'll be on her way soon." Virgil got up and went to the fridge before Remus could murder him with his eyes. 

"Yeah, sorry for intruding—oh, and hello, you must be Remus' aunt, Serafina," Ethel said with a sweet smile, "I'm Virgil's cousin, Isabella. I hope I didn't give the wrong impression!" 

The old woman next to Remus relaxed and offered a gentle smile. Ethel got up and adjusted their skirt as Virge handed them a pastry box. 

"Thanks, hun!" E hummed, "He's gonna love 'em." With little warning, they leaned over and kissed his cheeks. That might have been a standard greeting, but it was a sneaky way to give him permission to use feminine pronouns and treat them like a lady. 

"Puppy, Imma show Bella out. Why don't youse guys get settled in before introductions?" Virgil suggested, taking E by the elbow to act as a guide. Remus moved around his aunt with her suitcase in town and made a beeline for the spare room.

Ethel smirked and let Virge lead them toward the door, only to free their arm and lean down to kiss Sera's cheeks and say: 

"It was lovely to meet you! I expect I'll see you again at the weddin, Señora. Ciao!" 

"Ciao," she replied and patted their shoulder before they left with Virgil to guide them down to the front door. 

"'Lovely?' Virgil scoffed playfully once they reached the door.

"Ass kissing is my specialty. Excuse me for trying to amp up your gentlemanly factor by playing the part." 

"What part?" 

"The part of the sweet broad who needs a strong man to protect her—that bullshit stereotype." 

"Get outta here! You are such a goddamn snake!" 

"Donchu fuggedit!" E jeered and left the building. That meant Virgil would have to go back and face the guest he wasn't prepared for. He would do it for Remus. And he would end Roman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Translations: **
> 
>   1. What!?
>   2. When is [she] arriving?
>   3. Tomorrow!? Roman I will murder you!
>   4. ... okay... until Saturday, bastard
>   5. Fuck you....bye Bella
>   6. Yes, naturally, Puppy. Anything that you want 
>   7. The statue belonged to Gramdma


	23. The Trouble with Tía

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warning: There's a lot of misgendering in this chapter.**

"Virgil!" Remus cheered the second walked into the apartment. He was a little surprised to have Remus leap into his arms and smooch his cheek, but it was a good kind of surprise. Until he noticed the little old lady watching with a confused but welcoming smile. 

"Pup," Virge winced as Remus kissed his cheek again, "Puppy, introductions." He really didn't want to meet this woman yet, or at all really, but he couldn't run. He could, however take a page from E's book and schmooze.

Remus sheepishly let Virgil set him on his feet and took a deep breath. He could do this, he could keep it together. He had to, so with a fair amount of flourish he gestured to his boyfriend. 

"Tía Sera, él es Virgil Segreti, mi novio hermoso," Remus said proudly, causing a blush to blossom on Virgil's cheeks. He then gestured to his aunt with just a touch less flourish and said,

"Virgil, this is my aunt, Serafina Castille Ramirez de Vargas." This short old woman with dark graying hair was just not nearly as terrifying as Remus implied with her floral-print pants and stout stature. Virgil didn't doubt Remus but he had to pretend for a little while. Virge brushed past Remus and extended his hand.

"Encantado," he said when she took his hand. He almost wanted to kick himself over the pronunciation until a bright smile crossed her face.

"Igualmente. You don't speak Spanish, do you?" she chuckled.

"Not well," Virgil admitted sheepishly and rubbed his neck.

"Thank you for trying but for the time being let's stick with English." 

"Thank you. Has Remus shown you to your room to get settled in? I would like to help but I have to make lunch. Do you have any food allergies?" Virgil asked, thinking about the amount of shellfish he was using to kiss some serious ass. 

"I don't have any food problems, thanks for asking. And Remus did show me the room. I wanted to meet you before unpacking." she responded brightly and peeked around him to mouth to Remus, "He cooks!" She was pleased. 

"You go do what you have to. I'll go unpack and check my email." Tía Sera hummed before waltzing away. 

"E taught you well!" Remus giggled once she was out of earshot and wrapped his arms around Virgil's waist.

"Mm E is the master." 

"They're not my master!" Remus purred and kissed Virgil's neck, making him shiver. 

"Yeah, I know. I am. And unless you want me to get mad you better stop teasing me, pup." Virgil jeered and leaned into the touch. 

"You know that's half the fun!"

"I have to cook. You can stir up some silent trouble later tonight," Virgil said as he escaped his lover's grasp and moseyed to the kitchen, throwing a wink over his shoulder. Remus was going to be sure to remain silent all night long.

* * *

Tía Sera adored lunch and dinner, fawning over how lucky Remus was to have found such a handsome man who was polite and a good cook. Of course it was hard to ignore the way she said "handsome man" with the tiniest bit of disappointment. But that was expected. Virgil learned very quickly that she was indeed religious, lonely, thirsty, and a lightweight. Remus was tense but in good spirits. Things were going well.

Until the next morning. Virgil woke up first and hit the shower. He had to pick up his tux from Patton, meet up with his latest client to review the pieces he sent them, harass Remy, and administer his shot of T, and get through the rehearsal dinner. It was just going to be a busy day and he didn't have the capacity to think. 

Without any concern he wrapped a towel around his waist and went back to the shared bedroom with his hair in his eyes. It was early enough for everyone to still be asleep. Or so he thought. 

Serafina left her door open a crack for airflow, and she woke up when the shower was running. She just so happened to peek into the hall when Virgil was going to his room. And the confusion that crossed her face for a split second melted into one of pure joy. Virgil had a pair of knockers and that could only mean one thing!

* * *

When Remus woke up, Virgil was gone, as expected. He decided to shower and get some breakfast. But once he made his way to the front area, he could tell something was off. 

He could smell eggs and sausage and coffee. So she was awake and in a good mood. That made his stomach churn.

" _ Good morning Remus! Come sit! _ " Serafina greeted in Spanish. Remus put on his best smile and made his way to the table. 

" _ Good morning  _ Tía," Remus responded, taking his usual seat. She set down a plate in front of him and then a mug of coffee. Remus was suspicious, she was not one to make coffee and prepare it for others. Plus she was far happier than the day before. 

" _ How did you sleep? I hope the bed was comfy, _ " Remus asked right before she sat down and prayed. She picked up her fork and hummed softly. 

" _ I slept well, though I'm not used to the city noise. _ " 

" _ That's good. Are you going to need anything before we go to the rehearsal? Roman is worried about it, _ " Remus asked between mouthfuls of food.

" _ No, but I want to see the dress. It shouldn't be too revealing. _ " 

" _ Your dress? I doubt it! _ " Remus snorted. Sera rolled her eyes fondly and shook her head. 

" _ No, 'Virgil's' dress. _ "

" _ Why would he have a dress? _ " 

" _ It's only proper for a woman to wear a dress to a formal dinner, Remus. _ " Sera said with a dismissive wave.

The eggs in Remus' mouth turned to ash and his fork fell in slow motion as that word echoed in his ears.

His fork clattering on his plate brought the world up to speed. Hr swallowed thickly at the glare she sent him and shook his head. 

"Virgil is a man. A man who I adore with all my heart. Are you feeling alright?" Remus said with as much confidence, concern, and control as he needed—eat your heart out Roman, Remus was the better actor! 

"A man with a full bust? Remus there's no reason to hide that you have a girlfriend! I won't ask her about children before you propose!" she laughed. 

"Virgil is not a woman. He is a charming, handsome, considerate man, and he deserves the respect and dignity that you would show someone on the street," Remus said firmly and stood, staring her down, "Thanks for breakfast. I have to get some work done." And then he spun on his heels and left her to her own devices. She would do well to heed him. 


	24. Tía Zorra

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warning: The amount of bs gender role talk, transphobia, and misgendering is high.**

Virgil had a good day so far. His client was so thrilled with his work that he got a nice tip on top of his fee—a very nice tip. Then he got coffee, a trinta with 15 shots of espresso, 7 ounces of dark roast, and 7 ounces of almond milk. It was just the heart attack he needed to make Remy jealous and concerned, but mostly jealous. And that's when he got the hot gossip.

"Gur—Babes, I feel so bad for dumping that bitch on you!" Remy said once he was able to get on his fifteen and get to Virgil's table.

"Oh?" Virgil questioned, raising his eyebrow at the groom-to-be. This was gonna be good. 

"Mhm, like babes, Mami didn't even need a drink to start talking shit!" Remy gushed, "Her husband left her like a year after they got hitched and she still uses his name. No kids so she's always trying to tell people how to live and shit."

"I kinda gathered that last night. Anythin else I should know, considerin you dumped her on me." 

"Ooh this bitch is basically a Karen but not white. Like it's her way or the highway. You might think your name is Virgil, but if she decides it's Valentino, you can't change her mind." 

"So if I convince her I'm a nice man I can start actin like a dick?" Virge questioned and wiggled his eyebrows jokingly. Remy snorted and shook his head.

"If you can do that then yeah, use Tía Zorra's logic against her!" 

"Zorra?" Virgil asked, ignoring the buzzing in his pocket.

"Oh that's what they call her behind her back, ironically it means 'whore,' when that bitch hasn't gotten laid since what, '79. Literally everyone hates her." 

"So you dumped that fuckin mess on me and Ree? That's low." 

"You two can still fuck despite her. As loud as you want. Ro wants to be a good boy for Mami." 

"Oh really? Well then I guess I better tell Remus to scream my name until dawn. That'll leave an impression!" Virgil laughed and took a swig of his liquid heart attack, "If she causes enough problems." 

"If she doesn't before the wedding you and Reemee get free drinks all week." 

"I'll let you know if I don't."

* * *

"Virgil!" Patton greeted when he answered the door. His eyes were red from crying but his smile was genuine and bright. Virgil held his coffee out of the way and let Patton pull him into a hug. 

"It's good to see you too, Pat," Virgil mused and hugged back with his free arm. 

"Oh, come in, come in!" Patton giggled and pulled away to lead Virge to the kitchen. It was as spotless as ever, except for the cup of tea on the table. 

"Do you want me to get the tux first or give you your shot?" Patton asked as he made Virgil sit down. Virgil set his coffee aside and shrugged off his hoodie. 

"Let's handle the shot after the tux. But first I gotta ask, did you like E's surprise?" he asked, only to make Patton jolt and squeal. And then tears filled his eyes. 

"Like it? Like it?! My partner surprised me with my favorite dessert made by the one person who makes them with a touch of magic! I fucking love it! Do you know I almost broke their arms in the bear hug I gave them?!" 

"E wants what's best for their Papa Bear! Who am I to get in their way?" Virgil chuckled. Patton was bouncing out of sheer joy as he pulled the box of cannoli from the fridge and sat down next to him. 

"They're the best partner I could ask for! I just hope I can be as good to them with the pregnancy and everything." Patton mused and deflated. 

"E always wanted kids, as long as you do too, you're giving them a dream come true. Besides, E doesn't spoil just anyone—look at me, they're my cousin and friend and when do I get? Lil stories about all the adorable things you do and how much they love you to bits! You're better to them than anyone." 

"They offered you a place to stay while Remus' aunt is in town, don't forget that. I fully support that offer, so don't hesitate if she's rude." 

"Unless she goes too far  _ and _ has Remus on her side, you won't have me in your way. Promise." 

"Don't let 'too far' be the last straw. I know how hard it is to be assertive sometimes.—oh, do you want one?" Patton hummed and grabbed one of those glorious confections. Virgil shook his head. 

"I'll be smart about it, and no, I'm good. I need to get some T and a tux and catch up with my in-law who's too kind for his own good." Virgil hummed and gently tapped Patton's hand, since both agreed hair is off limits.

* * *

Remus had never drawn so much gore so quickly in his life. The sheer rage that filled him at breakfast would not fade or lessen. He knew that she would find a way to piss him off but he was expecting the whole no kids spiel. He couldn't really blame Virgil for whatever reason because that would put any amount of blame on his existence—and that was not a fault. 

Remus checked the time and saved his sketch for later. Virgil would be home soon and somebody was bad at reading his texts so he wouldn't know what to expect. Remus decided he had to know and promptly left his room just a little too late.

Virgil entered the apartment with a suit bag over his shoulder. He was greeted with the sight of Serafina on the couch watching reality TV and Remus just outside the bedroom door with a frazzled look on his face. 

"Hello," Virgil greeted with a question in his voice. 

"Oh Virgil! Welcome back! I see you have your dress for the wedding all set," Sera cheered and got up, "I have to see it!" 

"It's a tuxedo. Why would I have a dress?" Virgil questioned, his jaw tensing. He was bound and had been since he got dressed. 

"A tuxedo? Why would a young lady need a tux?" she laughed and tried to get a peek at the garment bag. Virgil held it out of reach and gently guided her back to a safe distance. The tension was strong.

"A young lady wouldn't. I'm not a young lady, so there's no issue. Is there?" Virgil said coolly with a biting edge to his voice. 

"What else would you be? No man has boobs like yours—I'm actually a little jealous." 

"It's a medical condition. Thanks for pointin it out. Are you always this rude when you stay in someone else's home?" he said fighting the urge to rip her a new one. Remus inched closer, formulating a plan to break up the spat without too much bad blood. He also had Roman on speed dial, ready to call for back up.

"There's no medical condition in the world that can cause that! There's no need to pretend to make Remus look rebellious! I told him 'she doesn't have to put up a front just to make you look a certain way–that's not healthy' but did he listen?"

"I heard every word you said," Remus cut in, "and you are completely wrong." Sera scoffed and waved him off just so he could go closer to Virgil. The vein on his right temple was flaring and his jaw was set so tight he was sure to break teeth. 

"Remus, go away, this is just between us girls." 

"Yeah, Remus, go hang this up for me," Virgil said in a sickeningly sweet voice that only meant trouble, "it's  _ girl talk _ ." 

Remus took the suit bag and swallowed thickly. Instead of hanging up the suit, he draped it over the couch and opened his phone camera. He would want to enjoy the smackdown again and again, plus he would have evidence if someone got hurt. 

"You come into my home as a guest with little notice, and you have the nuts to try and tell me what I am and who I am without much to go on other than a peep show? I am a man who just happens to have better boobs than your crusty single ass could dream of. But I am still a man." Virgil snarled.

"That is no way to speak to your elders!" 

"Yeah? We'll you sure don't know how to speak t' the people goin outta 'eir way to give you shelter instead of making you rent a hotel room. You are a guest and I'mma try and make your stay comfortable. Show a lil respect back." 

"You little bitch! I am family!" 

"Not my family, clearly. My family doesn't disrespect me or my partner so blatantly under my own damn roof!" Virgil hissed and tilted his head to the side, "Now you gonna drop the bull and try to get through the next two days without runnin that mouth about 'proper gender' shit or should I introduce a more physical reminder?" 

"You bastard! You would hit a little woman like me?" 

"Why not?" Virgil asked with a dark smirk and righted his head, "Last I checked, it's not taboo for a girl t' hit a girl. Or are you finally gettin the fuckin picture?" 

Serafina huffed and stamped her foot indignantly before storming off to the guest room. Remus stopped recording and fought back a shiver at the lethal expression on Virgil's face. It was hot as hell and concerning. He quickly sent the video to Remy and Roman with the nastiest message he could muster in a short time span. Then he went to his shaking boyfriend. 

"Scare Bear?" Remus cooed and approached him. Virgil blinked rapidly as tears clouded his vision. 

"Never again." 

"Hugs?" Remus offered with open arms. Virgil practically collapsed in his arms and broke down. 

"It's okay Virgil," Remus hummed, "After the rehearsal dinner we're taking her to a hotel. No one gets away with hurting you like that." Virgil only sobbed in response. It broke Remus' heart. He did the only thing he could think of and picked him up bridal style to carry him away for cuddles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translatiors note: yes zorra means vixen/female fox as well in context.


	25. Flavortown, Saucy Dist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember how this is rated M? Well this chapter involves some sexual situations that are just a little more direct than before. Not smut but I am warning you now.

Remus sat on the bed with his legs crossed and Virgil in his lap. His poor spiderling was sobbing into his shoulder and clinging to him for dear life. All Remus could do was hum a lullaby and gently rub circles on his back while coming up with new ways to commit murder. 

"I should have told Roman to shove it," Remus mused, "Now I just want to shove that bitch off the roof."

"Don't," Virgil sniffled and leaned back to look at his boyfriend, "not until I get revenge." Remus giggled at that—there was just some adorable and yet terrifying about that tear-stained scowl that made his heart skip a beat.

"Revenge? Are you asking me on a date?" Remus teased, "because you know the answer is yes!" 

"You wanna help me Guy Fear-yeti?" Virgil asked with a smirk creeping on his face. Remus glanced at his flaming hawaiian shirt and snorted.

"Yeah, I do," he jeered and pulled Virgil close to press a kiss to his forehead, "Next stop is the coldest part of Flavortown! Are you ready for the sweetest dish on the west coast?" 

"We're not on the west coast," Virgil retorted, "And maybe I want to heat things up." He booped Remus' nose and pecked his cheek. 

"You want to have sex as revenge?" Remus asked, confused but open to the idea. He was down for anything Virgil wanted to do. But that was the trick.

"Yeah, leave the door open while I ride you, reverse cowboy."

"No. You and I both know you don't want just anyone to see that much of your rockin bod. And that's no way to get revenge on a transphobe who equates everything to a body." 

"You're right," Virgil sighed, "I want to make her suffer and show off how happy you make me. That wouldn't work." Remus bit back a squeal and peppered Virgil's face with kisses. 

"Can I take off your shirt? Playing with your chest hair is soothing," Virgil asked shyly and averted his gaze. Remus hummed softly, as if he had to think about it, and undid each button until his shirt fell open. The sneaky bastard leaned back and brought Virgil to lie on the bed with him. 

"What the hell!?" Virgil squawked as his side hit the mattress. Remus snickered and carefully brought Virgil's hand to rest over his heart. Virgil's fingers instinctively curled around the wisps of hair. His boyfriend was as soft and fuzzy as a chubby puppy. 

"You can play with my tiddies as long as you want while I come up with a new plot for a game," he offered, "Or I could name all the torture I would endure just to see you smiling at me. I have a list."

"How about you keep kissin me instead?" Virgil hummed, not looking up, "I can't say the same, torture's a lil much, but I'd always look at your photos when I had a bad day. You make me happy, and it's nice." 

"You looked at my pics? You found my Grindr? It's like all shots of my ass! It makes many a man happy!" 

"Instagram, dumbass! I like your stupid face!" Virgil pouted and glared at his stupid smile.

"You do? Then you should punch it—with your mouth. Softly. Maybe with tongue," Remus teased and wiggled his mustache. Virgil snorted and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips. Remus hummed and pulled him to lie on top of him. 

"I know it's only been a few days since we actually got together, but damn I love you," Remus whispered against his lips. He could feel Virgil's curl into a small smile against his.

"I wanted to hear you say that for five years, you sap," Virgil giggled, "I love you too, my knight in slimy armor." 

"I won't let her get away with that stunt so easily. I promise you, I'll live up to that title," Remus said softly. Virgil promptly kissed him again, letting his hands wander to Remus' hair. 

"Shut up and kiss me, Pup," 

"As you wish, my King of Darkness," Remus purred and brought their lips together again. He wanted to hold onto this moment for as long as he could. His hands rested on the small of Virgil's back and he moved his lips languidly, savoring the taste of the man he loved. Virgil was purring happily into the kiss, letting his fingers curl into Remus' hair, never wanting the moment to end.

Too bad Remus' phone buzzed in his pocket, causing Virgil to jump back. Remus pouted and pulled it out to see who had the nerve to spook his bittersweetie.

"Oh, that's rough!" Remus winced as he read the text. Virgil raised an eyebrow at him and pouted. He wanted details. That look would be Remus' undoing one day.

"Roman and Remy saw the video I took as evidence in case shit got ugly. Roman is kicking his own ass, Remy isn't exactly laughing but he said free drinks for a month. Mamá is reeling—she went off!" 

"In a bad way?" 

"No! She's never seen someone destroy that bitch in under two minutes! She's impressed!"

"I was just standin up for myself, it's not that impressive," Virgil grumbled and hid his face in Remus' shoulder. The way Remus laughed from his core sent a new wave of embarrassment through him. 

"You are too cute, Scare Bear!" Remus giggled and kissed his hair, "You have a new fan! Plus you have an avenue for that revenge." 

"How?" 

"My cousins Maria and her wife, Tonio the florist, and Annita who's a single mom are my direct connections to that side of the family. Guess who's at the top of the hit list. I send this to them and the whole family will know what it took to shut her up! Tía Zorra will be humiliated and you will be a hero."

"Can you send it without the hero part?" 

"Nope, because no matter what, you're my hero already!" 

"Goddammit Reek," Virge huffed and sat up, "Send it before I decide to be your villain instead." 

"Yes Sir, Scare Bear, Sir!" Remus giggled and responded to Roman and Remy. Those two were good at causing drama and he had more important things to tend to.

"Done! Now where were we?" Remus asked with an eyebrow wiggle. 

"Oh I remember," Virgil jeered and captured his lips once again. He was feeling a lot better. 


	26. Strangers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _this is just filler and I am okay with that because I kinda don't want to see this end so soon. Yeah we're nearing the end...=/_

If anyone asked Remus, he would say that the most handsome man at the rehearsal was Virgil. He minimized his eyeshadow and added some eyeliner, his hair was brushed back and geled in place, and he was working that grey three-piece suit! But Virgil disagreed. 

He watched the rehearsal from the pews, sitting next to a handsome florist, Antonio, and his wife. The wife, Katarina, was apparently a lawyer so Ethel sat elsewhere for some reason. Virgil didn't pay them any mind. His eyes were glued to the man of honor. Remus cleaned up well and he was dressed to kill in a dark green suit. But it wasn't just the clothes or the groomed mustache and hair, it was his posture. He had never seen Remus standing so proudly like some kind of royal guard. That soft smile as he watched his brother run through the motions with all the flair of a man about to go singing in the rain. 

"They're so beautiful!" Antonio gushed quietly to the woman sitting next to him. 

"Tonio!" 

"And to think Remy was a fake date to our wedding!" he kept going. His wife snarled under her breath.

"I knew they would be together!"

"Antonio!" 

"This is such a wonderful thing to witness!" Antonio squealed. He was getting louder and louder. Virgil took pity on the poor woman who was trying to rein him in—Ethel wore the exact same look when they were close to snapping. Maybe they weren't so different from Kat.

"Hey!" Virgil hissed and nudged the bubbly florist with his elbow. Antonio's smile fell when he looked over to see Virgil with a finger pressed to his lips. Antonio shut up until the rehearsal part was over. Katarina was grateful.

* * *

Remus was one of the last to leave the altar, mainly because he was just not ready for the usual family questions, but also because neither was Virgil. And the way he leaned against the pew presented Remus with the perfect opportunity. 

"Excuse me," Remus hummed as he approached Virgil, "I didn't see you at the last family reunion, are you here with someone or are you on Remy's side?" Virgil snorted and gave him a sly once-over.

"Who wants to know?" 

"Just your average red-blooded man who can see a spruced up snack when he sees one," Remus purred and wrapped his arm around Virgil's shoulders. Virgil chuckled and brushed him off. 

"Easy there, tiger. I'm spoken for," he purred and licked his lips, "But I'm open to a few different kinds of conversation."

"Well whoever landed a handsome stud like you should buy a lottery ticket. I'm jealous." 

"You think I'm lucky, you should see my boyfriend! He's the sweetest thing and a little quirky, but damn if he doesn't clean up good. When he gets back I might have trouble not jumpin his bones." 

"Oh my Goth! Y' in a church!" Ethel groaned loudly a few pews away, making sure Patton was alright, "Pretend to be strangers outside!" Virgil stuck out his tongue and eyed Remus thoughtfully. 

"You want me to carry you to the car, Pup? You were standin up there for a couple hours." 

"My boyfriend might get mad if you do, but you can walk me to his van." Remus giggled. Virgil shoved him lightly and snickered, taking the "handsome stranger's" hand.

"You have an idiot boyfriend for leavin you in my sights." Virgil jeered as they left. Remus smirked at him. 

"He's not an idiot, your boyfriend might be for leaving you within my reach!" 

"I think he did the right thing. What he messed up with was makin me sit next to the only person who couldn't shut up the whole time." 

"Antonio is passionate. He loves love, hatchet houses, and Katarina. He doesn't shut up for most people, he listens to his brother and sometimes Kat, but yeah expect him to be chatty." 

"I got him to shut up," Virgil shrugged and pulled out his keys. 

"He saw the video. You Sir, can be absolutely terrifying! I'm sure he was also trying to be nice and save you another headache, but that fear factor of yours!" Remus fanned himself as he climbed in the van. 

"How many people saw it?" Virgil asked before getting in the van himself.

"Well, Papi sent me a text saying that I have to introduce you to Lita. So pretty much everyone. Expect everyone to nag us about getting hitched next." 

"What?" 

"You think I didn't whine about how bad I have it for you to Papi and Lita for seven years? Virgil please! You know my twin!" Remus laughed, "They heard all about this girl for a whole year and then I started raving about you after you came out and they put two and two together. So yeah, seven years of pining and advice to ask you out—they want me to put a ring on it!" 

"Do you want to?" Virgil asked nervously and started the van. He was by no means ready for that step but he truly considered the idea in his fantasies and when he spent time with Remus. 

"Yeah, I do. But that doesn't mean I want to push anything. We just started dating and I am a patient man. We've been besties for years, but we had to discuss a lot of stuff that would be common knowledge between besties and you still got super uneasy about hanging out alone in my apartment not long ago." 

"Yeah, but one, we deserve to be on the same page, and two, that was because I have a huge crush on you and I had no idea you would even consider me as more than a quick fuck and I was nervous." 

"Okay that's fair, but I still don't want to push you into anything. If you decide one day, hey I want to marry that man, sweet, if not, I'm cool as long as I have you around to some degree." 

"You are a fuckin sap!" Virgil jeered and kissed his cheek, thrilled with that answer, "Let's get tonight over with so we can spoon."

"And talk shit on our idiot boyfriends who left us alone before we ran into each other? Because, you Sir, have just the right amount of sexy, cute, and downright playful to make a guy like me swoon."

"Pup, don't start a hot stranger role play scene while I'm drivin or schmoozin your family." Virgil groaned in good spirits as he pulled out of the parking lot.


	27. Meet the Parents

The rehearsal dinner was definitely not a small undertaking, and the entire restaurant was booked for the occasion. Sure it wasn't as big as the reception, but it did involve all the groomsguard, and their plus ones, and any older kids if they had them, plus the ring bearer and his mom, and the two flower angels and their parents, and the grooms' parents, and grandparents, and Ethel and Patton, and of course the one bitch who had to be a part of everything when she wasn't really wanted. 

Remus and Virgil arrived a little late because of parking, but they didn't mind if people thought they were making out in the van, their pristine appearances proved otherwise. Virgil held Remus' arm and interlaced their fingers with his other hand. It was elegant and classy—a façade they were not going to keep up. Patton definitely bit back a squeal when they entered the crowded room. 

"Remus tiene un novio nuevo. Quiero conocerlo." a woman in the crowd said brightly. Virgil could understand that and he tried not to flush. Remus knew it was his cousin Annita, he could see her sitting with her son next to—

"Novia, Annnita, su novia es hermosa pero irrespetuosa." Sera said with a snobbish air about her. Remus squeezed Virgil's hand reassuringly and smiled at him. Virgil offered a strained smile in return and kept listening despite his better judgement.

"Bien, tío, bien," Annita droned, "¿Y ahora qué? ¿Vas ofenderlo enfrente de la familia toda, de los niños?" 

"Ooh Annita just pulled that card!" Remus giggled, "You'll be fine, Harlot's Web." Virgil took a minute to process what she said, but he relaxed when he figured it out. Maybe this would be okay.

"There you are!" Roman cheered and approached the pair with an older man, who looked like the twins but with salt and pepper hair, following close behind.

"Roman! Papi!" Remus greeted, and let go of Virgil to hug both of them at the same time, leaving Virgil to awkwardly rub his neck.

"Sorry we're late! I had to peel a splattered pigeon from the bumper!" 

"Parking was that bad?" Papi laughed while Roman scrunched up his face in disgust. 

"Yeah but Virgil found a spot—Oh! Before I forget," Remus responded and let go of them both, "This handsome devil is Virgil." Virgil waved awkwardly as Papi approached him. 

"It's so nice to finally meet you," Papi said as he shook his hand, "Remus has a lot to say about you, but he never mentioned you look like my boyfriend." 

"I'm kinda spoken for, Señor—"

"Santiago, please. And ah—my partner looks similar to you." 

"Is he here?!" Remus butted in, trying to save Virgil from the only person in the room who could out-flirt him and Roman. 

"Alessandro? Of course! He's making Zorra squirm!" Santiago chuckled, "And Vanessa is helping with that."

"Glad that polyam relationship is working out," Remus giggled. 

"It's a lot of work but it's worth it," Santiago hummed knowingly, "Any relationship does, I'm sure Romanito is tired of hearing it from me."

"God yes!" Roman groaned, "Give him that lecture instead!" 

"I don't need it!" Remus jeered, "Love is about communication and choosing to embrace the person you love as they change and grow." 

"And trusting them and showing mutual respect because you're both individuals at the end of the day." Virgil added, making Remus and his father wear matching grins. 

"Ooh, you were right, he is like a wolf!" Santiago beamed, making Remus flush.

"A wolf? What are you telling them?" Virgil jeered and nudged him. 

"He said you are compassionate and that you are always there to support the people you're close to—but he had mentioned that he would start howling at the moon if you bit him like a—'dark prince of the night'" 

"¡Papi!" Remus whined. Roman snickered and debated on ending the conversation so soon. A little humiliation was good for Remus, who was hard to faze. 

"Well I give him other reasons to howl," Virgil shrugged. Remus was so red it hurt. Roman snickering did not help. 

"Oh?" Santiago said with a knowing smirk, "I hope he's not too much to handle, he has a wild streak." 

"He makes things interestin, but he's never too much," Virgil answered, "Roman on the other hand—" 

"No dissing the groom at the rehearsal dinner!" Roman cut him off. 

"Leave that to me for tomorrow!" Remus jeered, despite his tomato face, and got a solid punch to the arm thanks to his twin. 

"Let's sit down," Roman said, and led them to the table with Annita and the bitch. Virgil was going to make Remy a widower before he got hitched. 

Virgil took the empty seat furthest away from Serafina next to a short older woman with her hair tied up in a classy bun. Remus sat next to him and his cousin with an impish grin, mainly because Remy was squirming across from Annita. He was under fire in every way possible. Roman was next to him, daring his brother to comment on his fiance's agitation. 

"There you are!" the older woman next to Virgil cheered, her attention on Remus, "Introductions?" 

Remus winced and cleared his throat, "Mami, this is Virgil Segreti, my boyfriend." He scowled when Serafina scoffed loudly. 

"Tía Sera, drink some water, it will help that cough," Roman hummed darkly. 

"Boyfriend? Remy told me you eloped!" 

"You what?!" Virgil hissed, glaring daggers at the coffee groom. Remy snorted.

"I said you should! She's just teasing you!" 

"So that's where you get it," Virgil jeered and nudged Remus.

"Yep!" he laughed, hiding his embarrassment.

"You never told us he was so handsome!" a man sitting across from Mami hummed. He looked like an older version of Virgil and everyone could see it. That had to be Alessandro. 

"Ale!" Mami snickered.

"Isn't it a little early to get conceited?" Santiago teased and kissed his cheek. Virgil was bright red. 

"Like father like son," Roman hummed and eyed Remus, "I see where you get your taste in men!" Sera scoffed again. 

"Toma tu agua, Tía," Annita droned and rolled her eyes. Remus couldn't be more grateful for her. Roman was a different story.

"So, how's work going, Virge? I heard you sealed another deal," Roman hummed.

"Yeah, I did." 

"What kind of contract?" Ale asked with a twinkle in his eye. 

"I'm supposed to compose the music for the next few editions of Donuts Go Nuts and a few other games from TapSwipePlay. It's nothing special," Virgil shrugged and opted to look at the menu to see what they were having. 

"A musician!" Mami squealed, "Remus, why didn't you tell us he's a musician?" 

"I asked him not to mention it," Virgil answered, "It's not the most lucrative career." 

"Art is hardly lucrative, it's a passion and it's dedication, and it's admirable!" Mami said with a firm nod. 

"Nessa is a fan of cellphone games. Especially Palace Tale," Santiago hummed teasingly, "She's a princess who enjoys the fanfare, or at least the ambient music."

"It's historically accurate!" Nessa argued with a smile. 

"Virgil wrote that music!" Remus butted in, "He's one of the best and I am so lucky to have him working with me on my games!" 

"You wrote that? You have a gift!" Nessa gasped, "Handsome, talented, what else is Remus hiding about you?" 

"That she's a woman!" Sera said just loud enough to be heard. 

"Excuse me?" Virgil hissed and leaned forward to glare at her, "This is an A B conversation. T' see ya way in, have something factual to contribute." Annita bit her lip and tried not to laugh. Remy was just as pleasantly surprised. 

"It's true. You're a—" 

"Man with tits. Last I checked, you have no idea what's below the belt, if that even matters. Have some respect for people who don't fit your mold, we exist." 

"I don't have to take this from you!" 

"Tía, you started it," Roman said, "And frankly, I am appalled that you would choose to pick a fight when we're here for  _ my wedding _ ." 

"We aren't talking about you, Roman," Sera huffed, "Don't make it about you like always." The offended noise that left Roman's lips was i tense.

"Serafina, of all the stupid things you could say, telling the groom that an event for his wedding isn't supposed to be about him has to be the stupidest," Santiago responded coolly, "Are you really so adamant about being right that you resort to such foolish notions?" 

"You have no room to speak, cheating on your wife in plain sight!"

"With her lover," Santiago added. 

"You're comparing an action to an existence." Ale butted in, "Hardly fair." 

"Both are wrong! You should be faithful to one person and you—" Sera began to rant only for Annita to slam her palms on the table.

"Tía Sera," she finally spoke up, "Do us all a favor and shut up if you won't listen. My son is sitting with his uncle so he doesn't get the idea that acting like this is okay! Your stubborn selfish attitude is toxic and that is why Jose left you!" 

The room went silent. Remus was on the edge of his seat because no one ever went there! Serafina was livid and if looks could kill it would be a murder scene!

"He left me because he was a lying bastard!" she snapped, ignoring the old woman approaching the table. 

"No I left because you're a raging bitch," The woman who arrived huffed and sat down, "And I go by Julie, now, Annita." Sera glared at her for a moment, clearly recognizing her, and shot up from her seat. She threw her napkin down and stormed out of the restaurant. 

"Hey Jules, where's ma?" Remy greeted after a beat of silence. 

"She's talking to her lawyer over there. So what did I miss?" 

"Remus' boytoy makes video game music," Remy shrugged and then turned to the rest of the table and said, "Everyone, this is my stepmom, Julie. Sorry for the wait." 

Roman caught Virgil's eye and he smirked nodding once. He and Remy definitely planned this like the petty bitches they were. The rest of the evening was full of fun, good food, and embarrassing stories about the twins. But nothing was more satisfying than watching Tía Zorra storm off after getting roasted. 


	28. Backstreet

It was a long day for Virgil and Remus. From the errands to issues with Zorra to the family get together. Virgil was happy to get back to the apartment and away from people. He wanted to get out of the suit and under the covers. 

Remus was a little bit flustered. Sure no one teased him about marrying Virgil and Mamá and Papi really liked him, but he could have lived without the stories. Virgil did not need to hear that he tried to start a boyband in fifth grade like Backstreet, and he definitely didn't want anyone to know about how he accidentally got a He-Man action figure lodged in his ass—on a dare. Then there were the stories about his years on the soccer team when he bleached his hair piss yellow, or his time in the poetry club and all the sappy things he wrote! Remus was ready to curl up on the couch and disappear.

"Ree, babe," Virgil yawned, "We made it." Remus shut the door behind him and sighed. Virgil was right.

"One more day of hell," he agreed and tiredly made his way to the kitchen to take his medicine. Virgil's eyes followed him and worry etched its way across his forehead.

"You good, Pup?" he asked as Remus chugged a glass of water. Remus didn't look at him, but nodded. 

"Remus," Virgil sighed and wrapped his arms around him, "You know you can tell me what's wrong. Or that something is wrong and I won't push for details if you don't wanna talk." Remus set the glass on the counter and leaned into his boyfriend. 

"Family is embarrassing," he sighed and shook his head, "super embarrassing." 

"Those lil stories were a lot, huh?" Virgil hummed and kissed his cheek. 

"Yeah. Who wants to be a loser who wanted to be like Nick Carter, shoved He-Man up his butt, went piss blonde, and quit sports to be a sap?" Remus laughed bitterly. 

"I don't know, Puppy," Virgil said softly, "but I do know that I want to be with an adventurous, artistic dork who keeps his word and knows how to have fun doing things he finds entertaining." 

"Then you should find him and stop wasting your time here," Remus pouted. Oh he was not about to pull that shit.

"Baby, I know you're hurting right now you feel like you could never love again. Now all I ask is for a chance to prove that I love you," Virgil said softly in his ear, sending a chill down his spine. Remus shifted in his grasp and buried his face in Virgil's shoulder.

"Don't you dare start singing," Remus huffed, "I might cry and cling to you like an octopus." 

"Promise?" 

"It's a threat!" he pouted and wrapped his arms around his emo's shoulders. Virgil chuckled and pulled out his phone, cranking up the volume and skipping the first seventeen seconds of the song. He pressed play and set the phone down to hug Remus by the waist. 

"From the first day," Virgil sang along with the music, swaying with his boyfriend, "That I saw your smiling face, Honey I knew that we would be, together forever." Remus clung to him and tried not to cry. This was too sweet for him to handle. 

"Ooh when you asked me out, I said no but you found out, darling that I'd been hurt," Virgil continued, switching up the lyrics, "I felt like I would never love again. You deserve a try honey, just once. Gave you a chance and you proved it all wrong. You walked in, I was so quick to judge, but puppy you're nothing like him." Remus held him closer and listened to his calm voice.

"I'll never break your heart, I'll never make you cry, I'd rather die than live without you. I'll give you all of me, Remus that's no lie," Virgil continued, continuing to rock Remus where they stood, "I'll never break your heart, your childhood's just that, I'd rather love a cringey gremlin, a mess just like me, Puppy that's a fact." 

"Don't change the lyrics like that unless you want me to cry and cuddle you until we wind up fucking!" 

"You really need better threats, Cuddlefish!" Virgil hummed, "I'm dancing with you in the kitchen to Backstreet Boys, nothing you can say will kill this sappy mood." 

"I'm pregnant." 

"Abducted by aliens lately?" Virgil snickered, "because I have to fight them for knocking you up. Should I expect a little alien to burst from your chest or just your racing heart?" Remus giggled and shook his head. 

"I just killed the sappy mood, and made it a gross sappy mood." 

"A zombie mood," Virgil agreed and tilted Remus' chin up, "As long as it's not a mortified tense mood I'm good." 

"Yeah. I'm glad things went well with the family tonight, even if that bitch—you know." 

"I don't think I've ever had such a great conversation with anyone about music theory before. Your mom is something else." 

"Be careful, she's polyam and she likes younger men!" Remus jeered, "You're definitely on her list!"

"That's too bad for her," Virgil hummed, "But your old man is a different story. I know where you get it from." 

"It?" 

"That ass and the feral mojo you brag about. I see where you get it, but it's definitely more concentrated in you." 

"You were looking at my dad's ass?" Remus jeered. He was not stupid enough to ignore where he got his assets. It was fun to make his friends squirm when he caught them staring.

"It's eye catchin, sue me. It's not like I was thinkin about it!" Virgil huffed and rolled his eyes playfully, "Your ass is a different story." 

"I'm listening!" Remus purred and fluttered his lashes. Virgil snorted and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips. 

"It's a bedtime story. I'll tell you when we're under the covers. For now, I'd rather stay right here with my Octopup, holding him and taunting him about how his dad's ass is an inherited trait and it's the main reason the aliens abducted him to bear their spawn." 

"Scare Bear I wouldn't have it any other way," Remus teased and quickly kissed him, "but I kinda wanna go enjoy death: the free trial." 

"A little bit of real estate shoppin in hell sounds like a good idea," Virgil agreed and grabbed his phone, "We have to make it through tomorrow."


	29. The Main Event

"Are you nervous?" Remus asked as he adjusted his brother's sash. Roman laughed, a hollow denial that anyone could see through. Roman was shaking, wringing his hands together and avoiding eye contact. 

"I'm terrified." 

"Why's that? I mean I made sure Scare Bear didn't summon a demon or a horde of zombies to ruin your day."

"Remus, I—I love him so much and I want to be with him forever, but I can't help but worry that he won't be as enamoured as I am and what if he's not there or says no or his ex shows up halting the wedding and begging for him to come back and he does?" 

"Ro, bro, you sound like Virgil when a deadline is coming. Remy is gonna be there, he's gonna get one look at you and swoon or he'll faint and hit his head and you'll have to reschedule everything with only a faint hope that he doesn't fall into a coma or forget who you are." 

"You were doing so well and then you had to keep talking." 

"It's what I do!" Remus chuckled, "But for real, he wants to marry you and he's probably losing his cool about you." 

"You think so?" 

"If E's texts are anything to go off of!" Remus giggled, "They're such a bitch and I love them!" 

"They're the word person to calm Remy, please tell me Patton is with them," Roman groaned. 

"Oh yeah! But not for long," Remus chuckled, "And I have to get in place. Your big day is about to start!"

* * *

Virgil was grateful that E and Pat were next to him as a buffer from Antonio and Katerina. Apparently someone was prone to crying at weddings just like Pat. 

"Please tell me you got extra tissues," Ethel mumbled to Virgil, "I don't know if I have enough." 

"I don't," Virgil responded, "Why not ask Kat?" 

"I'm not about to look unprepared in front of my boss." 

"Well that's why you bring more tissues in the first place." 

"I brought seven travel packs. Pat went through three in the car. He's lucky I know how to hide the crying. I take care of my husband." 

"And he takes care of you. I know," Virgil bristled. He was highly uncomfortable surrounded by both families and stuck in a tuxedo—because he thought for some reason he was going to a black-tie event. Literally no one else in the congregation was this dressed up. He was glad he brought his suit from the day before in a hanger bag like Remus. 

"Breathe, Segreti, it'll be over soon," Ethel sighed and rubbed his shoulder. They were right but soon wasn't soon enough, especially with the altar empty. He was getting anxious just sitting around waiting, staring at religious artifacts and large bouquets of flowers.

Until the sound of an organ played. Virgil was startled and just the tiniest bit surprised that there was a Catholic procession coming down the aisle out of nowhere. He craned his neck to see. 

Father Thomas was at the head of the procession, smiling softly and holding a bible. Remy was right behind him, dressed in an ornate princely jacket and kravatt, shaking with each step. Anton was right behind him in a black princely suit with silver embroidery, like Remus' but with a purple sash. The guards behind him were lined up in pairs—Joan and Eddy (a teacher and Remy's friend), Valerie and Abe (Remy's bespectacled cousin), Terrence and Phil, and Camden and Andy*. Remy's guards wore blue sashes and Roman's wore pink. It was elegant and regal but Virgil couldn't care less about the front of the procession. 

Behind the guards, ring bearer, and flower angels, was Remus. He was far more serious and dignified than Virgil had ever seen him. He looked like he was actually a royal guard ready to protect a prince. 

And when everyone else had taken their places at the altar, it was clear as to why he was in such a state. The organ music that filled the building prompted the final person in the procession. Roman walked down the aisle with such poise, his head held high. He looked like he walked out of a fairytale in his white suit and red sash, carrying his bouquet. Remy was in awe and Remus was smiling at his brother as he stepped up to the altar.

"Dearly beloved," Father Thomas greeted, "We are gathered here today to witness the union of Remington Dormir and Roman Méndez Castille in holy matrimony…" 

Virgil tuned him out, distracted by his handsome boyfriend watching his brother with the proudest expression on his calm face. The ceremony would be such a blur if Remus kept this up.

* * *

It certainly did fly by. Virgil couldn't remember much of the mass but now he was paying attention to the grooms and Patton. This is the part when the tears would start. 

"Do you, Remington Dormir, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do you part?" Father Thomas said. Remy chuckled nervously.

"You mean I'm not dead and in heaven, boo?" he teased and winked at Roman, "I do." Father Thomas smiled knowingly and shifted his gaze to Roman. 

"And do you, Roman Méndez Castille, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?" 

"I do," Roman said to Remy, "Even if death would never be enough to take you from my heart." 

Father Thomas motioned the ring bearer over so that they could exchange rings. Father Thomas' surmon fell on deaf ears as Remy slid the ring on Roman's finger. He was so gentle and cautious about it, a far cry from the usually bold barista. Roman was just as gentle, but far more reverent, guiding the ring to sit just right around Remy's finger, letting his hands linger with Remy's. Patton was sobbing in the pews. 

"You may now kiss the groom!" Fr. Thomas said. Virgil didn't pay attention to the soft kiss the grooms shared, or the stupid, teary grin on Remus' face. No he had to contend with Patton and Antonio clinging to each other, overwhelmed with emotions. Ethel and Kat couldn't keep them quiet enough. 

Fortunately, the ceremony was almost over. A closing prayer and the recessional, and then Ethel and Patton could hunt down tissues while Virgil stuck around for Remus. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * the Ed, Abe, Andy, and Phil are the TS Shorts equivalents of the main sides.


	30. Picturesque

Virgil stayed behind as the majority of people left the church. He was glad to have some breathing room and even happier to see Remus energetically teasing his brother. What he was unhappy about was the photographer ordering the groomsguard and grooms into position for a photo. It would only be a matter of time before Virge would be dragged up to the altar to get a photo with them and the other mandatory plus ones. 

"And—Got it!" the cameraman cheered, "And now for all the plus ones, big family portrait!" Virgil begrudgingly stood up, following Adri, Talyn, Brian (who was with Anton) and two people he didn't know. He was not a fan of being pushed around by the photographer or posing but he was right behind Remus so he could cause some trouble if he wanted. 

Three clicks and an "okay" later and the majority of the group was allowed to go. Virgil and Remus were not part of that majority. The best men and their partners were forced to stay for one more round of photos. 

"Anton you have to be a little bit closer to Remy. And Remus, stand up straight," the photographer ordered.

"You see this snack of a man on my arm and you expect me to be straight?" Remus scoffed playfully. 

"Then stand erect, babes, we're on a schedule!" Remy retorted. Remus snickered and righted himself, wrapping an arm around Virgil's waist. 

The camera clicked a few times and everyone except for the grooms could go. The reception wasn't going to wait forever! 

"You know, you look like a spy who's gonna try and get me to a secondary location and then kill me and steal my organs for the black market," Remus commented as they stepped out of the building and into the full parking lot. 

"Why would I wanna sell fresh meat? Assassins gotta eat," Virgil shot back while searching for his vehicle.

"Are you saying I'm a snack?" Remus teased and wiggled his eyebrows. Virgil gave him a once over and shook his head.

"More like a whole meal," he hummed, "A fuckin royal banquet!" Remus snickered and kissed his cheek, lacing their fingers together. 

"You wanna change in the back while I drive? We don't wanna ruin that tux!" Remus giggled as Virgil led him to the van, avoiding the other guests. He was not ready for social interaction except for with Remus. 

"How about I change now and when they get in their limo I drive?" Virgil suggested, definitely concerned about staying alive when there were so many idiots on the road.

"But I wanna make out!" Remus whined pitifully and playfully. His cute pout faded when Virgil flashed a wry smirk.

"Aren't I draggin you away from the party like a tramp to have my way with you?" Virgil jeered and unlocked the van. He climbed in the back and smirked at a grinning Remus.

"I'll be right out." 

Remus helped him close the door and smiled like an idiot. He was dating his Virgil, at his brother's wedding with him. His family adored the sassy emo and Roman was the happiest man on the planet. To think, a month ago he was sure this would be one of the tensest days of his life—keeping up a façade for them while not making it too obvious he was head over heels for his fake date. Focusing on Roman might be the only thing he struggled with.

"Hey," Virgil said as he stepped out of the van, "Is my hair a complete mess?" Remus had to take a minute—there was no way Virgil could go from the hot James Bond look to the sexy businessman after hours look. The purple vest, grey slacks, and black button down with the first three buttons open and sleeves rolled up made Remus want to skip the reception and fuck his boyfriend. 

"Pup, you okay?" 

"I love you and I want you inside of me," Remus breathed, "and your hair is fine. For now."

"Get in the car," Virgil scoffed and rolled his eyes, a little flustered but completely amused with his eager boyfriend. 

Remus grinned and shook his head. Virgil raised an eyebrow, only to be dragged into a steaming kiss. Remus didn't care who saw and pulled Virgil flush against him. The best part was that despite the public setting, Virgil kissed back with as much enthusiasm and tongue. 

"See! I told you they were cuter!" Patton's voice hit them.

"No! Remy and Roman are cuter! You can't say that on their wedding day!" Antonio argued. Virgil wasn't in the mood for having an audience, so he flipped them the bird, still lip locked with Remus. 

"Boys, enough.” E droned, “They’re twins. They’re gonna have equally cute relationships.”

“But, clearly different kinds of cute,” Katerina cut in. 

“Don’t you have to get to your cars and get to the reception?” Remus asked, breaking the kiss for just a moment, “We’re a little busy here!” He pulled Virgil back in and continued kissing him like there was no tomorrow. The unwanted audience got the message.

“You’d think they were the ones about to go on a honeymoon,” Katerina said to E as she led the four of them to their cars.

“If either of them catches the bouquet, they’ll need a second honeymoon suite," E responded.

“Wouldn’t that be so cute if one of them did catch it?” Antonio gushed. Patton squealed and nodded rapidly.

“That would be absolutely adorable!” he agreed enthusiastically. 

Virgil had to fight off a smirk at their commentary. As if either of them had the dexterity to catch a bouquet! In the back of his mind he considered trying but decided against it. He was pretty sure that Remus would marry him someday and he didn't need flowers to prove it. His dedication and kisses were enough. 


	31. Dance Dance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _it's been so long since i updated this o_O_

The banquet was in full swing and Remus was more than happy to sit with his parents, Alessandro, and Virgil. He was less than thrilled with Remy, Roman, and Lita. His sweet little grandmother was next to Virgil and asking all sorts of questions, in Spanish.

"_So when did you realize that you were a man? I hope that is not too personal to ask _," Lita asked. 

"_It's not, not for me at least _ ," Virgil shrugged, "_I__ was in college when I figured it out, being on my own and all helped me figure myself out. _" 

"_And then you chose a different name, is there a story behind that? _" 

"_My cousin is also trans _ ," Virgil shrugged, feeling safe to divulge that much information, since he wasn’t naming names, "_and when they changed their name, their mother was a lil sad but she was supportive. She really likes Dante's Inferno and I was like why not go with ‘Virgil?’ I felt right. _" 

"_You are very brave to be yourself, Remus is lucky to have found such a good man, especially with the way he spoke of you. _" 

"_That's right! _ " Santiago laughed and nudged poor flustered Remus, "_What was it you said? _ 'a man who makes Adonis look like trash with a wry smirk that set the sun ablaze each morning and a glare that could freeze hell.'"

"_And 'His tongue and wit are sharper than a Masamune katana. He could cut me into ribbons and I would thank him!' _" Lita added. Remus groaned and hid his face in his hands. 

"_Oh and then there was 'he's so dedicated and caring, like a mother wolf spider adopting stray hatchlings! _'" Santiago laughed, but not in a mocking way. Virgil flushed and shook his head. 

"_I dunno if that's exactly accurate, but I know I'm not an easy catch _ ," he said sheepishly, "_Remus just so happens to be the sweetest, funniest, most loving, creative, and dedicated man I know. He's clever and witty and charming and handsome and I don't know how I got so lucky. _" Who was blushing brighter? It was definitely a tie between the two of them. 

"_Can't you harass Roman? It's his wedding! _" Remus whined. Virgil squeezed his thigh under the table as a sort of reassurance that Remus appreciated. 

"_Thank you! _ " Vanessa cheered, "_My baby might be dating the man of his dreams, but today is about my baby who just married the man of his dreams! _" 

"_Please! _ " Roman scoffed, "_I could never dream up someone as ethereal and charming as Remy if I tried! He is a walking dream and I am so blessed to have caught him! _" 

"Boo, _ I might be sleeping beauty, but you're prince charming! And you're a prince charming! _"* Remy cooed and hugged his husband's arm.

"_It's so refreshing to see so much young love _ ," Ale sighed wistfully, "_Not that aged love isn't wonderful _." Nessa giggled and kissed his cheek. 

"_I believe it is time for the newlyweds to have their first dance _," Lita hummed softly. Remy and Roman shared a look and got up. 

The newlyweds proceed to the dancefloor with the rest of the table following close behind. Knowing the grooms, the levels of flair and drama would be high! 

The DJ got one look at them and grabbed the mic, "Alright alright! It's time for the couple's first dance!" they cheered and selected the song Remy and Roman picked out as everyone cleared the dance floor. 

All eyes were on Roman and Remy as they graced the floor before the music even started. Virgil stood next to Remus and grabbed his hand, just to reassure him that he wasn’t alone in a sea of relatives. He looked ready to cry, happy tears, but still tears. He was so proud of his brother it hurt. And then the music started. 

It was an instantaneous switch from teary eyes to sibling spite the second the first chord rang out. Salsa, probably the one dance style that Roman could do better than Remus, and he was determined to show off, keeping time with Remy as they moved swiftly across the floor. Each spin and step was perfectly executed, drawing coos and cheers alike from the guests. It was as if they had spent their whole lives practicing for this one moment, and it showed with every dip, twist and spin. Virgil was impressed, but squeezed Remus’ hand to comfort him. It wasn’t working.

“They’re so cute together!” Patton squealed some distance away, impressed by the display. He was right of course, they might have been putting on the flashiest show, but their eyes were locked and it was as if no one else in the world existed. It was sappy enough to make Virgil and Ethel share a look from opposite ends of the dance floor. Cynicism was their intrinsic connection that not even distance could shatter. 

Remy spun into Roman’s chest and let him hold him there as the song ended. He was breathing heavily as the guests cheered for them. Roman kissed his cheek and guided him to sit for a moment. Remy wasn’t trained for that kind of thing, and Roman was not going to let him hurt himself. But he wasn’t finished. Not by a long shot. 

“Remus!” Roman shouted dramatically and pointed at him, “I challenge you to—!”

“Get ready to lose, Princey!” Remus laughed and strutted onto the floor, leaving Virgil to watch, completely confused. He looked to Santiago and Vanessa for some answers, but they were already cheering their sons on. When the first few bars of music hit his ears, Virgil understood. And he was not impressed. 

Roman and Remus stared each other down, circling the other in measured steps as vibrant guitar music filled the air. Remus slowly brought his hands in front of his chest, waiting for Roman to make the next move. The tension between the brothers was real and lethal. 

Roman kicked one leg forward, and stomped quickly, repeatedly tapping his feet as his arms rose above his head, his wrists twisting and flicking as he strode forward, backward, and side to side. Remus took to clapping with the music, gliding to keep at the same distance from Roman as he danced. 

Each move was precise and timed well, and Roman was in tune with the music. He knew when to slow and when to speed up his movements, how to hold his arms and how to move his feet, making the soles of his shoes clack with the floor. Virgil was impressed, but his eyes kept drifting back to his boyfriend. Remus was laser focused and just tense enough, like a coiled spring ready to snap. 

Roman froze, standing ram-rod straight with his arms above his head, bent at the elbows. He glared at Remus and matched his clapping, daring him to try to outdo him. Remus smirked wickedly and stamped his foot in time with his own clapping. He began stamping both feet, heel toe, heel toe, faster and faster, letting his arms rise above his head and then glide down his body, arching and swaying his hips.

A sequence of stomping—left, left, back, right, forward—was highlighted by the rapid clacking of his shoes. Remus was far more graceful than most gave him credit for including his attentive boyfriend, wowing his relatives and friends with his swift fluid motions. And then the bastard spun, twice in a row, dropping to a knee immediately after and running his hands over his butt.

Roman met his gaze, glaring at him as he rose again, clapping in time with him. When the music picked up again, he went off, kicking and stamping his feet with finesse and grace, getting some distance between him and Roman, twisting and putting on a show. When he was far enough away, he spun and stopped, facing Virgil. He took three bold strides, and slid on his knees, stopping on one in front of his emo.

Virgil flushed as Remus took his hand and brought it to his lips. He got up and bowed as the music faded. Roman bristled at the applause, but he knew what he was getting into when he challenged Remus. It was an expected defeat, but it was fun.

“You,” Virgil snarled in Remus’ ear, making him shiver, “You’re comin with me!” Virgil grabbed his hand and led him through the crowd. Remus internally screamed, following him out into the hallway toward the bathrooms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * in Spanish there are two ways to say prince charming, each with their own meanings, " príncipe azul" (the dream guy) and "príncipe encantado" (literally the character in the fairytales)


	32. Catching

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _oh no... this is the last chapter before the epilogue_ 🥺

After readjusting their clothes and hair as best they could, Remus and Virgil left the bathroom hand in hand.

“Your mission is complete!” Remus giggled and kissed his cheek. Virgil scrunched up his face and scoffed.

“Yeah, yeah, I was the tramp who pulled you away from your family to have my way with you. Mission’s not complete yet,” Virgil teased, “Free food, the speech, free cake, and takin you away again. For whatever you want.”

"Even if I just want cuddles because Lita and Papi are going to yell at me?" 

"If that's what you want, yeah," Virgil shrugged and kissed his cheek, “But why would they do that?" 

"Well you see, Scare Bear, I went and did some fresh flamenco freestyle on the floor to pre-recorded music. The dancing is secondary to the music and the pre-recorded stuff with the dancing bugs Lita, a lot. And no one bugs Lita like that without her son stepping in on her side." 

"Wouldn't they yell at Roman for that too?" 

"I'm excited to see them tear into him later. It'll be beautiful!" 

"Yeah. But first, you gotta get back there and give that speech, best man.”

“You got it, Scare Bear!” Remus cheered and led him back inside to their table, at least that’s where he left Virgil. He grabbed his wine glass and sauntered over to the DJ booth.

“Is this thing on?” Remus said into the mic and grinned, “Alright! Hey there everybody! Great party huh?” The guests grumbled their half-hearted responses that Remus didn't bother listening to. 

“Yeah, yeah, but the reason we’re even having this party is because two lovebirds got hitched, let’s hear it for Remy and Roman!” He was thrilled to get a round of applause for the blushing couple and stared them down.

“Alright, alright, we’ve heard enough! At least from you, for now. This is a very big day for Ro and Rem, and I for one couldn’t be happier for them. It took years to reach this point! Years of whining from Ro about how perfect he is and how much he loves him, blah blah blah.” Remus said with a laugh, “And then he met Remy. And lemme tell you, I thought this would be just like all the others, but I was wro-ong!" Roman winced and shrank into himself.

“You would not believe how much he lit up at the mention of Remy, or how he would slow dance to disney music holding a mop with sunglasses! And I know he’s gonna find some dirt on me later so let’s make this one count!" Remus laughed at his fuming twin, "Roman is a lover, he loves love, but there was always something different about Remy, something no one else ever brought to his relationships, a wake-up call. Okay, other people were like alarm clocks that just keep beeping until you throw them against the wall—not recommended by the way—and then there’s Remy, the radio alarm set to his favorite station. Ro said it himself, Remy makes him want to be better, and he really does. And the little prince tries! But what about Remy, how does he feel about all this?”

“What, do I look like I roomed with him in the womb? All I know is that Remy hasn’t had all the luck in the world with men, and I’ve spent a few nights with him and a tub of ice cream watching Golden Girls–you’re still Blanche, boo!"

"Get on with it Sophia!" Remy jeered and grabbed Roman's hand.

"And now he's got his own Prince Charming to wax about him! I don't know if I've ever seen a more beautiful couple, and that's saying something—I got all the beauty when we were wombmates, sorry Ro! So let's give it up for the dynamic duo of the hour, a toast, to Roman and Remy! Stay thirsty boo!" Remus cheered and held up his glass. 

The guests clinked their glasses to toast the newlyweds with proud cheers erupting from the crowd. Roman and Remy blushed and shared a look. 

"Sha la la lala la la lala my oh my looks like the groom's too shy go on and kiss the guy!" Remus sang into the mic and downed his drink in one shot. Remy smirked and pulled Roman into a searing kiss that got a cheer out of Lita. 

Remus gave the mic back to the DJ and went back to his seat. Virgil was ready and greeted him with a kiss to the cheek. Vanessa cooed drunkenly at the sight. 

"You did good, Reek." 

"Thanks Scare Bear, I hope I mixed the humiliation factor and the sentimentality right. I don't need to deal with fratricide!" 

"Then be sure to catch the bouquet!" Roman huffed and got up. He took his flowers and went up to the booth, nodding to the DJ to say it was time. 

"Alright alright! Time to test your skills singles! That bouquet is gonna be airborne!" they cheered only to have a bunch of single people, mostly women crowd around behind Roman. Neither Virgil or Remus moved, much to the table's shock. 

They really didn't need that pressure yet, and they didn't have to have it. And then the himbo prince wannabe lobbed those flowers over his shoulder with too much force. 

"Why would we try and get you to hound us about another wedding so soon!" Remus laughed just before he got hit in the head. The bouquet bounced off him and landed in Virgil's lap. 

"Now we have to get married," Virgil grumbled and lifted the bouquet. 

"It's not binding!" Remus scoffed as the most impish smiles crossed his parents' faces. 

"Tramp!" Remy jeered with a smirk as Roman hurried back, a little embarrassed at his lack of aim. 

"Looks like you two are next to tie the knot," Roman jeered. 

"Expect a wedding drought. We're taking our sweet time!" Remus scoffed and stuck out his tongue. 

"Weddings are outdated over-expensive pagentry," Virgil grumbled, "You might like having your fairytale moment but count me out." 

"Yeah, we're gonna hit up Reno and get Elvis to officiate a drive-thru wedding and cruise non stop to Donner Pass! So he can eat me!" Remus added. Virgil coughed, and Remus swore he said "out" at the same time. He could go either way!

"Whatever makes you happy, as long as you are happy, I approve," Santiago said with a knowing smile. He definitely picked up on Virgil's coughing.

"Nothing would make me happier right now than teasing the grooms. We're leaving right after dessert, because some of us have to work tomorrow and can't fly to Cancun." 

"I can take you somewhere better," Virgil mumbled and grabbed his hand, "Later." 

"Have I mentioned that I love you?" 

"Yeah, but I like hearin it." 

"Babes you are too cute. Stop stealing the spotlight!" Remy joked. 

"Send us with a few doggie bags and we'll be cute  _ and _ creepy somewhere else," Virgil retorted. 

They got their doggie bags and left.

"Thank you for being my date, Scare Bear," Remus hummed and curled up in the passenger seat as Virgil drove. 

"Thanks for bein my boyfriend instead." 

"For now. I'm so gonna be your trashy feral husband one day." 

"Not if I become your husband first, Pup. But for now, let me drag you away from the wedding reception like a tramp and have my way with you." 

"I love you so much." 

"I love you too, Remus."

## The End


	33. Epilogue: 4 Years Later

Virgil leaned back on the couch with a sigh and removed his headphones. He could use a break and a little snack after hours of mixing yet another theme. And lucky him, that little snack finally closed his computer and flopped on his lap. 

"Scare Bear!" Remus whined, "I'm tired!" 

"Hi tired, I'm engaged," he snickered and leaned over to kiss his nose. Remus scrunched up his face and pouted. 

"You missed." 

"Sorry babe, you know how Cecil gets when old people get mushy and gross. Can't have you gettin all Roman on me when we go there." 

"Ethel's making the food, right?" 

"Yup." 

"Fuck! I shouldn't've had those fish tacos!" 

"You're just gonna have to deal with bein stuffed and waitin," Virgil hummed and ran his hand over Remus' belly. 

"I'm gonna have a food baby." 

"And then I'll make you wish it was my baby instead." 

"I thought we weren't getting all mushy and gross!" 

"You think that threat is mushy and gross?" 

"Yeah. Because you want me even if I'm a disgusting braindead blob bloated with pasta and salad and meat and cheese and crackers and cookies and tiramisu. Believe me I will be brain dead! Ethel is worse than Lita and abuelita combined!" 

"You are so lucky you never met Nonna,". Virgil snickered, "She was so much worse." 

"You're carrying me to the van, between E's cooking and any bakery leftovers from Pat there's no way I'm gonna be able to move my legs, let alone see them." 

"I'm strong enough I can carry you." 

"So you'll mimic a cheesy romance novel cover but you won't kiss me?" 

"I'm tchrowin you over my shoulder, fireman style." 

"The only fireman style anything I want to see you do involves a pole, whipped cream, and the score to Gilbert and the Grey," Remus teased. 

"How about take a nap before we go to Pat's? I'll even stick around and be your pillow." 

"I like that idea, I'll get a face full of boobies!" 

"Stress balls, pillows, they've got a lotta uses," Virgil snickered and resituated them so Remus could curl up on top of him. 

"Soft tiddy, warm tiddy, built-in balls for stress, happy Remus, sleepy Remus, love you Virge!" Remus sang tiredly and nuzzled into his boyfriend—no fiance! Virgil laughed and wrapped his arms around him. This was the man he was going to marry.

* * *

"Cecil! I told you to put your toys back in the toy box!" Patton said firmly and put his hands on his hips. The little boy playing with toy cars pouted at him and scrunched up his nose. Ethel was in the kitchenette, trying not to laugh at how cute their boys were. 

"CeCe, listen to Daddy, Uncle Vee and Uncle Ree are coming over!" they said just as a knock came at the door. Cecil's eyes went wide and he fumbled to gather all his cars in his tiny toddler hands. Patton took pity and helped him before getting the door. 

"Well if it isn't the big business boy himself!" Remus cheered and pulled Patton into a bone-crushing hug. Patton laughed and hugged him back, waving at a bemused Virgil. 

"Hey guys! It's been so long!" 

"Only a week, Pat," Virgil said, "It must feel like longer now that you're runnin two locations." 

"Yeah," he giggled and let go of Remus, "Now that I've been back on my T and kicking butt I'm living the dream!" 

"Speakin of dreams, where's my worst nightmare?" Virgil jeered. 

"Poisonin your damn food, you chooch!" Ethel shouted from the kitchen. Patton winced but recovered quickly at Virgil's wry smile.

"Come on in! It'll be a few minutes."

Remus and Virgil entered the apartment only to collide with a fiery toddler. 

"Uncle Vee! Uncle Ree!" 

"CeCe!" Remus exclaimed and picked up the kid.

"Oh geez you got big! Think I can still throw you?" 

"No!" Cecil giggled and shook his head, "I'm a big kid! You can't!" 

"And what if I try?" 

"You won't!" 

"What if Uncle Vee throws you?" 

"Uncle Vee is Spiderman! He can, you can't!" 

"You wanna test that?" 

"Yeah!" Cecil giggled and clapped his hands. Remus carried him closer to the couch and grunted dramatically as he tossed the boy onto the fluffy sofa. 

"Looks like I did it!" Remus sang and stuck out his tongue. Virgil and Patton smiled fondly at their boys and went to the kitchen to talk to E.

"So how's the wedding plannin goin?" E asked and stirred a pot on the stove.

"The launch is next week so we'll hit the road the next day and get hitched in Vegas or something. We might have friends over when we get back to celebrate but there are better ways to do that." 

"No need for anyone to get a fake date. Smart." Ethel commented, "And no need to get Pat to make a giant cake. Babydoll is workin so much!" 

"What about you?" 

"Online paperwork. I get to spend the day with my lil angel and the night with his Daddy," Ethel shrugged and giggled when Pat kissed their cheek. 

"You two are too cute to be real."

"Look who's talking!" Patton laughed, "You and Remus are cuter!" 

"The gruesome twosome? Cuter than us? Babydoll do you need to lie down?" Ethel teased, "They're like trash Adams family complete with Cousin Them!" 

"Classy. But you're forgetting about Wednesday and Pugsley." 

"You don't mean—!?" Patton squealed.

"Yeah, were gonna have a couple of scamps runnin around." 

"How far along?!" 

"We got about a hundred feet of tubing around the apartment." 

"Ferrets, Patton, ferrets," Ethel droned, "You really think Virgil of all people would have kids, and name them something like that?" 

"Once Ree changes his name, who knows? We've talked about it a lot so it's a maybe. In the future. For now, ferrets are enough." 

"Incoming!" Remus shouted as he chased Cecil into the kitchen. Patton caught his son before he could get hurt. Remus leapt onto Virgil's back and clung to him.

"Scare Bear! Watch out! He's a liger!" Remus gasped and pointed at the kid. 

"A liger?" 

"A lion and a tiger hybrid!" 

"That's right!" Ethel commented and kissed Patton's cheek, making Cecil gag, "His Daddy's a tiger." They winked, getting a laugh out of Patton. 

"And you're my monarch of the jungle!" Patton giggled while Cecil squirmed out of his arms. 

"And I have a Scare Bear!" Remus added and nuzzled Virgil's shoulder. 

"Easy there, Pup, I haven't even begun scarin yet," Virgil teased, and eyed Cecil, "So you might wanna start runnin, Cee." 

Remus laughed as the toddler bolted. He climbed down from Virgil's back and wrapped his arms around him. 

"Has he been up to no good?" 

"He was just talking about knocking you up," Ethel taunted. 

"You know, that's kind of a big turn on! Think you can do it?" 

"No, that would take a miracle." 

"Oh well, I can scream and make a mess with the best of 'em! Who needs a kid with me around to wreak havoc?" Remus giggled and kissed his fiance's cheek.

"Don't you have a liger to catch?" Virgil scoffed. 

"You're right!" Remus gasped and let go to chase down Cecil. Virgil snickered and shook his head. 

"He's a nightmare," Ethel pouted and focused on cooking.

"He's a dream, E. My dream."

"Well then we'll just have to make a toast to the dreamer and the nightmare," Patton said, "To think this all happened because of Roman!—Don't tell Remus I said that. I don't wanna think about the sibling rivalry!" 

"My lips are sealed, Pop rocks," Virgil hummed. It would have been sweet if not for a loud crash.

"Argh! I've been defeated!—No I need that leg!" Remus shouted. Patton hurried out of the room to check on the two feral boys, leaving Virgil and Ethel to chat. 

"You are a dead weird idiot," Ethel mused. 

"Good thing Remus loves all things weird and idiotic, just like him." 

"Nonna would be proud. I know I am."

"Didn't think I'd hear that today." 

"It's true. You have your man and you're happy bein you." 

"Ditto for you." 

"I have a kid, she'd be more proud of me." 

"This isn't a competition." 

"You want full sentiments, go find your Cuddlefish." 

"You'll have to amputate! The liger has my leg for good!" Remus shrieked in the background. Virgil snickered and shook his head again. Yeah, this was better than any dream.


End file.
